xxroninxx

So me and a couple friends of mine who're girls were at a local coffee house last night going over school nonsense and catching up on our required readings. At least that was the theorized plan that we all knew was a lie because we do nothing but distract one another--that sorta thing.

Anyway, so inevitably the topic of relationships came up. Inevitably because one is frustrated that her b/f just had to get bailed outta jail (long story, but its stupid he was even arrested) and the other is reveling in her new singledom after a horrible year and half long bad relationship.

So we were talking and detailing our short comings in relationships and after explaining what's essentially mine...it was a small bit of revelation. In that, "I just said it out loud and now it's really real holy crap that makes a lotta sense I always knew this anyway but now it seems more vivid, etc." kinda way.

It's basically this:

Nothing good comes to my mind when someone says, "relationship." Nothing. Just a whole lotta bad thoughts. When I'm involved with someone I'm very push/pull, wishy washy, whatever. When I'm together with the person things are great, we talk, we love, we share, it's just good. But when we're apart I start to think about how horrible relationships are and all the bad things tied to them. I dwell on a million different things and analyze shit to death and always conclude that it'll fail, it's not worth the emotional investment, and that I might as well get out before someone gets too attached. Theres more going on than just that but you get the idea. I destroy expectations to hurry up the "inevitable" dissapointment and moving on. I constantly stay on the defense.

So I know why I do this, and understand all the things linked to it and well...i dunno, to me it makes perfect sense.

-Ronin