And I swallow these capsules to regain my grip
And I swallowed myself sick And I inherited my health
Sometimes its all I can do.
I have a problem. I've always tried to escape it.
I'm not big on drinking anymore.
So these pills help put my mind to rest.
I've been thinking about my life lately.
Contiplating where it was I went wrong?
*Im rewinding back to an old entry back in October 04*
I have this friend.
We've had a connection but
because he got involved with one of my friends
I lost interest. Yet still I remained civil and
respected this person alot.
Alcohol brings out the best in people. This I should know.
Well last halloween, He said somethings to me that really hit hard.
He basically told me that he was upset with me for never calling him.
That the only reason he helped me move was cause hes been interested in me.
That i was good people and that he waited for me.
That now he has a girlfriend and they live together and blah blah blah.
Which I could care less.
I was happy. I am happy.
Im fine the way I am.
but the simple fact he sat there and said to my face that I wasnt myself.
That I will never be happy until I have someone in my life to complete it.
That I can sit there and smile all I want and all it will ever be is fake. ........ That hurt.
I've been alone practically all my life.
I've had my share of ups and downs.
I decided to focus on myself.
Work, school........ me
I got tired of being walked all over.
I got tired of being used.
Not knowing what was real and what was a lie.
Ive had heroine addicts for boyfriends,
ones that would call me cause they wound up in jail.
Ones that would come and go as they please.
I had a bestfriend who told me he loved me and took it back.
I've slept with a guy I morally shouldnt have.........
So why now, am I so fucked up in the head.
Where the hell did i lose my self control.
Im a better stronger person then this.
If you open the dictionary up to independent
Youd find my picture.
I miss that feeling.
The past 2 month has been hell for me.
My finances are really not lookin well.
All it took was that one mix up with my mail
now Im screwed.
I cant get my head above water.
Its so much stress.
Paying my bills, trying to save money to pay my fines, keeping people happy, being sick, trying to find my dot, trying to stay busy, lack of medical insurance, normal everyday drama with work and life.........
Im slowly sinking to the bottom of the fuckin ocean.
I've run out of options.
Ive tried to think of numerous way to help myself.
Short of taking my clothes off for money, that is.
Ive recently even mustered up every last ounce of dignity I had
into asking my father for help.
The one person in my life who has made me feel so ashamed of who I am.
He's the reason why Im never satisfied in life.
That I wont be.
Nothing is ever good enough.
So I can never ask for anything with out feelling like complete shit.
So looks like as of tomorrow
I will be contacting some debt specialist to
get them to assist me in
paying off my bills.
See if I have to file bankruptcy.
Just basically get an idea of what im looking at.
Then As soon as I am done this....
I need to start looking for jobs in S. MD.
Thats right,
I hate to say it.
I hate to do it.
I hate to think about it.
Im leaving baltimore.
Just thinking about it kills me.
I've found the most wonderful room mate ever
I really do mean that. I love her with all my heart.
but unfortunately, if I stay Im just going to make things worse for the both of us.
IF theyre was ever a time to believe in miracles.........
I think it would be now.
Im just scared to get up and leave.
Leave everything and everyone.
I need to go find that person I once was.
Get my life back on track.
So I dont have to walk around
with a smile on face
not because I feel like im lying to everyone........
more so to myself.
Maybe its what I need,
Maybe its for the best.
Maybe I need to start all over.
Then again, maybe that just aint enough.
Why do I always question myself.
Ive been in tears since 3am this morning.
I only keep doing this to myself.
I called my sister today because shes the one person I love the most in this world.
Since im drivign illegally I havent been able to make the trip to go see her.
So when she heard me crying she asked me what was wrong?
I told her that I hated life, and that i missed her ..........
she was in the middle of practicing so she asked if she could sing a song for me.
I told her to go ahead.
OF all songs she picked to sing to me........
it was the one that I once told her reminded me of her.
This was a while back and she still remembered......................
........................
"If you ran to the end of the earth
I would catch you and you would be safe
If you fell down a well
I would bring you a rope and take all of your pain
all the pain, all the pain
that you hide from me everyday
If youre missing I will run away
I will build a path to you
If you're missing I will run away
Cause I find myself in you
If I woke up alone I won't stop till i'll find you and you are with me
cause by now, I know you better than you know yourself
and I know what you really need
what you need, or I need
but either way this is where you should be
here with me, or ill bleed so much that you wont believe
If you're missing I will run away
I will build a path to you
If you're missing I will run away
Cause I find myself in you
you better not, you better not run
you better not, you better not run
If you're missing I will run away
I will build a path to you
If you're missing I will run away
I will find you
I will find you
I will find you "
- Something Corporate - The Runaway
Well, What else can I say.......
And I swallowed myself sick And I inherited my health
Sometimes its all I can do.
I have a problem. I've always tried to escape it.
I'm not big on drinking anymore.
So these pills help put my mind to rest.
I've been thinking about my life lately.
Contiplating where it was I went wrong?
*Im rewinding back to an old entry back in October 04*
I have this friend.
We've had a connection but
because he got involved with one of my friends
I lost interest. Yet still I remained civil and
respected this person alot.
Alcohol brings out the best in people. This I should know.
Well last halloween, He said somethings to me that really hit hard.
He basically told me that he was upset with me for never calling him.
That the only reason he helped me move was cause hes been interested in me.
That i was good people and that he waited for me.
That now he has a girlfriend and they live together and blah blah blah.
Which I could care less.
I was happy. I am happy.
Im fine the way I am.
but the simple fact he sat there and said to my face that I wasnt myself.
That I will never be happy until I have someone in my life to complete it.
That I can sit there and smile all I want and all it will ever be is fake. ........ That hurt.
I've been alone practically all my life.
I've had my share of ups and downs.
I decided to focus on myself.
Work, school........ me
I got tired of being walked all over.
I got tired of being used.
Not knowing what was real and what was a lie.
Ive had heroine addicts for boyfriends,
ones that would call me cause they wound up in jail.
Ones that would come and go as they please.
I had a bestfriend who told me he loved me and took it back.
I've slept with a guy I morally shouldnt have.........
So why now, am I so fucked up in the head.
Where the hell did i lose my self control.
Im a better stronger person then this.
If you open the dictionary up to independent
Youd find my picture.
I miss that feeling.
The past 2 month has been hell for me.
My finances are really not lookin well.
All it took was that one mix up with my mail
now Im screwed.
I cant get my head above water.
Its so much stress.
Paying my bills, trying to save money to pay my fines, keeping people happy, being sick, trying to find my dot, trying to stay busy, lack of medical insurance, normal everyday drama with work and life.........
Im slowly sinking to the bottom of the fuckin ocean.
I've run out of options.
Ive tried to think of numerous way to help myself.
Short of taking my clothes off for money, that is.
Ive recently even mustered up every last ounce of dignity I had
into asking my father for help.
The one person in my life who has made me feel so ashamed of who I am.
He's the reason why Im never satisfied in life.
That I wont be.
Nothing is ever good enough.
So I can never ask for anything with out feelling like complete shit.
So looks like as of tomorrow
I will be contacting some debt specialist to
get them to assist me in
paying off my bills.
See if I have to file bankruptcy.
Just basically get an idea of what im looking at.
Then As soon as I am done this....
I need to start looking for jobs in S. MD.
Thats right,
I hate to say it.
I hate to do it.
I hate to think about it.
Im leaving baltimore.
Just thinking about it kills me.
I've found the most wonderful room mate ever
I really do mean that. I love her with all my heart.
but unfortunately, if I stay Im just going to make things worse for the both of us.
IF theyre was ever a time to believe in miracles.........
I think it would be now.
Im just scared to get up and leave.
Leave everything and everyone.
I need to go find that person I once was.
Get my life back on track.
So I dont have to walk around
with a smile on face
not because I feel like im lying to everyone........
more so to myself.
Maybe its what I need,
Maybe its for the best.
Maybe I need to start all over.
Then again, maybe that just aint enough.
Why do I always question myself.
Ive been in tears since 3am this morning.
I only keep doing this to myself.
I called my sister today because shes the one person I love the most in this world.
Since im drivign illegally I havent been able to make the trip to go see her.
So when she heard me crying she asked me what was wrong?
I told her that I hated life, and that i missed her ..........
she was in the middle of practicing so she asked if she could sing a song for me.
I told her to go ahead.
OF all songs she picked to sing to me........
it was the one that I once told her reminded me of her.
This was a while back and she still remembered......................
........................
"If you ran to the end of the earth
I would catch you and you would be safe
If you fell down a well
I would bring you a rope and take all of your pain
all the pain, all the pain
that you hide from me everyday
If youre missing I will run away
I will build a path to you
If you're missing I will run away
Cause I find myself in you
If I woke up alone I won't stop till i'll find you and you are with me
cause by now, I know you better than you know yourself
and I know what you really need
what you need, or I need
but either way this is where you should be
here with me, or ill bleed so much that you wont believe
If you're missing I will run away
I will build a path to you
If you're missing I will run away
Cause I find myself in you
you better not, you better not run
you better not, you better not run
If you're missing I will run away
I will build a path to you
If you're missing I will run away
I will find you
I will find you
I will find you "
- Something Corporate - The Runaway
Well, What else can I say.......