I have never had a relationship end with me still being so in love with them still..... I can not even begin to try and express or explain the pain in my heart, mind, body and spirit right now. I dont think I have ever cried this much this hard before, my eyes are becoming bruised from wipping the tears away......
…...its hard to explain but the best I can try to is this; I feel like I haven't just lost my love, my best friend, the father of my son but I feel like I have lost 3 lives worth of love, togetherness, stress, and everything that life brings with it in between. I have been with this man for almost 5 1/2 years, we have been through addiction with eachother, relapse with one another, having a son and being pregnant, jail, rehab, relapse, work, fucking LIFE......for it all to be ended with " it sounds dumb but its not you its me" oh yeah and cant forget, " I love you so fuckin much, you have been the best thing to happen to me, the greatest girlfriend ive ever been with, most trust worthy, most real and honest" ……………...so can someone explain to me why hes leaving then?
My thoughts:
He doesn't want any responsibilities, he has continuously relapsed and I cant help but feel like he has just been taking advantage of what he has, nice roof over his head ( we live with my mom so we could save for our own place) , consistent job, a car that he can drive ( he doesn't have a license) , a way to and from the methadone clinic, a handsome little boy ( he is 2) , a address to tell your probation officer about and a girl that would kill for you...…but he also has responsibilities, he is a 31 year old father of 3 ( two from his previous wife) he has bills, he has made commitments.....however for someone who still acts like a 18 year old boy having this big responsibilities just isn't working for him.
I also think that hes bored. hes stuck. I can 100% get that. I AM STUCK, I AM BORED, I feel like im just walking up doing the same thing everyday over and over and over and over and OVER AGAIN, but I realize to get to where I want to be I have to go through the shitty part too. he cant seem to get that, he just wants an " opportunity to fall in his lap"....it doesn't work like that.
…….So why am I writing this blog post?? WEll, before I let you know that, I firstly need to explain that he also is still living here, I still have to sleep in the same bed, share the same space and listen to his questions about buying a car, getting an apartment.....I still sit up crying while I work and he is just sitting there, like right NOW, I am here writing this to you, bawling silently and he sits at the kitchen counter seemingly unbothered.
Okay, so why write this? Why share? Because I am LOST, I am completely alone. I don't know how to be. Sometimes I feel like I don't know how to breath......how to walk to the bathroom, or kitchen. I am needing a BIG change, my mind is needing a BIG change, I love my mom and living here but I need out, I dont want to be in the place we were together for so long. how can I heal there?
I am currently working on fixing up my resume, finding a part time shop ( I do have a child) continuing to work hard AF on my onlyfans.com/younglitmama420 site, and any TIPS or subs that would like to help support me and my BIG change I will forever be thankful. I am praying that he sticks to his word and splits the savings we have so that I can look for a place but it will not be enough to fully okay a move, any help you can do will bless me and my son so much, like a post, follow my other social media, sub to my site, buy a set, say you hear me, anything will bring joy to my dull light right now.
