xx_river_xx

I want to move to the south, like Mississippi or Alabama, but my husband says no because "it's the bible-belt and they won't lke you there with all of your piercings and wild hair"... o_0

One of the reasons is for the outrageously sexy southern belle accent I want to perfect, so yeah, that's a superficial reason, but we're moving for free next year to anywhere in the US that I want to go.....

Granted I've only ever been as far east as Tulsa, but wtf?


Also, I'm really sad, but I'm not even sure why. I thought I was over the whole broken heart thing, and that Lorrik's power over me was gone, but it's been hard to even breathe lately again. I'm lnely, but I have lots of people to talk to, and I'm not isolated or anything.


I have to lose a lot of weight, and nothing is working.
Just when I was starting to really love my body, my doctor makes me appointments with 3 other kinds of Drs to get me losing weight! I've been eating right for over a year. (with the occasional pice of cake or beer, I admit). I've been working out at LEAST an hour every day in addition to my regular stuff like chasing my 3 kids and scrubbing my house top to bottom. I walk everywhere. I shouldn't be GAINING weight! *sob*

I don't know what's wrong with my health. I am being told 2 different things by my doctors. I can't see my therapist as often as I need to, and my meds are horribly erratic. One doc wants me to stop smoking. The other wants me to wait until my meds are stable before I do anything else that's stressful like that. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't control anything.

At least I've started reading again. But I really wish I had my kids in daycare or something so I could actually get a real job.

Getting my SG-set rejected didn't feel bad actually, until a few days later. Shock or something. I've got it on SCS (River - Stairs & Stripes), but now there's drama and bullshit about the Plus-sized SGs, most if not all of them are gone now, and I'm worried they're keeping my set without paying me... and I'm feeling hopeless. SG has been important to me for years, but I am starting to realize that things are different now. The big shiny new red bike is really a rusty fixer-upper with a weight-liit-to-ride.....

The trip I was looking forward to in October is still full-tilt. It's still happening, and the money is fine. I'm just not looking forward to it like I was before. I guess it's just that I had so much I wanted to do, and I've only really got 5 days with my parents. I just miss home. And again, my husband refuses to live near there as well. But because of old friends I had and old trouble I got into... I know he's right, but I'm better than that now. I'm not going to go out and see my old boyfriends and sneak out like when I was 17. Besides, I'm a grown-ass woman! Why doesn't anybody else see that?

Everyone is always trying to protect me from something! My husband and I were going to a club and I asked him what he thought of how I was dressed... he said that the outfit made me look really fat, and he didn't want me to be self-conscious while we were out. WTF? I mean, I wasn't self conscious, but he was ashamed to go out with me or something... he denies it, but I don't care. That was almost a year ago, right? At the time I said "fuck you" and wore the outfit anyways. Then a couple weekends ago we went to a retreat for the weekend with some other friends, to get a much-needed break from our kids. While I was packing, I asked him what he thought about the bathing-suit I was tossing in... he had me put it on, and THEN told me it was really bad, and looked aweful on me, but he was only saying it because he didn't want me to feel self-conscious there..... Okay, I KNOW he doesn't learn from his mistakes, but my self-image has gone downhill a LOT in the last year, so I borrowed a one-piece from my best friend (who was watching my kids for the weekend).... I wouldn't have cared, but he was really mean about it. He didn't mean to be, but he has NO tact. lol

The only thing keeping me feeling somewhat comfortable in my own skin at the moment is Mika. The guy who sang "Big Girl, You are Beautiful"... whenever I can, I just think about that video with all of the gorgeous full-figured women dancing around scantily clad, and looking amazing. Also, LoRider's "skinny" video is funny as shit, but the song is more of a farce than a genuine appeal at PSWs to stop feeling crappy about their weight....... MIKA, you are so wonderful! I love you. (even more because my husband can't stand him! )

Sorry for the randomness today. I started posting in the PSW Random Thoughts thread, but cut and pasted it here when I realized it was going to be freaking long.

I don't know what to do to make myself feel better that I can do with my kids right here... maybe I'll walk over to my girlfriend's house and veg for a while.

I wanted to thank a couple of y'all for helping me feel better when I've been in funks before.
JamieBond, Torgaddon, Lilandra, badrobot, and TemplarJareth ..... god I miss you Jareth.....