Alright, I've got to get this off my chest. I don't know if telling it to a bunch of strangers will do any good, but whatever. We'll see how I feel after. Probably just as bad as I did before.
So last Feburary I met Chris. Online. I met him through one of my blog sites. He lived twenty minutes away - Ironton, Ohio to be exact. We'd always talk to each other on AIM or MSN. Our conversations were more of the playful type of two people who were lonely and needed company. Though, we would always talk about tons of other things like poetry, movies, and art.
Then one night, purely spontaneous, I'm like "Fuck, come pick me up Chris". Why not, right? I wanted to meet him in person, and I guess those are the side effects of being infatuated with someone and lonely at the same time.
So he picks me up one night, and we go back to his apartment. The ride in the car was a little awkward since I was having second thoughts as in, 'Holy shit what am I doing, I met this person ONLINE.'.... and I didn't really know what I was doing. I just did it and I wanted to do it and I was just going to see what happened. We finally did start talking a little bit about music and such, and when we finally got to his apartment, we went inside and sat down in opposite chairs and pretty much continued our conversation. We talked for almost two hours it seemed. He was lying on his bed, talking to me about his cat that I can't remember it's name... so I just got up and walked over to lay down beside him. There was already this insane attraction in the air, and when he reached over to roll my body up against his, I almost couldn't breathe. I was nervous, in some ways. I mean, here I was with this person I pretty much just met, lying there with his arms around me. The first time I'd really been in that situation, I'd have to say. At the same time, it was a great feeling to be lying there in someone's arms. At the same time, I could almost feel myself trembling.
You know that feeling where someone wants to and is trying to kiss you?
Yeah...
And at first I just tried to avoid it, because I was nervous. Like some nervous little girl about to have her first kiss. (though that was not so at all) But I wanted to, so I finally let it happen.
And well, you can just use your imaginations, since I think we all know what happened from there...
I remember waking up in the morning, er, well, afternoon and looking around and thinking "Oh my God look at me, half naked lying next to some guy I just met..." and almost panicking. Until Chris woke up of course. As soon as he put his arms around me, I felt safe again. He took me home soon after.. and so began an on and off friends with benefits kind of relationship.
But at first I was angry. I felt like a piece of meat because he was and is such an amazing person but he never showed any signs of wanting to be more than what we just were. It made me even more angry that we could lie together and talk about so many fucking things, but everything still stay the way they were. Never-the-less, I kept going over to his place. I kept having sex with him. I kept having long conversations with him. I finally just accepted the fact that that's all there would be and nothing more. At least for a little while...
Then one day he tells me he's moving. To Marietta, Ohio. Two hours away. That meant those days were pretty much over, and it was back to only talking online.
So he moves away...
And we still stay in touch via IM - and we would have conversations about how much we wish one or the other were there right then...
Maybe because we were just horny..
Or lonely...
I don't know what it was.
And he gets this girlfriend. Chris, the guy who would never settle down and stay in a relationship for his life though he's a pure and true romantic, gets a girlfriend. And not only does he have this girlfriend, but he's head over heels in love with her. As in, he thinks she's his soulmate.
And this girl, in my opinion, and I'm not trying to be the jealous girl... really isnt' all that great. But I guess I don't know her like him.
And despite this new girlfriend... we are still having our conversations. And he promises me he's going to come visit me and pardon my french, but fuck my fucking brains out..
and that he misses me...
But he never does.
He never shows up. Even after swearing he would.
Nothing.
And I'm like, whatever. I forget about it. Sort of.
And the other day he IM's me after weeks and weeks. And it's just not the same conversation as usual.
Upsetting, I know.
And I semi-forget about it again.
And today I come across his girlfriend's blog who btw did I mention is so much like me it's disgusting and has my middle name and is the same age. She has this picture posted of the two of them together...
And my heart just sinks.
And I realize how insanely jealous I am.
And how much I wish he would come back or visit me. And how I don't understand what the hell was or is wrong with me that I can't be where SHE IS.
That I'm not the girl in that picture.
Since we always got along so great...
Fuck...
I'm so upset about all it right now.
Help.
So last Feburary I met Chris. Online. I met him through one of my blog sites. He lived twenty minutes away - Ironton, Ohio to be exact. We'd always talk to each other on AIM or MSN. Our conversations were more of the playful type of two people who were lonely and needed company. Though, we would always talk about tons of other things like poetry, movies, and art.
Then one night, purely spontaneous, I'm like "Fuck, come pick me up Chris". Why not, right? I wanted to meet him in person, and I guess those are the side effects of being infatuated with someone and lonely at the same time.
So he picks me up one night, and we go back to his apartment. The ride in the car was a little awkward since I was having second thoughts as in, 'Holy shit what am I doing, I met this person ONLINE.'.... and I didn't really know what I was doing. I just did it and I wanted to do it and I was just going to see what happened. We finally did start talking a little bit about music and such, and when we finally got to his apartment, we went inside and sat down in opposite chairs and pretty much continued our conversation. We talked for almost two hours it seemed. He was lying on his bed, talking to me about his cat that I can't remember it's name... so I just got up and walked over to lay down beside him. There was already this insane attraction in the air, and when he reached over to roll my body up against his, I almost couldn't breathe. I was nervous, in some ways. I mean, here I was with this person I pretty much just met, lying there with his arms around me. The first time I'd really been in that situation, I'd have to say. At the same time, it was a great feeling to be lying there in someone's arms. At the same time, I could almost feel myself trembling.
You know that feeling where someone wants to and is trying to kiss you?
Yeah...
And at first I just tried to avoid it, because I was nervous. Like some nervous little girl about to have her first kiss. (though that was not so at all) But I wanted to, so I finally let it happen.
And well, you can just use your imaginations, since I think we all know what happened from there...
I remember waking up in the morning, er, well, afternoon and looking around and thinking "Oh my God look at me, half naked lying next to some guy I just met..." and almost panicking. Until Chris woke up of course. As soon as he put his arms around me, I felt safe again. He took me home soon after.. and so began an on and off friends with benefits kind of relationship.
But at first I was angry. I felt like a piece of meat because he was and is such an amazing person but he never showed any signs of wanting to be more than what we just were. It made me even more angry that we could lie together and talk about so many fucking things, but everything still stay the way they were. Never-the-less, I kept going over to his place. I kept having sex with him. I kept having long conversations with him. I finally just accepted the fact that that's all there would be and nothing more. At least for a little while...
Then one day he tells me he's moving. To Marietta, Ohio. Two hours away. That meant those days were pretty much over, and it was back to only talking online.
So he moves away...
And we still stay in touch via IM - and we would have conversations about how much we wish one or the other were there right then...
Maybe because we were just horny..
Or lonely...
I don't know what it was.
And he gets this girlfriend. Chris, the guy who would never settle down and stay in a relationship for his life though he's a pure and true romantic, gets a girlfriend. And not only does he have this girlfriend, but he's head over heels in love with her. As in, he thinks she's his soulmate.
And this girl, in my opinion, and I'm not trying to be the jealous girl... really isnt' all that great. But I guess I don't know her like him.
And despite this new girlfriend... we are still having our conversations. And he promises me he's going to come visit me and pardon my french, but fuck my fucking brains out..
and that he misses me...
But he never does.
He never shows up. Even after swearing he would.
Nothing.
And I'm like, whatever. I forget about it. Sort of.
And the other day he IM's me after weeks and weeks. And it's just not the same conversation as usual.
Upsetting, I know.
And I semi-forget about it again.
And today I come across his girlfriend's blog who btw did I mention is so much like me it's disgusting and has my middle name and is the same age. She has this picture posted of the two of them together...
And my heart just sinks.
And I realize how insanely jealous I am.
And how much I wish he would come back or visit me. And how I don't understand what the hell was or is wrong with me that I can't be where SHE IS.
That I'm not the girl in that picture.
Since we always got along so great...
Fuck...
I'm so upset about all it right now.
Help.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
pureevull:
the burgh aint bad but be carefull of the roads they have a tendency to close at any moment and i do wish you the best
nikonphoto80:
Im sorry about all that. But I dont think there is something wrong with you I think maybe he just wasnt ready at the time and now that he moves away he find some one like you, maybe some day you guys will be together, its not like he is in Columbia or anything.