so rather than try to rewrite all of this into a 'blog entry' kinda format, i am just copying and pasting a msg i send one of my best friends on fb to put out there into blog land what on my mind lately. just for you stalkers. you know who you are 
so ok, ill explain the significance of jacquie in my moms room futhure. 2 yrs ago when my mom kicked her out it was because of a lot of things, but the breaking point was that even hiding her booze in her bedroom closet didnt stop my sister from drinking it all. and she would lie about it. so i mean really, i dont care what the fuck my sister does. i mean drink yourself stupid, i dont care. but i do care what kind of an environment my son lives in. and being that every time my sister is closet drinking it leads to her becoming pschologically unstable, and needing to be hospitalized in a psych ward, this makes me very uneasy and angry. i dont appreciate her coming home stoned while loki is up being that there are certain rules put in place for michael since he has no concept of moderation.
so my sister has been closet drinking for the last 2 months AT LEAST. she has come home more and more freaquently trashed outta her tree. then she denies it. in fact denies it to the point that even tho she has been to the ER twice in excrusiating gastric pain (i know because i was working both times) and the DR asks her if she drinks at all and she says no, even though it would obviously point to a reason for the condition she was in.
so she has gotten to the point where she is stealing booze from my moms room again.
so in any event, i know you are really understanding how all this is effecting my work ethic. the only way i can explain or even understand it myself is that my mom had a similar episode about 7 years ago, which i also did not understand at the time. she was over stressed from her looser fiancee and the confritations it was causing between all of us kids. plus all the stress of my looser dad and his antics my mom just broke. she started loathing her job. he job hadnt changed, she had loved it for 28 years, there was no reason to hate her job. but she was just so stressed at home, she couldnt handle the stress at work on top of it. she ended up having to take like 6 months off stress leave and had to go to counceling and that is when she was put on anti depresents.
now im hoping i have caught it before i loose my mind. that i can apply all my buddhist thought processes and change my focuses so that i can just kinda reajust my life without having to take leave/quit my job. i mean i cant leave my job!! finacially its an impossibility. i just cant handle this cycle of insanity in my house. like literally for the last 6 years this is the cycle my mom and jacquie go threw. my sister stops taking her meds properly and/or starts self medicating. she doesnt sleep at night and then sleeps all day. she smokes mass amounts of weed and drinks herself stupid. lies about it, manipulates my mom so that she feels guilty for bringing anything up. basically makes her feel guilty for being a MOTHER and turns her into this person who walks on egg shells about everything. jenny and i have talked to each other about it every time it gets this way. we both agree that my mom was manipulated so long and so terribly by my dad over the years that she doesnt know how to function unless she is being manipulated and emotionally controlled. its all pretty subtle to anyone outta the family, so im sure all this come outta left field to you. you also arent usually the person i vent to about this. usually its inez, and i have, but she is so tired of the same thing happening she is at her wits end about it as well.
anyhow as for me, ive decided that i need to talk to my mom. but not the way i have in the past. jenny, my aunt, my uncle and i all tried to kinda have an intervention with her last january and have a really frank but loving talk about jacquie. there was this big ordeal when we went out last january for a holiday, my mom pulled jacquie out of ponoka mental hospital in the middle of her 4 month psych treatment to come to ontario for my grandpa's 80th bday. i dont know if i told you about it. it was embarrassing for jen and i to have my moms closest see the whole thing, but i honestly thought it might help my mom change her approach with jacquie. a year later, it sadly had gone full round back to the same old same old.
so tomorrow im going to talk to my mom. im just going to tell her that i know she knows how unhappy i am living here. and also that she knows all my issues with her and jacquie, it is not constructive for me to repeat them to her. but every month i spend 700$ on debt. 200$ of that is on my moms credit card which she let me use to pay off the credit card debt mike stuck me with. so i also put 200$ on that same credit card every month that is my rent to my mom. so i make a 400$ payment to my moms credit card, plus 300$ that is my loan (again that mike stuck me with) and then 200$ on my own credit card (which was used for glasses and dental work plus what ever) so i spend 1000$ on debt and rent (an extra 100$ for lawn service/snow removal that my mom and i split) plus i spend 600$ at least on child care. plus loki necessities such as food and night time diapers and what ever. plus food and my phone, its pretty impossible for me to save much money once i throw cab fair in there plus a night or two to myself a month just to keep me sane.
so im going to tell her that starting in january im going to be cutting out my contribution to my debt to her. ill put 200$ on for my rent, but i wont be actually cutting down what i owe on it for the time being, so that i can put at least 200$ away a month into savings (as currently there is no such thing im my life im just happy when i can pay all my bills) and ill be cutting out almost all 'sane' spending. this is all so that i will be able to move out by june. untill then im going to work my hardest to just focus on other things.
its so difficult to be living with yet another addict. i left mike so that i wouldnt have to be around that anymore. i feel trapped. like i cant possibly just live in a space that is calm and sane. my dad until i was 13, doug (moms ex fiancee, not an addict, but very very manipulative) for 5 years and then mike.
im going to make working out my main stress relief. as well as painting and working on preschool like activities with loki since im not able to put him in one because of my fucked up work schdule.
im also really hoping for this new job in january. mostly for loki, then i coud put him in preschool, and he would be on a decent sleep schedule for a 4 year old. i hate that he has one week of going to bed at 8-830 every night, then the next week ( like tonight) he is up until 11 at night. its not good for him. it screws up his sleep cycle and makes him really moody all week.
im just so frustrated. i needed to write that all out to just kinda figure out my aim, my path/goal in all this.
i dont know what im expecting back, as much as i just needed to get it all out, so thank you for being someone i can do that with. im sorry ive been so mental here and there. between jacquie, my dad and mike, i just feel like im spinning in circles and nothing im working towards is happening. which in reality it is. i just get so distracted by every person's drama in my life its hard to process anything.
and i cant do what i used to do to deal with stress. i used to work 60hrs a week or more.working that much would keep me away from all the insanity and leave me so tired and way too busy to go out drinking. but loki prevents me from doing that(working myself to death, that is. i dont know if that is good or bad, but its my new reality and i have to really focus on other things.
im also going to look into counseling.
anyhow, im going to bed now.
love you
thanks
le sigh
so ok, ill explain the significance of jacquie in my moms room futhure. 2 yrs ago when my mom kicked her out it was because of a lot of things, but the breaking point was that even hiding her booze in her bedroom closet didnt stop my sister from drinking it all. and she would lie about it. so i mean really, i dont care what the fuck my sister does. i mean drink yourself stupid, i dont care. but i do care what kind of an environment my son lives in. and being that every time my sister is closet drinking it leads to her becoming pschologically unstable, and needing to be hospitalized in a psych ward, this makes me very uneasy and angry. i dont appreciate her coming home stoned while loki is up being that there are certain rules put in place for michael since he has no concept of moderation.
so my sister has been closet drinking for the last 2 months AT LEAST. she has come home more and more freaquently trashed outta her tree. then she denies it. in fact denies it to the point that even tho she has been to the ER twice in excrusiating gastric pain (i know because i was working both times) and the DR asks her if she drinks at all and she says no, even though it would obviously point to a reason for the condition she was in.
so she has gotten to the point where she is stealing booze from my moms room again.
so in any event, i know you are really understanding how all this is effecting my work ethic. the only way i can explain or even understand it myself is that my mom had a similar episode about 7 years ago, which i also did not understand at the time. she was over stressed from her looser fiancee and the confritations it was causing between all of us kids. plus all the stress of my looser dad and his antics my mom just broke. she started loathing her job. he job hadnt changed, she had loved it for 28 years, there was no reason to hate her job. but she was just so stressed at home, she couldnt handle the stress at work on top of it. she ended up having to take like 6 months off stress leave and had to go to counceling and that is when she was put on anti depresents.
now im hoping i have caught it before i loose my mind. that i can apply all my buddhist thought processes and change my focuses so that i can just kinda reajust my life without having to take leave/quit my job. i mean i cant leave my job!! finacially its an impossibility. i just cant handle this cycle of insanity in my house. like literally for the last 6 years this is the cycle my mom and jacquie go threw. my sister stops taking her meds properly and/or starts self medicating. she doesnt sleep at night and then sleeps all day. she smokes mass amounts of weed and drinks herself stupid. lies about it, manipulates my mom so that she feels guilty for bringing anything up. basically makes her feel guilty for being a MOTHER and turns her into this person who walks on egg shells about everything. jenny and i have talked to each other about it every time it gets this way. we both agree that my mom was manipulated so long and so terribly by my dad over the years that she doesnt know how to function unless she is being manipulated and emotionally controlled. its all pretty subtle to anyone outta the family, so im sure all this come outta left field to you. you also arent usually the person i vent to about this. usually its inez, and i have, but she is so tired of the same thing happening she is at her wits end about it as well.
anyhow as for me, ive decided that i need to talk to my mom. but not the way i have in the past. jenny, my aunt, my uncle and i all tried to kinda have an intervention with her last january and have a really frank but loving talk about jacquie. there was this big ordeal when we went out last january for a holiday, my mom pulled jacquie out of ponoka mental hospital in the middle of her 4 month psych treatment to come to ontario for my grandpa's 80th bday. i dont know if i told you about it. it was embarrassing for jen and i to have my moms closest see the whole thing, but i honestly thought it might help my mom change her approach with jacquie. a year later, it sadly had gone full round back to the same old same old.
so tomorrow im going to talk to my mom. im just going to tell her that i know she knows how unhappy i am living here. and also that she knows all my issues with her and jacquie, it is not constructive for me to repeat them to her. but every month i spend 700$ on debt. 200$ of that is on my moms credit card which she let me use to pay off the credit card debt mike stuck me with. so i also put 200$ on that same credit card every month that is my rent to my mom. so i make a 400$ payment to my moms credit card, plus 300$ that is my loan (again that mike stuck me with) and then 200$ on my own credit card (which was used for glasses and dental work plus what ever) so i spend 1000$ on debt and rent (an extra 100$ for lawn service/snow removal that my mom and i split) plus i spend 600$ at least on child care. plus loki necessities such as food and night time diapers and what ever. plus food and my phone, its pretty impossible for me to save much money once i throw cab fair in there plus a night or two to myself a month just to keep me sane.
so im going to tell her that starting in january im going to be cutting out my contribution to my debt to her. ill put 200$ on for my rent, but i wont be actually cutting down what i owe on it for the time being, so that i can put at least 200$ away a month into savings (as currently there is no such thing im my life im just happy when i can pay all my bills) and ill be cutting out almost all 'sane' spending. this is all so that i will be able to move out by june. untill then im going to work my hardest to just focus on other things.
its so difficult to be living with yet another addict. i left mike so that i wouldnt have to be around that anymore. i feel trapped. like i cant possibly just live in a space that is calm and sane. my dad until i was 13, doug (moms ex fiancee, not an addict, but very very manipulative) for 5 years and then mike.
im going to make working out my main stress relief. as well as painting and working on preschool like activities with loki since im not able to put him in one because of my fucked up work schdule.
im also really hoping for this new job in january. mostly for loki, then i coud put him in preschool, and he would be on a decent sleep schedule for a 4 year old. i hate that he has one week of going to bed at 8-830 every night, then the next week ( like tonight) he is up until 11 at night. its not good for him. it screws up his sleep cycle and makes him really moody all week.
im just so frustrated. i needed to write that all out to just kinda figure out my aim, my path/goal in all this.
i dont know what im expecting back, as much as i just needed to get it all out, so thank you for being someone i can do that with. im sorry ive been so mental here and there. between jacquie, my dad and mike, i just feel like im spinning in circles and nothing im working towards is happening. which in reality it is. i just get so distracted by every person's drama in my life its hard to process anything.
and i cant do what i used to do to deal with stress. i used to work 60hrs a week or more.working that much would keep me away from all the insanity and leave me so tired and way too busy to go out drinking. but loki prevents me from doing that(working myself to death, that is. i dont know if that is good or bad, but its my new reality and i have to really focus on other things.
im also going to look into counseling.
anyhow, im going to bed now.
love you
thanks
le sigh
rin:
ugh SORRY so sorry to hear that your mom is coddling jacqui and that's suuuuch a bad environment for you & loki to be in too!! good luck on the talk with her, hope everything works out ok and you're able to move out by june<3<3