xx_river_xx

Guess you never know...

Tuesday was a day like any other. I was awoken a tad early by my husband. I assumed he wanted to spend some time with me before heading off to work. And yet, for the next hour, maybe more, I had the joy of staring at the back of his head, as he was (...you guessed it...) playing video-games. I can't say that I complain, as the frequency and duration of his PC-binges has drastically improved. The man who I would have once checked into the Mayo-clinic for obsessive RPG-ing has become much more helpful to me, and has become much more involved with the children. I was a little miffed however, but more for the fact that I have been rather depressed of late, and have been getting far less of the time with my friends that I depend so much upon. Crash is a visual person, whereas I am a social one. It's simple differences that cause so many of the clashes in our relationship. Well, Crash left for work in a very depressed mood, saying that when he got home, we should probably talk.

Now, when a woman says "We should probably talk", it can mean one of several things. Either you did something wrong and she wants you to fix it, she did something wrong and she wants to apologize or someone else did something wrong and she wants you to be sympathetic. But when a man says "We should probably talk" he can mean one of these two things. You did something wrong and he wants to rub it in your face until you ask him to help you fix it, or he did something wrong and he's decided an apology isn't nearly as easy as a divorce. You can guess how distressed I was all afternoon while he was away at work.

Early on in our relationship, we could sit for 3 days without sleep just talking. Now both of us seem to dread the act. Understandably so. Every time we talk nowadays, it ends with one or both of us feeling guilty or hostile. All that was running through my mind all afternoon was that he had finally admitted defeat and wanted a divorce. But what boggled me was why.

Tuesday evening rolled around, and Crash arrived home from work. He grabbed some food, and it began. I had written him a note a few days ago outlining the reasons why I needed to take the children and settle down while he was retraining. You see, he has decided that it is best for our family if he stays in the military. Fine by me. The health-insurance is unsurpassable, and the financial security that the military offers is hard to find in any career. A definate MUST while our 3 children are so young. He read the note and we discussed it, and all was well. Then his brain got to working and everything that I had written became skewed.

All of a sudden, he began thinking that I was going to settle down in one place and stay there for the next 13 years while he was in the military. NOT just for the few months while he was training for his new job. Our oldest daughter is starting kindergarten next fall, and during his "tech-school" the children and I are not allowed to accompany my husband. I would have to be living somewhere but aparently the facts were going over Crash's head. He said that we may as well divorce right now. He'd pay me $1,000 a month in child-support, and of course the children would remain on his health-insurance. My mind is reeling all the while. He starts saying things about "All of our problems" and about holding me back from finding someone else I could fall head over heels for.

Well, until Tuesday night, I didn't think our marriage WAS in danger. Every couple has problems, but I always thought we were on the same page. We had verbal agreements on just about everything. He can't (or won't) tell me what these percieved problems even are. It's like one day I'm a numbingly depressed housewife, overwhelmed by my own tedium. And the next I am a 22-year-old crazy woman with a marriage on the rocks, and vomit on her sleeve. Guess it goes to show that you only THINK your life is monotonous and empty. You never know how your partner sees things. Apparently our life was in turmoil, and I missed out on all the excitement.

Now, a few days later, all Crash keeps saying is "I can't just point out something and say that's the problem" ... I tell him to look my direction, close his eyes and point. He'd probably be right. He says he never wanted a divorce. But I can't count the times one of us has said it over the last 4 years. One or both of us is always thinking it. How can a marriage work when both of us are inches from an escape route at all times?

He's starting to try and act depressed now. The whole "I'm sorry... I was just being stupid" bit, just feels so old I don't know if it's real. Maybe it always was. Maybe never. I don't know how much I care one way or the other. Maybe we all have to "fake it" a bit to get on with our lives. I stayed with him because he was my best friend, the father of my children. Not because I wanted to be married to him. Maybe he was right. Maybe I just need to give up and move on.

He told me that 80% of the reason for staying in the military was because of MY health. I inherited my mother's immune system. Not to mention her bones, her cancers, her mental-ailments. In the private sector I'm sure to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars through my life. So he wanted to make sure that I didn't have to worry about finding insurance and Doctors. But divorce would ruin that wouldn't it? He said that I'd still be covered until I remarried. Doesn't sound right to me, but what do I know. I'm just a stupid civilian.

He's telling me now that he wishes he never said anything. He tries to avoid talking to me at all. I don't blame him. I'm sure we's end up feeling depressed and hostile like usual. But what I wish I knew was this... Why now? All of a sudden, out of no-where, this irrational Crash pops up. I've seen him irrational once before in the 9 years I've known him. He's like a Vulcan in real life.

You never know when things are just going to blow up in your face. When 2 years of hard work are going to blow up in your face. You never know when an empire falls.......