xxxavia

Lately I find myself frustrated with almost all of my life...
I am pissed off at who I am.
How I treat people.
How people treat me.
I am generally pissed off that people think I am such a fucking idiot I don't see right through them...GHOSTS!!!!
I wish I had a lie detector...not just the one that lives under my skin. And all the people around me would be tested so I wouldn't feel so shitty about myself for loathing them so much.
I am sick of being judged by people because of how and when I make my decisions...
I am sick of judging myself.
I am sick of being bothered by everyday petty bullshit.
I don't feel like caring...yet I cannot help myself...
I am not depressed.
I want to kill you.
I feel too much.
But I am not broken...my soul needs a band aid.
Sometimes I wished I still smoked pot...then I could feel numb too.
I hate you.
I love you.
The thought of you makes me want to rip off my skin and shove it down your throat.
I am a self loathing bastard.
If my life is shitty it is my fault.
If you keep thinking you will win, YOU ARE WRONG!
Sorry never meant more to me than the 5 letters the word consists of.
I always win even if it is self destructive.
My life will be better if you just went away.
Apologies only work if I accept them.
I never give up.
I have never lost a game of chicken.
FUCK YOU!
I will not follow you.
I will find my own way...even if it kills me.
The path of least resistance is for people who won't survive the battle!
I will be a better person tomorrow than I am today.
I don't care what you think.
You are not important.
You are not special.
I don't need to write a disclaimer for my feelings.
Actions speak louder than words.
I don't feel like taking action right now.
When I do it will be through words.
I am a vindictive ASSHOLE sometimes...and I don't care sometimes.
YOU effect my moods...and you know what...that PISSES me off!
I love being home!
I love fuzzy things.
I don't want to explain myself.
I feel the need to write this.
It is making me feel better already.
I am happy with my husband.
I always have to do things my way.
I will only yield if I have no choice but to yield.
I always have a choice.
I don't always win against myself.
Someday I will find out how.
I wish....
I contradict myself.
But not as much as you.
At least I am self aware...to a fault.
I won't be over analytic and proof read this blog.
I am smarter than you in some way or another.
I choose not to believe you.
I choose not to trust you.
I don't care how you feel.
You don't care how I feel.
I hold too much trust in HUMANS.
It is broken.
It cannot be fully restored.
I don't want it to be.
I don't want to start over.
I cannot fix some things...even if I wanted to.
I am not the little engine that could...I am the medium sized engine that already did and doesn't want to do it again because it's not worth it.
I don't feel like it.
Disconnected.
You can't fix it either.
Even if you could...I wouldn't want you to.
I don't feel bad for you.
I don't know how to get through to myself.
I wish Armageddon would come...so I could hold you close in my arms and we could watch it all all slip away together.
I don't want you to see what I have seen.
How many "GOOD" people do you know?
I can count them on my fingers and have spares.
You are not one of them.
The only reason why you talk to me is because I have something you want.
You were misinformed...I don't have anything you can have.
I only have enough energy to hate one person per day...please come talk to me tomorrow.
I was caught showing feeling.
FUCK!
Ok it's fixed now.
I just lied.
It is easier just to say I hate you than to lie and pretend I don't.
I don't care if you hate me.
It is easier to say I am mad than to pretend I am not...pretending just makes it take longer to go away.
I can fix things on my own, I just know it takes longer.
I hate asking for help.
I don't want it...even when I know I need it.
HAHA!! I sweat when I am angry.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

SIGH!


THE GRUDGE - TOOL



Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Saturn ascends, choose one or ten. Hang on or be humbled again.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
Saturn ascends, comes round again.
Saturn ascends, the one, the ten. Ignorant to the damage done.

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity.
Calculate what we will or will not tolerate.
Desperate to control all and everything.
Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen.

Wear the grudge like a crown. Desperate to control.
Unable to forgive. And we're sinking deeper.

Defining, confining, controlling, and we're sinking deeper.

Saturn comes back around to show you everything
Let's you choose what you will not see and then
Drags you down like a stone or lifts you up again
Spits you out like a child, light and innocent.

Saturn comes back around. Lifts you up like a child or
Drags you down like a stone
To consume you till you choose to let this go.

Give away the stone.
Let the oceans take and trans mutate this cold and fated anchor.
Give away the stone.
Let the waters kiss and trans mutate these leaden grudges into gold.
Let go.