i almost did. i almost cried that moment in the car when she looked over at me with those big, childlike eyes of hers... like a little baby angel. it was close, but i knew the tears wouldn't come- i haven't been able to muster any up since childhood. i think maybe i'd already figured it out back then, maybe somewhere around the time my family moved from n.y.c. down to florida when i was 11 years old: this world is mine and mine alone. but it took me another 13 years to finally admit that to myself. i'm such a softie. and so trusting, even though anything anyone tells me is a load of crap.
i am endlessly being swallowed inside a world of evil robots telling stories about worlds that don't exist.
"daddy won't you let me come home?" *cry* "you're better than my real dad, you said you loved me- hold on a second... yes? well, this isn't something i normally do, i'm just a college student working her way through school."
"alexander, i want to be your friend" [if by "friend" you mean someone to torture]
"yes alexander i promise i'll come back to your hotel room tonight. i can't promise when, but sometime tonight." [if by "promise" you mean "bullshit"]
"i live in an abandonded building filled with rats- wanna come visit?" [see previous journal entry]
"my friend peter's place, you can't come up because he doesn't like you" [even though he'd never even met me at that point]
"my roomate" [peter]
i wonder if i ate enough shit from all of you if i might someday spontaneously combust?
}><{
holy fuck it's disgusting how hot this city is. and i'm surrounded by all you stupid fucking asshole moron zombies taunting me with your mindless bullshit: of course the retard talk (although it has perhaps found a temporary home in a little red-haired girl, as long as i can stay alone with her for as long as possible) crowding me, getting in my way, standing there staring at me like doggies with their master. life is a cancer. every single living thing is a repugnant monster. you should have heard the words my mom just used to tell me she could care less about the fact that i can't even remember what day i last ate or slept (or had a place to do so, particularly after missing my flight back to florida yesterday) and then refuse to even let me finish my sentence before hanging up and taking the phone off the hook when trying to ask if I might borrow as little as $60 for like a week. hysterically crazy, lying-ass bitch. and though she is sweet at times (but we haven't even met that many), through things like dodging phone calls, boldface lies, and anything related to the drugs and prostitution, the same exact same kind of bullshit could easily have been coming from [----].
it isn't just the lack of sleep- lack of food wears the body out a lot too, and is what more than anything takes away my energy. in the first couple of days, the hunger can actually fuel me, but after a certain point i just become weaker, and if i do eat, it will make me tired initially, but can serve to help me push on even further if i don't succumb to sleep.
and further.
and further.
i took a magic subway ride. with some magic babies [people]. what insanity this reality is. but moments like these, i can stand it without too much pain and see it shape itself around me in the most raw way possible... at times making the most beautiful and perfectly in tune with my mind people it can as i push this fragile human body of mine beyond all limits. even without [----].
in any case, it's wednesday august 24th as i update this now. i made it back to florida. and so i have a little peace and quiet before i try to meet up with potential friend [----] up in n.y.c. again for another adventure along the shiny side of madness.
you know what i think?
yeah, me niether. but let me know if you figure it out.
x
(EDITED FOR CONTENT)
i am endlessly being swallowed inside a world of evil robots telling stories about worlds that don't exist.
"daddy won't you let me come home?" *cry* "you're better than my real dad, you said you loved me- hold on a second... yes? well, this isn't something i normally do, i'm just a college student working her way through school."
"alexander, i want to be your friend" [if by "friend" you mean someone to torture]
"yes alexander i promise i'll come back to your hotel room tonight. i can't promise when, but sometime tonight." [if by "promise" you mean "bullshit"]
"i live in an abandonded building filled with rats- wanna come visit?" [see previous journal entry]
"my friend peter's place, you can't come up because he doesn't like you" [even though he'd never even met me at that point]
"my roomate" [peter]
i wonder if i ate enough shit from all of you if i might someday spontaneously combust?
}><{
holy fuck it's disgusting how hot this city is. and i'm surrounded by all you stupid fucking asshole moron zombies taunting me with your mindless bullshit: of course the retard talk (although it has perhaps found a temporary home in a little red-haired girl, as long as i can stay alone with her for as long as possible) crowding me, getting in my way, standing there staring at me like doggies with their master. life is a cancer. every single living thing is a repugnant monster. you should have heard the words my mom just used to tell me she could care less about the fact that i can't even remember what day i last ate or slept (or had a place to do so, particularly after missing my flight back to florida yesterday) and then refuse to even let me finish my sentence before hanging up and taking the phone off the hook when trying to ask if I might borrow as little as $60 for like a week. hysterically crazy, lying-ass bitch. and though she is sweet at times (but we haven't even met that many), through things like dodging phone calls, boldface lies, and anything related to the drugs and prostitution, the same exact same kind of bullshit could easily have been coming from [----].
it isn't just the lack of sleep- lack of food wears the body out a lot too, and is what more than anything takes away my energy. in the first couple of days, the hunger can actually fuel me, but after a certain point i just become weaker, and if i do eat, it will make me tired initially, but can serve to help me push on even further if i don't succumb to sleep.
and further.
and further.
i took a magic subway ride. with some magic babies [people]. what insanity this reality is. but moments like these, i can stand it without too much pain and see it shape itself around me in the most raw way possible... at times making the most beautiful and perfectly in tune with my mind people it can as i push this fragile human body of mine beyond all limits. even without [----].
in any case, it's wednesday august 24th as i update this now. i made it back to florida. and so i have a little peace and quiet before i try to meet up with potential friend [----] up in n.y.c. again for another adventure along the shiny side of madness.
you know what i think?
yeah, me niether. but let me know if you figure it out.
x
(EDITED FOR CONTENT)
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
fyi- i once consecutivly missed plane flights.. like 5 or 6 of them in a row... now that takes special talents.. and i think you know what i mean by special!!
and .. if it gets to be much for you.. ya know.. me talking about the past... heads up.. if you see a sentence that starts with the word Ben.. dont read it. but i will keep writing till im over it.. writing is how i get over things alot of times... sooooooo... that said... you have fair warning.
X
Onie