Computer fixed! Well, at least I think it's fixed. Crash keeps fiddling with it and finding more things he "needs to fix". lol
This weekend is going to be fun. I'm going to an SCA Yule-Ball. Technically it starts tonight, but I would rather get up at 9 tomorrow instead of 4:30am. So I'm not going to tonight's events. Tomorrow however, I get to dress in my gorgeous medieval gown and bust-corset with my proper medieval ladies' surcoat and everything. Then I get to chase around at least 5 children all dressed like vikings, and eat at an authentic grand feast. I know the cook, so I KNOW it's going to be good.
Sunday morning we'll wake up and help clean the site. Then I'll have enough time to get a shower and change before going to Crash's Christmas party for work. A bit early, but then again, I know people who are utterly impatient for Christmas as soon as Holloween is over. I'm a Designated Driver this year. Usually Crash doesn't drink so I'm a little shocked that he asked me to DD. But no worries. I'll be getting sloshed at new years. Especially if christmas goes the way I'm expecting it to.
I'm warning you, from here on out, this blog might get longwinded and pissy...
I hate to say it, but hollidays seem to have lost their glamour for me. After 4 years of working my ass off to make each holiday wonderful for my new family, and getting absolutely no help and no reward, I am absolutely exhausted emotionally. Take my 21st birthday for example. I had to get up and make breakfast for everyone else. Nobody even mentioned that it was my birthday. All day I cleaned the house and did the chores. I even had to wash the dishes because Crash refused to (it's his ONE job normally). No gifts. No fuss. I didn't even get a hot bath. Crash completely let me down. So of course, after a few days I let into him about it. I told him how upset I was and I made a big deal about his lack of enthusiasm. One month later, he did the same thing about our anniversary. Which wouldn't have bothered me normally, had it not been for the HUGE issue we had just had. Nothing. Halloween, he was deployed. Thanksgiving, he didn't get out of his pajamas. I did all of the cooking and cleaning, and he even went to sleep before I put the kids to bed, which left me with all of the cleanup and child-care again. Christmas last year, we were REALLY bad off financially. But he refused to let me get help from one of the agencies that are SPECIFICALLY for that purpose. I wasn't allowed to go to the food-pantry, so we didn't have a nice Christmas Dinner. I think we ate Macaroni & Cheese. I wasn't allowed to accept any donations from the toys for tots people, so our kids only got what I was able to scrounge up at the unwanted donations bin at the thrift store. They got used roller-skates with another kid's name on the bottom. And I still managed to give Crash a candle-holder and some candles, as well as a nice sweat-shirt. Me? Nothing.
I know that people say it is better to give than to receive. I agree. But when you are constantly taken for granted, told what you have to do, can't do, and that you aren't allowed to accept help from anyone, it really gets to bother you. So the following year, his birthday was a big deal. We were much more stable financially. My birthday? Crash had to work grave-shift the whole week. I was dissapointed without so much as a "happy birthday" but I told myself that he couldn't help it. That it was work's fault. That weekend was a 4-day weekend, so I thought he would have done something. In fact, the day after my birthday I talked to him and told him I understood that he couldn't have done anything because he was working, but that maybe we'd do something that weekend. Expectantly, I waited. He tells me on Sunday that if I want to do anything for my birthday I'll have to plan it and I'll have to get a babysitter. He didn't get me a gift, and he never even said happy birthday. His mother came to visit a few weeks later, and he got deployed the same time. So I was stuck with his mother for a whole month, but that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He was getting back from Greece less than a week before our anniversary, and my foot was broken. For our anniversary this year we actually spent a few days away with a big group of friends. I got him a couple of DVDs and a book that he wanted. I got a margerita from my friend Heather...
Halloween, he had to work (and if you can't guess Halloween is the most important holliday to me, with Christmas as a second). Thanksgiving, I was so sick and exhausted that I didn't even make our thanksgiving dinner until the Saturday after. Crash helped put away the mashed potatoes, and that's it. Now here's where I am now....
This year, our finances are great. We can afford to do a lot for Christmas. As a kid, I grew up in one of those families that lives from holiday to holiday, always looking for ways to celebrate eachother and show our love and excitement. I grew up in a family that never had less than 13 people around the table at Christmas. My parents were very poor, but they always made sure that we had something to open that had never been owned by someone else. My parents were proud but they were never too proud to accept a basket of canned food at the holidays. With such a huge extended family, nobody ever felt like they were doing everything and getting nothing in return. But with 3 very young kids and a husband who is either clueless or just an asshole... I feel isolated, overworked, exhausted, un-appreciated and absolutely terrified of being dissapointed again this Christmas. I'm depressed enough already I do NOT need to feel like this is going to be the way my life is going to be indefinately.
Christmas shopping is fun for me. Shopping in general really. lol. I've already finished buying gifts for my 3 best friends and their children, for my youngest son, and I let the kids all pick out their presents for Crash. I've also got him a couple of things. It didn't hit me until I got home that when Christmas comes around, I'll probably be the only one without something to open. I know Crash will have a lot to open, because I took the kids shopping. He won't do that. I know the kids will have something to open because I bought some presents for them already. But Dan won't get them something from him, and I'll have to put both of our names on all of their gifts, even though I'm the one who did the shopping and I'm the one who wrapped them. I'm the one who does the "santa" gifts as well. If you could divide all of the things that go into having a proper christmas into percentages, I would say that Crash does between 1 and 2%... hang on, I thought parenting and marriage was supposed to be 50% from each (really 100% from each, but splitting the work).
Maybe my expectations are just too high. Maybe I am just being selfish and I should shut my mouth and get back to work. I just don't think I can take another holiday dissapointment.
I have given up on giving up fags until after the holidays.
This weekend is going to be fun. I'm going to an SCA Yule-Ball. Technically it starts tonight, but I would rather get up at 9 tomorrow instead of 4:30am. So I'm not going to tonight's events. Tomorrow however, I get to dress in my gorgeous medieval gown and bust-corset with my proper medieval ladies' surcoat and everything. Then I get to chase around at least 5 children all dressed like vikings, and eat at an authentic grand feast. I know the cook, so I KNOW it's going to be good.
Sunday morning we'll wake up and help clean the site. Then I'll have enough time to get a shower and change before going to Crash's Christmas party for work. A bit early, but then again, I know people who are utterly impatient for Christmas as soon as Holloween is over. I'm a Designated Driver this year. Usually Crash doesn't drink so I'm a little shocked that he asked me to DD. But no worries. I'll be getting sloshed at new years. Especially if christmas goes the way I'm expecting it to.
I'm warning you, from here on out, this blog might get longwinded and pissy...
I hate to say it, but hollidays seem to have lost their glamour for me. After 4 years of working my ass off to make each holiday wonderful for my new family, and getting absolutely no help and no reward, I am absolutely exhausted emotionally. Take my 21st birthday for example. I had to get up and make breakfast for everyone else. Nobody even mentioned that it was my birthday. All day I cleaned the house and did the chores. I even had to wash the dishes because Crash refused to (it's his ONE job normally). No gifts. No fuss. I didn't even get a hot bath. Crash completely let me down. So of course, after a few days I let into him about it. I told him how upset I was and I made a big deal about his lack of enthusiasm. One month later, he did the same thing about our anniversary. Which wouldn't have bothered me normally, had it not been for the HUGE issue we had just had. Nothing. Halloween, he was deployed. Thanksgiving, he didn't get out of his pajamas. I did all of the cooking and cleaning, and he even went to sleep before I put the kids to bed, which left me with all of the cleanup and child-care again. Christmas last year, we were REALLY bad off financially. But he refused to let me get help from one of the agencies that are SPECIFICALLY for that purpose. I wasn't allowed to go to the food-pantry, so we didn't have a nice Christmas Dinner. I think we ate Macaroni & Cheese. I wasn't allowed to accept any donations from the toys for tots people, so our kids only got what I was able to scrounge up at the unwanted donations bin at the thrift store. They got used roller-skates with another kid's name on the bottom. And I still managed to give Crash a candle-holder and some candles, as well as a nice sweat-shirt. Me? Nothing.
I know that people say it is better to give than to receive. I agree. But when you are constantly taken for granted, told what you have to do, can't do, and that you aren't allowed to accept help from anyone, it really gets to bother you. So the following year, his birthday was a big deal. We were much more stable financially. My birthday? Crash had to work grave-shift the whole week. I was dissapointed without so much as a "happy birthday" but I told myself that he couldn't help it. That it was work's fault. That weekend was a 4-day weekend, so I thought he would have done something. In fact, the day after my birthday I talked to him and told him I understood that he couldn't have done anything because he was working, but that maybe we'd do something that weekend. Expectantly, I waited. He tells me on Sunday that if I want to do anything for my birthday I'll have to plan it and I'll have to get a babysitter. He didn't get me a gift, and he never even said happy birthday. His mother came to visit a few weeks later, and he got deployed the same time. So I was stuck with his mother for a whole month, but that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He was getting back from Greece less than a week before our anniversary, and my foot was broken. For our anniversary this year we actually spent a few days away with a big group of friends. I got him a couple of DVDs and a book that he wanted. I got a margerita from my friend Heather...
Halloween, he had to work (and if you can't guess Halloween is the most important holliday to me, with Christmas as a second). Thanksgiving, I was so sick and exhausted that I didn't even make our thanksgiving dinner until the Saturday after. Crash helped put away the mashed potatoes, and that's it. Now here's where I am now....
This year, our finances are great. We can afford to do a lot for Christmas. As a kid, I grew up in one of those families that lives from holiday to holiday, always looking for ways to celebrate eachother and show our love and excitement. I grew up in a family that never had less than 13 people around the table at Christmas. My parents were very poor, but they always made sure that we had something to open that had never been owned by someone else. My parents were proud but they were never too proud to accept a basket of canned food at the holidays. With such a huge extended family, nobody ever felt like they were doing everything and getting nothing in return. But with 3 very young kids and a husband who is either clueless or just an asshole... I feel isolated, overworked, exhausted, un-appreciated and absolutely terrified of being dissapointed again this Christmas. I'm depressed enough already I do NOT need to feel like this is going to be the way my life is going to be indefinately.
Christmas shopping is fun for me. Shopping in general really. lol. I've already finished buying gifts for my 3 best friends and their children, for my youngest son, and I let the kids all pick out their presents for Crash. I've also got him a couple of things. It didn't hit me until I got home that when Christmas comes around, I'll probably be the only one without something to open. I know Crash will have a lot to open, because I took the kids shopping. He won't do that. I know the kids will have something to open because I bought some presents for them already. But Dan won't get them something from him, and I'll have to put both of our names on all of their gifts, even though I'm the one who did the shopping and I'm the one who wrapped them. I'm the one who does the "santa" gifts as well. If you could divide all of the things that go into having a proper christmas into percentages, I would say that Crash does between 1 and 2%... hang on, I thought parenting and marriage was supposed to be 50% from each (really 100% from each, but splitting the work).
Maybe my expectations are just too high. Maybe I am just being selfish and I should shut my mouth and get back to work. I just don't think I can take another holiday dissapointment.
I have given up on giving up fags until after the holidays.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Hope your christmas party goes the way you want it andthat you have lots of fun.
Look forward to seeing you soon.
You do have a rght to be pissy about it hun i would be!
miss you!!!