I'm actually doing things I need to do for once.
Like drinking more water.
Getting school shit done.
Cleaning up all the things I swore I would clean up - because clean houses make me feel better.
Simple, stupid chores - washing my moutains of clothing, organzing my belongings...
It's all slowly getting done.
So much that I feel a little guilty sitting here typing this when I probably could be doing something more productive.
Got to have a break sometime.
_____________________
I haven't gotten to work on my ceiling tile for the past two days. Things have gotten in the way. Monday I spent that time in the darkroom, and then today I wasn't even around to work on it. I did work on my oil painting yesterday, though. Not today.
They both look very nice.
Unfortunately here at home, I want so badly to do a new drawing, but I can't find any drive. I can't find a nice photograph to work from, or any inspiration whatsoever. I've learned in the past that this will come to me in time - but I'm impatient.
And perhaps I should make myself do this?
I don't know. Nah. It wouldn't be right if I didn't have my heart in it.
Not to make that sound like I'm upset or anything, and that's why my heart can't go "into" that. I just... I don't know. Lost my groove temporarily. I think it's all the painting I've been doing, honestly.
So in the relationship department - still don't want one. More like, companionship. Something like that. Attention. Affection. Fun without hardcore commitment. Well, I still don't have that either, but it is what I'm seeking.
Besides, I'm not fully over that whole Nathan thing yet. Doing better than I ever did getting over Donald, but still not there. Probably because I was with Donald for a year and a half, and Nathan only around four month. He was wonderful though, at least up until the end. I was lying across my bed last night listening to Lit, painting my nails, and the cover they did of "Picture of You" came on. It made me sad. To top it off, since I was conviently hanging off the side of the bed, I remembered that I had put the framed photo of Nate that I used to keep on my lamp table under there, so I reached under and picked it up. Then got all girly sappy, like an idiot, lying there looking at them. I eventually threw it down after some self-convincing.
Music gets to me like that.
Moves me.
To add to it, today I tried to listen to Breaking Benjamin, and still can't do that without feeling queasy.
Explaination - the night that I ran into Nathan at that concert, and agreed to come home with him, we were sprawled out in Sequoyah's (his best friend) basement, Erika, Will and Dwayne around us - I remember Breaking Benjamin playing on repeat on the stereo. It was that night when I didn't know what I was doing, couldn't believe I was even there, had no idea what was happening. And it was that night that began the entire relationship I would even have with him.
I will never be able to hear that band without thinking about that night. Without thinking about Nate. Or Sequoyah's basement. His Dodge Avenger. The graffitti all over the walls. The phone number in red ink on my hand. The kiss good night.
Well, maybe someday I'll be able to.
But right now it just makes me sick.
_________________
Mm. Now, to sleep or not to sleep?
Later<3
*Edit 10:05pm*
Well great, guess what I just found out to completely crush my fucking day?
Nathan has a new girlfriend.
And I'm trying so hard not to cry right now.
So hard...
Like drinking more water.
Getting school shit done.
Cleaning up all the things I swore I would clean up - because clean houses make me feel better.
Simple, stupid chores - washing my moutains of clothing, organzing my belongings...
It's all slowly getting done.
So much that I feel a little guilty sitting here typing this when I probably could be doing something more productive.
Got to have a break sometime.
_____________________
I haven't gotten to work on my ceiling tile for the past two days. Things have gotten in the way. Monday I spent that time in the darkroom, and then today I wasn't even around to work on it. I did work on my oil painting yesterday, though. Not today.
They both look very nice.
Unfortunately here at home, I want so badly to do a new drawing, but I can't find any drive. I can't find a nice photograph to work from, or any inspiration whatsoever. I've learned in the past that this will come to me in time - but I'm impatient.
And perhaps I should make myself do this?
I don't know. Nah. It wouldn't be right if I didn't have my heart in it.
Not to make that sound like I'm upset or anything, and that's why my heart can't go "into" that. I just... I don't know. Lost my groove temporarily. I think it's all the painting I've been doing, honestly.
So in the relationship department - still don't want one. More like, companionship. Something like that. Attention. Affection. Fun without hardcore commitment. Well, I still don't have that either, but it is what I'm seeking.
Besides, I'm not fully over that whole Nathan thing yet. Doing better than I ever did getting over Donald, but still not there. Probably because I was with Donald for a year and a half, and Nathan only around four month. He was wonderful though, at least up until the end. I was lying across my bed last night listening to Lit, painting my nails, and the cover they did of "Picture of You" came on. It made me sad. To top it off, since I was conviently hanging off the side of the bed, I remembered that I had put the framed photo of Nate that I used to keep on my lamp table under there, so I reached under and picked it up. Then got all girly sappy, like an idiot, lying there looking at them. I eventually threw it down after some self-convincing.
Music gets to me like that.
Moves me.
To add to it, today I tried to listen to Breaking Benjamin, and still can't do that without feeling queasy.
Explaination - the night that I ran into Nathan at that concert, and agreed to come home with him, we were sprawled out in Sequoyah's (his best friend) basement, Erika, Will and Dwayne around us - I remember Breaking Benjamin playing on repeat on the stereo. It was that night when I didn't know what I was doing, couldn't believe I was even there, had no idea what was happening. And it was that night that began the entire relationship I would even have with him.
I will never be able to hear that band without thinking about that night. Without thinking about Nate. Or Sequoyah's basement. His Dodge Avenger. The graffitti all over the walls. The phone number in red ink on my hand. The kiss good night.
Well, maybe someday I'll be able to.
But right now it just makes me sick.
_________________
Mm. Now, to sleep or not to sleep?
Later<3
*Edit 10:05pm*
Well great, guess what I just found out to completely crush my fucking day?
Nathan has a new girlfriend.
And I'm trying so hard not to cry right now.
So hard...
Im glad you are getting stuff done you need to get done.
My BFA art show is this Sunday from 2 until 4 I will have about 17 photos that are 24in by 36in if you want to come I would be glad to have you.
Your focus on the creative and "getting stuff done" will bring you what you seek in other departments.
xo