So, I'm coming to the end of my crazy semester and then I'll be off to Rhode Island to spend time with my family- which is frightening and exciting at the same time. But I am looking forward to having some time to just exist as opposed to scrambling around.
Last night, I struggled again with the Buddha. I've since abandoned goals that I clung to when I was 15 and last night I was struck with a familiar but peculiar sense of purpose-less and depression. I had this idea that the rest of my life was going to be on par with being in a waiting room...the only worthy or real thing I could think of was death, which would come years from now. What do I live for? Do I live merely to wait for death? Because all my other pursuits seemed silly and irrelevant to anything. And the interesting thing was, I was utterly convinced of this 'truth,' a sure sign of self-delusion. I decided deliberately to question my feelings, which seemed so justified and so correct. After a few unsuccessful attempts, I struck gold- I was the one assigning meaning or lack there of it. It was not necessarily an indication of the reality in which I existed. In essence, the reality was a projection of my interior. Normally, at this point, I'd feel something along the lines of 'Man, my shit's fucked up' and 'what the hell is wrong with me' but this time, I broke through illusion and that was all. No psychological paranoia. Just deliberate efforts to work through my illusions towards a state of doubt that is, though uncomfortable, freeing. My mind quieted and I fell asleep suddenly and deeply.
I'm recording this because I need to know what I've done so that I can see the importance of not getting wrapped up in the illusions my mind creates. I'm a very emotional and stubborn person- such clear signs of illusion addiction. I need to remember what happens when I actually challenge these illusions.
Last night, I struggled again with the Buddha. I've since abandoned goals that I clung to when I was 15 and last night I was struck with a familiar but peculiar sense of purpose-less and depression. I had this idea that the rest of my life was going to be on par with being in a waiting room...the only worthy or real thing I could think of was death, which would come years from now. What do I live for? Do I live merely to wait for death? Because all my other pursuits seemed silly and irrelevant to anything. And the interesting thing was, I was utterly convinced of this 'truth,' a sure sign of self-delusion. I decided deliberately to question my feelings, which seemed so justified and so correct. After a few unsuccessful attempts, I struck gold- I was the one assigning meaning or lack there of it. It was not necessarily an indication of the reality in which I existed. In essence, the reality was a projection of my interior. Normally, at this point, I'd feel something along the lines of 'Man, my shit's fucked up' and 'what the hell is wrong with me' but this time, I broke through illusion and that was all. No psychological paranoia. Just deliberate efforts to work through my illusions towards a state of doubt that is, though uncomfortable, freeing. My mind quieted and I fell asleep suddenly and deeply.
I'm recording this because I need to know what I've done so that I can see the importance of not getting wrapped up in the illusions my mind creates. I'm a very emotional and stubborn person- such clear signs of illusion addiction. I need to remember what happens when I actually challenge these illusions.