xtoxxicsuicidex

right now i can't think.. My thoughts are all jumbled up and i hear all of them at once and i can't focus on anything. I tried to have a good day today.. and was sucessful for the most part. Now, don't get me wrong, all my blogs are not going to be depressed and sad, it just happens to be that my boyfriend of 5 months dumped me last night, and i'm really upset.

Although, I'm not going to dwell on it, {allthough i'm certainly not over it} and i'm not going to lock myself in a room, and cry for 4 months. Im 18 years old.. its not like i was going to marry him {although he was and still is wonderful.} im just learning, and growing up right? I'm just trying to find myself, and become the person i need to become. I just need to create my own path, make mistakes and learn from them.

Unfortunatly, I was not ready to lose him. And it sucks, and it hurts... but I'm happy we're still friends. I Just need to figure out a way to cope with it, and not be upset when i see him. {wich is most likely going to be all the time.} And that really scares me.

Naturally, everyone i've ever become aquainted with knows which is the last thing i wanted to happen, because i was really not in the mood for a bunch of people who think are my friend to ask me if i'm okay, and if i need a shoulder to cry on. Im laughing, im hanging out with my friends, Im not sulky in a corner, Does it really look like i need you're god damn help? I'll get over it. I miss him like crazy. But i'll get over it. If i wanted to talk to someone, i would call someone. If i wasn't okay, I would cry.

I know im just sort of rambling on.. But i really like this. Its new and fresh. Its not myspace. I don't have to worry about anything on here. Its not blogger. Its new.
I can talk about whatever i want.

so here i am, going on and on about how im okay.
But, then i think, if im putting so much effort into one stupid blog.. am i REALLY okay? Is it really not bothering me? Or am i just Lying to myself yet again... trying to cover up my own emotions... to make myself feel better? to make myself apear stronger?

I honestly can't tell you.

The only things i can tell you for sure is,
im not crying...
im not freaking out...
im generally calm...
i do miss him...
i do want him back...
i do feel empty...
i do get kinda jittery and anxious when i think about him
and yes i do still think about him.


those are the facts. I dont know if im really upset over it, and i dont know if im not. I dont know if im lying to myself, because i've gotten so good at it, that i just.. can't remember.

i really don't know much of anything anymore.

I just know that i dont like that I don't know.
And i know that most of this blog doesnt make sense...
but its making me feel better.
and it makes sense to ME...and thats all that matters. You don't have to read this...




::sigh::
Im really confused right now. Maybe im not upset, because im SO upset and angry and frusterated that i've become numb?

And believe me, its not just some stupid boy thats doing this to me. I've felt mentally incapable of pretty much anything for a long time.

I can't talk to my friends...
they are biased
one sided
dont understand
and/or tell me what they think i want to hear.

I can't talk to my mom
because she throws some excuse at me
or tries to give me motherly advice
which is usually to complicated to even think about taking

I can't talk to my grandma
she is old.
i love her, but she thinks its weird that i have guy friends that dont like me. she gets mad because i hang out with guys and have a boyfriend.{she doesnt know were not together...anylonger.}

And unfortunatly, i cannot afford therapy.
Which, I desperatly need right now

seeing as how i know im ADHD.
and I know i have Bipolar 2 disorder {hypomania}
and i've convinced myself that im borderline depressed.
{although im probably not.}

LOOK! im still talking.
and you're still reading.


and i really appreciate that.
its comforting that someone i've never met before {unless its the one person i know on here at this point} is taking this much time to read and try to understand what i'm going through...

wich im sure isn't much compared to alot of you.

but too me, its alot.
I just lost someone that i deeply cared about.
someone who id grown to trust
someone who motivated me, and inspired me, and comforted me, and helped me through hard times.
Just *POOF* gone.

and by no means is this my first relationship, nor longest.
My longest was 3 and a half years. and then second longest 9 months, and now just recently, this one with 5 months.

but this one, felt different. This one.. .. i dont know... It was just different.
and now its all gone.

I'm sure its myfault. which sucks, because i wish i had a bit more time to fix it.. But i don't.

My heart is sad. Its heavy. Im empty.

I know you're probably thinking "all this over.. a boy?"
well, its not like that.
My ex girlfriend just recently came back into my life. the only girl i'd ever been with and she hates me. and that kills me.
I lost a friend tonight. He just up and cut me out of his life..

my best friend and I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Its not her fault, and its not mine.. we just havn't seen Eye-to-Eye i suppose. We've just been distant.

I've just been really sad, and jumpy and irritaited and aggitated lately. I've become this person.. I think too much into everything and create a problem i dont wish to create. I cause problems with my friends.. and my boyfriend {ex...} and i don't like it. But i dont know how to stop it because i dont know how it started to begin with... Its like.. this is what i tell people when i apologize for flipping out on them for no reason. Its like all my bottled up emotions are coming out and bringing a whole other person with them. because honestly whenever i get into an arguement, or snap at someone, or say mean things, i can't really remember the whole story 20 minutes later. Im so worked up, even if i dont know it that everything is somewhat vague and fuzzy. I try to retell the story,a nd im missing somany details. Its really scary, because its like i blacke dout, and then watched everything happen from a distance where i can just barely hear and see whats going on, and then i try to retell it but i have the details mixed up.

and because of it, i've lost mehdi.

I Don't know where i'm going, or what i'm doing..
but im hurting people unintentionally.

but don't let that scare you away. I'm really nice and openminded and fun...
most of the time.


and, now i think im going to leave. Although i could probably continue talking about this for the next like... 5 hours or so.. I'm going to spare you. Lol.