Panic Attack
I think I had a panic attack today. At least I think it was a panic attack. No one has ever really described a panic attack to me, so I didn't have a lot to go by.
8:33 AM- I am at the bus stop. I see on my phone that the bus was supposed to have come at 8:25ish. I got out to the bus stop at 8:26. "Shit," I think to myself, "I missed the bus." I go back inside to text my boss at the church and apologize, telling him that I'll be there later tonight." That's $50 lost. I will have less money to throw at Brian for rent when we are already struggling. I am mildly depressed. I go back to sleep.
12:34- I wake up after several dreams full of intense emotional content that rattle me for a few minutes. I get a glass of water and drink it. I go to put my right hearing aid in, the left one died a few days ago and I have not yet taken it to the audiology place to get it checked/repaired. A few seconds after putting my right hearing aid in, it fades. I get out the little piece of wire made from bread twistys that I use to clean my hearing aids, and work on it for several minutes, to no avail. I smack my hearing aid. I blow on it several times. It still doesn't work. I have dreadful images of being at work later and not being able to understand instructions, or missing camera cues because I cannot hear. I try to console myself by telling me that the nuns can't hear either. Brian comes out of his room as he leaves for work. I tell him that I missed my bus this morning. He shakes his head at me.
2:30- After working up the nerve for two hours, I attempt to call the SSA to figure out what the hell is going on with my medical insurance, because I am getting more confusing letters that tell me that my medical insurance has just been canceled and that they will send me a new card soon but use this letter to prove that I have insurance (WTF?). My fingers shake as I hold my phone up to my ears, the volume cranked as high as it will go. I get the phone tree. I cannot hear the phone tree. All I hear are low, vaguely cthulthu-like noises. I imagine a barbed tongue coming out of my cell, lightly licking my ear and mocking me. I put the phone down. I rub my forehead and breathe hard. I imagine Jaime rolling her eyes at me. I try to call two more times and give up before I become too upset.
I am going to have to go to the SSA office to ask about this paper and what the hell is happening with medicare. Images flash through my head of me getting upset with the SSA staff and yelling at them at the top of my lungs. They will arrest me if I go in there and start screaming at them. I cannot go in that building again. I have to go in that building again. If I have medical insurance, then I go to the doctor and she can tell me if I am taking my medicine correctly that I should have had checked on a weekly basis since Feburary and if my body is full of poisonous waste or not.
5:25- I go outside to the bus stop again, my stomach full of cheap food that makes my belly ache. I wait. I wait some more.
5:50- The bus is supposed to be there at 5:40, my phone planner that I have been taking bus notes in, says so. I know the bus comes at 5:40, it says so right here. WHERE THE HELL IS THE BUS?
6:05- The bus finally comes. I text my boss at the church, repeatedly apologizing for my lateness. I tell him I will try to make the second show. By this point I'm shaking all over a little, my head filled with dreadful images of people shaking their heads at me like Brian did earlier. "Can't you do anything right?", they say to me. "You should have gotten out here earlier, if the Tarc schedule had changed." I get to the next bus stop after half an hour. I check the schedule on the bubble. It says the next bus will not leave towards the church for another hour. I am going to miss the second show. I have screwed up an entire day of work and lost $100, when $170 is all I'll have for the month.
6:45- At this point I start freaking the fuck out. I begin pacing back and forth along the two bus stops by Wendys and Grinstead. My feet ache. I want to go home. I want to go home and crack. I'm going to feel pretty ridiculous in the morning though, and my boss is going to angrily ask me where I was. And Jaime is going to angily wonder why I did not call the SSA to figure out the medicare thingy. And Brian will be very angry at me because I have lost $100 we need for rent this month because I cannot get to the bus stop early in case they change schedules on me without notice. I have failed on all accounts today, and at the point someone at the bus stop gets pissed off at me because I cannot hear their request for change. I do not have any so I lose it and start walking towards the bus stop that leads to home.
8:12- This bus is not coming for a while either. I am trying to stop hyperventilating. "What are you going to do while you are home? You can't go to sleep because you drank too much coffee before coming out here and your stomach hurts anyway. You might as well go to work and see if they will let you break the equipment down at least." I wipe my eyes and go back to the other bus stop. I ask a fellow sitting there if the number 55 bus has come through yet. "No!," he replies loudly enough for me to hear. Okay, so I am not crazy, this bus is late too. Everyone else at the bus stop is annoyed. I am not going crazy, they have screwed up the bus schedules today. I start to calm down some. Other Tarc riders will back me up on this. I am not crazy. The bus finally comes at 8:16.
8:32- I finally arrive at the church, huffing from exhaustion and apologizing to the nun who lets me in. I pace to the back of the church, where my boss and some others are watching the monitor of the second show. I am horribly, horribly late. I whisper an apology. My boss looks over and says something to me. On the third try I finally hear him ask me about the bus. I tell him it wasn't on schedule today and that I'm very very sorry and that I will leave much earlier tomorrow to get here on time. He says something that vaguely sounds like 'no worries' and playfully shines a pen light at me. My boss is not nearly as angry with me as I had made him out to be while I was hyperventilating. I'm hoping I'm still getting paid for this night. I am able to put a few wires up after the second show. I have still lost $50 for this month for not being there this morning.
9:20- I meekly ask my coworker Billy if he can give me a ride back to the bus stop. He asks me what time the bus comes. I admit to him that today I have no frickin clue what time the bus comes, but I know I'll catch one back eventually. He says he will take me on home, and not to worry about gas money. He can tell I am very stressed out right now. I feel very guilty accepting the ride home because I know Billy needs gas money and I don't have any to give him. I am quiet in the car for a long time. Eventually Billy asks me how my week went and I tell him I went to go visit friends in Indiana. I do not want to mention GenCon as it is difficult to explain to people how I went to a convention without any money, and I do not want him to think I am cheating him out of gas money. I am very tense during the drive home. Billy eventually start a conversation about beer, and I slowly reminisce about beers I can' drink anymore. Billy drops me off and I thank him. He tells me he won't be there tomorrow, so I will have to ride the bus back.
9:40- After ten minutes of sitting at the kitchen table with my head in my hands, I get out my computer and start writing. I think I had a panic attack.
I think I had a panic attack today. At least I think it was a panic attack. No one has ever really described a panic attack to me, so I didn't have a lot to go by.
8:33 AM- I am at the bus stop. I see on my phone that the bus was supposed to have come at 8:25ish. I got out to the bus stop at 8:26. "Shit," I think to myself, "I missed the bus." I go back inside to text my boss at the church and apologize, telling him that I'll be there later tonight." That's $50 lost. I will have less money to throw at Brian for rent when we are already struggling. I am mildly depressed. I go back to sleep.
12:34- I wake up after several dreams full of intense emotional content that rattle me for a few minutes. I get a glass of water and drink it. I go to put my right hearing aid in, the left one died a few days ago and I have not yet taken it to the audiology place to get it checked/repaired. A few seconds after putting my right hearing aid in, it fades. I get out the little piece of wire made from bread twistys that I use to clean my hearing aids, and work on it for several minutes, to no avail. I smack my hearing aid. I blow on it several times. It still doesn't work. I have dreadful images of being at work later and not being able to understand instructions, or missing camera cues because I cannot hear. I try to console myself by telling me that the nuns can't hear either. Brian comes out of his room as he leaves for work. I tell him that I missed my bus this morning. He shakes his head at me.
2:30- After working up the nerve for two hours, I attempt to call the SSA to figure out what the hell is going on with my medical insurance, because I am getting more confusing letters that tell me that my medical insurance has just been canceled and that they will send me a new card soon but use this letter to prove that I have insurance (WTF?). My fingers shake as I hold my phone up to my ears, the volume cranked as high as it will go. I get the phone tree. I cannot hear the phone tree. All I hear are low, vaguely cthulthu-like noises. I imagine a barbed tongue coming out of my cell, lightly licking my ear and mocking me. I put the phone down. I rub my forehead and breathe hard. I imagine Jaime rolling her eyes at me. I try to call two more times and give up before I become too upset.
I am going to have to go to the SSA office to ask about this paper and what the hell is happening with medicare. Images flash through my head of me getting upset with the SSA staff and yelling at them at the top of my lungs. They will arrest me if I go in there and start screaming at them. I cannot go in that building again. I have to go in that building again. If I have medical insurance, then I go to the doctor and she can tell me if I am taking my medicine correctly that I should have had checked on a weekly basis since Feburary and if my body is full of poisonous waste or not.
5:25- I go outside to the bus stop again, my stomach full of cheap food that makes my belly ache. I wait. I wait some more.
5:50- The bus is supposed to be there at 5:40, my phone planner that I have been taking bus notes in, says so. I know the bus comes at 5:40, it says so right here. WHERE THE HELL IS THE BUS?
6:05- The bus finally comes. I text my boss at the church, repeatedly apologizing for my lateness. I tell him I will try to make the second show. By this point I'm shaking all over a little, my head filled with dreadful images of people shaking their heads at me like Brian did earlier. "Can't you do anything right?", they say to me. "You should have gotten out here earlier, if the Tarc schedule had changed." I get to the next bus stop after half an hour. I check the schedule on the bubble. It says the next bus will not leave towards the church for another hour. I am going to miss the second show. I have screwed up an entire day of work and lost $100, when $170 is all I'll have for the month.
6:45- At this point I start freaking the fuck out. I begin pacing back and forth along the two bus stops by Wendys and Grinstead. My feet ache. I want to go home. I want to go home and crack. I'm going to feel pretty ridiculous in the morning though, and my boss is going to angrily ask me where I was. And Jaime is going to angily wonder why I did not call the SSA to figure out the medicare thingy. And Brian will be very angry at me because I have lost $100 we need for rent this month because I cannot get to the bus stop early in case they change schedules on me without notice. I have failed on all accounts today, and at the point someone at the bus stop gets pissed off at me because I cannot hear their request for change. I do not have any so I lose it and start walking towards the bus stop that leads to home.
8:12- This bus is not coming for a while either. I am trying to stop hyperventilating. "What are you going to do while you are home? You can't go to sleep because you drank too much coffee before coming out here and your stomach hurts anyway. You might as well go to work and see if they will let you break the equipment down at least." I wipe my eyes and go back to the other bus stop. I ask a fellow sitting there if the number 55 bus has come through yet. "No!," he replies loudly enough for me to hear. Okay, so I am not crazy, this bus is late too. Everyone else at the bus stop is annoyed. I am not going crazy, they have screwed up the bus schedules today. I start to calm down some. Other Tarc riders will back me up on this. I am not crazy. The bus finally comes at 8:16.
8:32- I finally arrive at the church, huffing from exhaustion and apologizing to the nun who lets me in. I pace to the back of the church, where my boss and some others are watching the monitor of the second show. I am horribly, horribly late. I whisper an apology. My boss looks over and says something to me. On the third try I finally hear him ask me about the bus. I tell him it wasn't on schedule today and that I'm very very sorry and that I will leave much earlier tomorrow to get here on time. He says something that vaguely sounds like 'no worries' and playfully shines a pen light at me. My boss is not nearly as angry with me as I had made him out to be while I was hyperventilating. I'm hoping I'm still getting paid for this night. I am able to put a few wires up after the second show. I have still lost $50 for this month for not being there this morning.
9:20- I meekly ask my coworker Billy if he can give me a ride back to the bus stop. He asks me what time the bus comes. I admit to him that today I have no frickin clue what time the bus comes, but I know I'll catch one back eventually. He says he will take me on home, and not to worry about gas money. He can tell I am very stressed out right now. I feel very guilty accepting the ride home because I know Billy needs gas money and I don't have any to give him. I am quiet in the car for a long time. Eventually Billy asks me how my week went and I tell him I went to go visit friends in Indiana. I do not want to mention GenCon as it is difficult to explain to people how I went to a convention without any money, and I do not want him to think I am cheating him out of gas money. I am very tense during the drive home. Billy eventually start a conversation about beer, and I slowly reminisce about beers I can' drink anymore. Billy drops me off and I thank him. He tells me he won't be there tomorrow, so I will have to ride the bus back.
9:40- After ten minutes of sitting at the kitchen table with my head in my hands, I get out my computer and start writing. I think I had a panic attack.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
and don't feel bad about your coworker giving you a lift. if he was worried about gas then he wouldn't have offered. i have arguments with chris over things like that all the time. even though he has his own car, it gets horrendous mileage. i drive a diesel jetta. i get 40+ without even trying. but he keeps feeling bad.
writing lists out and breaking down big tasks into smaller ones always helps me out. then i feel good for getting little things on the list done.
hang in there.. and I'm jealous of you getting to go to gen con!