New blog.
Okay, I'm watching a documentary on Munchausen syndrome, and it's really freaking me out.... I think that I was abused by my grandmother...
Seriously, this is really fucking long, and is nothing but me ranting and rambling on about my life and how much I'm worried and scared. If you don't read it, I will NOT be upset. lol
Okay, I'm watching a documentary on Munchausen syndrome, and it's really freaking me out.... I think that I was abused by my grandmother...
Seriously, this is really fucking long, and is nothing but me ranting and rambling on about my life and how much I'm worried and scared. If you don't read it, I will NOT be upset. lol
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Okay, here's the deal with my mother... My whole life, my mom took me to the hospital if I sneezed, and she was constantly having arguments with the doctors. But I think that to a large degree, all of the abuse (and over-coddling) I endured from my mother was because she was trying to treat me better than her mother treated her.
She was 16 when she had me. The doctor lied to her and told her that my twin died (we found that it was a lie 15 years later). She then got married to my father and got out on her own, with a 17-year-old husband... They were both too young to be married or to have kids, and the stress eventually got the better of my mother. It wasn't until my brother was born, when I was nearly 7, that the abuse started. My mom got hit by the post-partum depression BAD. She imagined that my brother was always sick, and I wasn't allowed near him. I was in trouble for everything he did. One time when he was 2 years old, I was washing dishes, and he came in the kitchen, grabbed a bread-knife (the serrated, forked tip knife), and stabbed me in the abdomine. I still have scars where the blade entered, and where it exited. I screamed. My mom came running. I was pulling the blade out of my belly and she spanked me for yelling at my brother. She refused to take me to the hospital, despite the bloody wound. I got sent to my room, and my brother got a cookie and cuddled with my mom for the next hour..... I resent her for things like this. Things that happened all too often. I was blamed and punished for everything my brother did. As I got older, I was even blamed and punished for things my father did. What hurt me as a smaller kid was that she screamed. She would scream and cry. I rarely knew why.
Munchausen syndrome is basically faking illnesses to get attention or sympathy. Munchausen by Proxy is a rare form of child abuse by which you either harm the child and blame it on illnesses they don't really have, OR you convince them that they are sick when they are not.... My grandmother had 3 daughters. The oldest was a bit of a tom-boy and was always with my grandfather. My mother was the middle-child and was often punished for what her sisters did, or was completely neglected and left to fend for herself. When my mom was 5 years old, and maybe younger, my grandmother would lock her outside of the house, sometimes in the snow, so that she could get some time alone without my mother. The neighbors let her in sometimes. But along came my mom's youngest sister, and grandma was always in the hospital. Always making Jennifer take medicines, convincing her that she had been abused, when really it was my mother who was left alone for the neighbor's drunken husband to take advantage of at only 8-9 years old.....
Jennifer was sick. I don't know how much of it was CAUSED by my grandmother. I don't talk about Jennifer much because when I was 16, she tried to rape me. I got away, as best as I could, and stayed for nearly 24 hours locked in the bathroom with a pint of taquila...
Here's where I come in... When I was only a year old, I was potty-trained. My grandmother watched me so my mom could go to school (high-school), but she would keep me in diapers. I protested. I tried to get to the bathroom, but it was inevitable. I would have an accident, and I would cry for hours. I know I shouldn't remember these things, but I do. (and of course as I get older, I read more into these things)... I remember her telling me I wasn't allowed to use cups. She forced me to use baby bottles at her house until I was 5. Likewise, I had to sit in a high-chair, and my aunt (yes THAT one) had to GIVE me my baths. If I said anything disrespectful, rude, or swore, my grandmother pinned me to the kitchen-floor and washed my mouth out with liquid Ivory soap. LIQUID SOAP!!!!
She would tell me for as long as I remember, that I was sick. She said that my parents didn't know how to take care of me. She would give me medicine every single time I came to visit, until I was in high-school and knew the difference. Tylenol, tums, vitamins... nothing deadly. When I was at home, I would sometimes get a little cold or cough, like any child. But when I was at grandma's place, I would get violently ill. Even when I was older, she always told me how horrible my parents were, and that they were too young. My whole life, all I hear from her is aweful things about my parents. But I think the worst thing about it was this... She has been telling me for as long as I remember that she knew my parents weren't taking care of me, and were bad parents, because I was molested. She was telling me that for several YEARS before I even knew what molested meant. And then it took me several MORE years to figure out if I really was molested or if she was just a soul-sucking bitch. I've obviously made my decision.
My family has certainly been at the center of everything that happens. Every illness, every catastrophy. How could you try and make it worse for me, you fucking cunt... My mother only overcame my grandma's bullshit and got real help for herself when I was in highschool. It took one extremely dramatic night for me to even realize that my mom was human, and that she needed help. (she tried to catch the house on fire with my brother and I sleeping in it, but my dad caught her and called the cops... it is funny in hindsight, but still really scary)... Now my mom has brain-tumors again. She's going in for her 4th surgery next month, right after I go there to visit. Like I said, my family is always sick, always has drama...
I'm wondering now, if maybe I'm not really sick at all. Maybe it IS all in my head. The doctors can't find out what's wrong, why I hurt all of the time, why I keep gaining weight. I do have some things physically wrong. But I am wondering now if I am incapable of being healthy? I want to hate my grandmother. I want to blame her for everything. As much as people tell me I should hate MY mother, I refuse. Sure, I resent the favoritism. She took my brother's side over mine every time. Until I moved out and she saw all of the shit that he was really doing. lol. My father had a car-accident that had him on pain-pills. He got addicted. My mom blamed ME for stealing her pain-pills, even when my dad was in narcotics-anonymous.
My family is fucked up. I'll be the first to admit it. But I don't want that for my kids. For that reason, I have cut off a lot of people. My grandmother was one of them, but the cunt has found a way back into my life temporarily... I am on vacation in October. I'll be visiting my parents for a few days, and my grandparents have just moved onto the same acre as my parents (actually they kicked my parents out, moved into their house, and made them move into a condemned house on the property)... So with my grandmother only a 12-second walk away, avoiding her would have been hard enough. But no, she is making it hard for me (even now while I'm still in another COUNTRY) to tell her no. She's a very sweet and charismatic person. I think you'll find that most crazies are. I don't mind her seeing my kids, if my husband, my brother, my parents or I am present.
I am always scared of things that have hurt me in the past. For instance, my dad's narcotic problem, although he is all better now, makes me worry about ever getting addicted to something. So I monitor very carefully what medications I've taken, how much I've drank, etcetera. My mom was bulemic and anorexic as a teenager, and has always battled with her weight since. She was always dieting but the foods she kept in the house were things like oreos and pop-tarts... It was an addiction to foods/sweets. She was an emotional eater, and always battles with depression. Several other people in my family are emotional eaters.
When I was in highschool, I stopped eating. Anorexia I guess, but nobody saw it at the time. Not my mom. Not me. It took a lot of work, but I do let myself eat now. Sometimes I forget meals. But I'm not in danger of malnutrition now or anything. I get worried though now that I am falling into the other family pit and over-eating. I am fat. I'm a PSW. I'm really happy about what my kids have done for my body. I just feel like I've lost all of the self-control I used to have. Sometimes I'm worried about how much I yell at my kids. I would get so scared as a kid when my mom would scream or when I would see other kids being hurt and not know if what I was seeing was real or a dream, if it happened to me or someone else... I'm a psychic as some of y'all know, and it started as young as I remember. Some of the abuse I saw as a kid I've only had explained to me recently. There was a girl getting burned with cigarettes by her mom, but if it were me, I know I'd have scars or have been taken to the hospital by someone else. I found out who the girl was, and my mom and I had a good long talk about the things I saw. Anyways, I know I yell a LOT less when my medications are regular. More reasons to believe I need help. But I think I need more help than I'm getting. My mind is racing still, but at least I'm getting some of this shit out of my head for now.
Okay, here's the deal with my mother... My whole life, my mom took me to the hospital if I sneezed, and she was constantly having arguments with the doctors. But I think that to a large degree, all of the abuse (and over-coddling) I endured from my mother was because she was trying to treat me better than her mother treated her.
She was 16 when she had me. The doctor lied to her and told her that my twin died (we found that it was a lie 15 years later). She then got married to my father and got out on her own, with a 17-year-old husband... They were both too young to be married or to have kids, and the stress eventually got the better of my mother. It wasn't until my brother was born, when I was nearly 7, that the abuse started. My mom got hit by the post-partum depression BAD. She imagined that my brother was always sick, and I wasn't allowed near him. I was in trouble for everything he did. One time when he was 2 years old, I was washing dishes, and he came in the kitchen, grabbed a bread-knife (the serrated, forked tip knife), and stabbed me in the abdomine. I still have scars where the blade entered, and where it exited. I screamed. My mom came running. I was pulling the blade out of my belly and she spanked me for yelling at my brother. She refused to take me to the hospital, despite the bloody wound. I got sent to my room, and my brother got a cookie and cuddled with my mom for the next hour..... I resent her for things like this. Things that happened all too often. I was blamed and punished for everything my brother did. As I got older, I was even blamed and punished for things my father did. What hurt me as a smaller kid was that she screamed. She would scream and cry. I rarely knew why.
Munchausen syndrome is basically faking illnesses to get attention or sympathy. Munchausen by Proxy is a rare form of child abuse by which you either harm the child and blame it on illnesses they don't really have, OR you convince them that they are sick when they are not.... My grandmother had 3 daughters. The oldest was a bit of a tom-boy and was always with my grandfather. My mother was the middle-child and was often punished for what her sisters did, or was completely neglected and left to fend for herself. When my mom was 5 years old, and maybe younger, my grandmother would lock her outside of the house, sometimes in the snow, so that she could get some time alone without my mother. The neighbors let her in sometimes. But along came my mom's youngest sister, and grandma was always in the hospital. Always making Jennifer take medicines, convincing her that she had been abused, when really it was my mother who was left alone for the neighbor's drunken husband to take advantage of at only 8-9 years old.....
Jennifer was sick. I don't know how much of it was CAUSED by my grandmother. I don't talk about Jennifer much because when I was 16, she tried to rape me. I got away, as best as I could, and stayed for nearly 24 hours locked in the bathroom with a pint of taquila...
Here's where I come in... When I was only a year old, I was potty-trained. My grandmother watched me so my mom could go to school (high-school), but she would keep me in diapers. I protested. I tried to get to the bathroom, but it was inevitable. I would have an accident, and I would cry for hours. I know I shouldn't remember these things, but I do. (and of course as I get older, I read more into these things)... I remember her telling me I wasn't allowed to use cups. She forced me to use baby bottles at her house until I was 5. Likewise, I had to sit in a high-chair, and my aunt (yes THAT one) had to GIVE me my baths. If I said anything disrespectful, rude, or swore, my grandmother pinned me to the kitchen-floor and washed my mouth out with liquid Ivory soap. LIQUID SOAP!!!!
She would tell me for as long as I remember, that I was sick. She said that my parents didn't know how to take care of me. She would give me medicine every single time I came to visit, until I was in high-school and knew the difference. Tylenol, tums, vitamins... nothing deadly. When I was at home, I would sometimes get a little cold or cough, like any child. But when I was at grandma's place, I would get violently ill. Even when I was older, she always told me how horrible my parents were, and that they were too young. My whole life, all I hear from her is aweful things about my parents. But I think the worst thing about it was this... She has been telling me for as long as I remember that she knew my parents weren't taking care of me, and were bad parents, because I was molested. She was telling me that for several YEARS before I even knew what molested meant. And then it took me several MORE years to figure out if I really was molested or if she was just a soul-sucking bitch. I've obviously made my decision.
My family has certainly been at the center of everything that happens. Every illness, every catastrophy. How could you try and make it worse for me, you fucking cunt... My mother only overcame my grandma's bullshit and got real help for herself when I was in highschool. It took one extremely dramatic night for me to even realize that my mom was human, and that she needed help. (she tried to catch the house on fire with my brother and I sleeping in it, but my dad caught her and called the cops... it is funny in hindsight, but still really scary)... Now my mom has brain-tumors again. She's going in for her 4th surgery next month, right after I go there to visit. Like I said, my family is always sick, always has drama...
I'm wondering now, if maybe I'm not really sick at all. Maybe it IS all in my head. The doctors can't find out what's wrong, why I hurt all of the time, why I keep gaining weight. I do have some things physically wrong. But I am wondering now if I am incapable of being healthy? I want to hate my grandmother. I want to blame her for everything. As much as people tell me I should hate MY mother, I refuse. Sure, I resent the favoritism. She took my brother's side over mine every time. Until I moved out and she saw all of the shit that he was really doing. lol. My father had a car-accident that had him on pain-pills. He got addicted. My mom blamed ME for stealing her pain-pills, even when my dad was in narcotics-anonymous.
My family is fucked up. I'll be the first to admit it. But I don't want that for my kids. For that reason, I have cut off a lot of people. My grandmother was one of them, but the cunt has found a way back into my life temporarily... I am on vacation in October. I'll be visiting my parents for a few days, and my grandparents have just moved onto the same acre as my parents (actually they kicked my parents out, moved into their house, and made them move into a condemned house on the property)... So with my grandmother only a 12-second walk away, avoiding her would have been hard enough. But no, she is making it hard for me (even now while I'm still in another COUNTRY) to tell her no. She's a very sweet and charismatic person. I think you'll find that most crazies are. I don't mind her seeing my kids, if my husband, my brother, my parents or I am present.
I am always scared of things that have hurt me in the past. For instance, my dad's narcotic problem, although he is all better now, makes me worry about ever getting addicted to something. So I monitor very carefully what medications I've taken, how much I've drank, etcetera. My mom was bulemic and anorexic as a teenager, and has always battled with her weight since. She was always dieting but the foods she kept in the house were things like oreos and pop-tarts...
It was an addiction to foods/sweets. She was an emotional eater, and always battles with depression. Several other people in my family are emotional eaters.
When I was in highschool, I stopped eating. Anorexia I guess, but nobody saw it at the time. Not my mom. Not me. It took a lot of work, but I do let myself eat now. Sometimes I forget meals. But I'm not in danger of malnutrition now or anything. I get worried though now that I am falling into the other family pit and over-eating. I am fat. I'm a PSW. I'm really happy about what my kids have done for my body. I just feel like I've lost all of the self-control I used to have. Sometimes I'm worried about how much I yell at my kids. I would get so scared as a kid when my mom would scream or when I would see other kids being hurt and not know if what I was seeing was real or a dream, if it happened to me or someone else... I'm a psychic as some of y'all know, and it started as young as I remember. Some of the abuse I saw as a kid I've only had explained to me recently. There was a girl getting burned with cigarettes by her mom, but if it were me, I know I'd have scars or have been taken to the hospital by someone else. I found out who the girl was, and my mom and I had a good long talk about the things I saw. Anyways, I know I yell a LOT less when my medications are regular. More reasons to believe I need help. But I think I need more help than I'm getting. My mind is racing still, but at least I'm getting some of this shit out of my head for now.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
lilandra:
Me too hun, hope your ok, you havent had a good time so far but we are going to make you happy! 
zerodiva:
You have gone through a hell of alot in your short life so far and even though i don't really know you, you seem like a beautiful person to me, so it makes me believe you ar stronger than they ever gave you credit for. Just keep up that spirit!!!!!