I have an open-ended question for anyone here interested in what it really means to have an opened relationship (and I really hope someone will READ THIS):
Last month brought me intense hardship, but perhaps a new lease on life as well. My father died in mid-July and that sent me reeling in a way I had not quite known it would, even though I was prepared for grief. What happened next was that for a combination of reasons I did something which my girlfriend considered cheating, but which I am quite certain didn't violate any agreed on aspect of our relationship. We have always been fairly opened, but now she is so hurt that we have been forced to separate for the time being and I am still not sure whether to be contrite and begging for her forgiveness, or I should be indignant at her lack of trust and her possessiveness. I care that she is hurt, but I also am personally insulted that she would think I could do anything which violated her trust of me.
To be fair, anyone would have to talk to both of us to know why she could consider it cheating and I definitely do not. However, she is not on here, so you can't hear her side. I will, therefore, try to be as fair and objective as possible. I will give you a short explanation of my own side and you can judge me if you wish to: I went to a retreat in the mountains about a week after my father's death. I had been invited there before he died, and when it happened I had to consider if it would be right to go, but then my siblings all worked with me to wrap up my father's affairs and they each then had to get away to deal with everything. I felt I needed to do the same thing, so I decided I would go to this retreat, even though I knew not to expect to be in good spirits and I was not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me either. I simply hoped getting away would help.
Well, I must mention that this was a nudist retreat and that I have gone to these before and during my current relationship, always with my girlfriend's blessing. She also knew there would be massage and other touching and that I would be in an environment of openness with everyone there where the goal was not sexual, but rather to feel connected to everyone there. As members of this site I have faith you understand my desire to have this opportunity to be naked with good people for the right reasons. The fact is that I have been to many of these same retreats with some of the same people for the last couple years. I have loved it. However, this time I was really in a different mental state and things turned out a different way.
I was there for five days and the first three or so I was still very much effected by my father's death and people were kindly giving me space at times, or talking to me when I was interested in talking. At the end of the third day, one of the couples there bought a large amount of alcohol for everyone to share and I partook. We all sat in the hot tub and drank and talked of many things and I finally felt I was loosening up. The girl who was in the couple who bought the alcohol had a long discussion with me. Her boyfriend apparently was more interested in talking to people inside so he left us out in the hot tub with another couple and a few other people. I had a great conversation with this girl and we really commiserated about what was going on in our lives. We massaged each others' backs and relaxed in the hot tub and it felt right to hold her and hug her because we were talking about deeply emotional things. She told me her mother was terminally ill and she felt for me considering all that I had done to take care of my father before he passed on. We also discussed issues she had been having in her relationship. Eventually we kissed and it was a real kiss, full on and with tongue. We were both rather sedated by the hot water and the emotions though. I know it may sound strange out of context, but it felt very loving and very non-sexual to both of us, and we discussed it.
Over the course of the next day I spent time with several other people, even other girls, and I had close contact with many women that even kissed me on the mouth and who I touched in ways that normally would not be acceptable in regular society, but while all this happened, it was a very controlled situation and people were not trying to be sexual, just exploring boundaries openly. We even had a workshop at the retreat on exploring touch, we had a "cuddle party," and there were several classes on dance. I learned about Japanese Butoh from a very good teacher, and we all participated in trying out various things that were fairly out of the ordinary but freeing and wonderful to do with mature adults who all had the right attitude. The girl I had talked to the night before did seem to be paying me unusual amounts of attention though. That night we talked again in the hot tub and it was much like before, including kissing, but we were much more clear on how we felt and what was okay with our relationship partners.
This girl had a very opened relationship with her boyfriend, and he confirmed that, so I believe her completely. They have had threesomes and many other unusually opened relationship situations, and this was fairly mundane seeming in light of that, so I didn't feel I was violating anything in their relationship. This night we also were not drinking, so we were clear-headed going into this. I had a clear series of discussions I was looking back on with my girlfriend as reference for what was okay in this situation, and it seemed nothing would be strictly out of bounds about this in our relationship either. I felt confident what I was doing was connecting honestly to another person, without concern it would be taken as a come-on because she was clearly in a relationship and not trying to be with me.
I have to add that we were in a place where cellphones didn't really work and so I probably should have talked to my girlfriend, but I didn't. In any event, I felt like she knew I needed to have some peace and quiet and distance to heal after my father's passing. My girlfriend's own father passed away when she was only 22 and it was sudden, so she had been a real strength to me when my father was in the hospital.
The last night I was there I again kissed and got a bit heavier with this girl. There was touching but not so much beneath the waist. We stopped it before it got too far, but we both felt like it was important we focus on our significant others even though we really felt good together and we really were glad to have been able to share grief and concerns and then have the release of being able to just have some fun together. There was no sex, and I felt like that was where I would have to draw the line. I also had started to feel by this time like I didn't want just this one girl to take all of my focus away from the retreat overall. I began to feel like she was looking for someone to help her break away from her boyfriend, while I really wasn't looking for that. She was a very real and honest person though, so I didn't feel like I was doing anything for the wrong reasons. I just started to consider afterward that she might not be as clear on what she wanted as I was.
When I got back home I told my girlfriend within the first hour about what had happened. She immediately accused me of going to some kind of orgy and was infuriated that I would have "cheated" like that. I explained that I never even once would have considered it cheating and that at no time was I trying to start a relationship with this other girl. Besides that, her boyfriend had been there and had been clear about what was okay. My girlfriend was able to recite word for word what we had discussed previously about our boundaries and it clearly meant one thing to her and another to me. I had said I would absolutely tell her before I acted on any attraction I found myself feeling for another girl and that if I was interested in seeing someone else then I would tell her. Otherwise, she said that I should use protection if I had sex with anyone and that we would be honest about everything. That was our discussion. The one thing that short circuited that agreement for me was that I had not intended to start a relationship with the girl at the retreat at all. Moreover, I had not acted on my attraction for her, but simply my desire to connect to the people there and be opened. My point was that this was not me breaking our exclusive agreement to be pair bonded in our intimacy and sexuality. This was not sex or even sexual intimacy. It was intimate and it was, I guess, obviously more than I would do in any other social situation I have been in. Yet, I felt like this was me just letting myself go and sharing myself with a large group as a whole, and not me targeting one other person.
I may be fooling myself, but it feels like what I did was not cheating under my existing agreement with my partner, but I should have talked to her ahead of time. The problem was that I couldn't have talked to her and this situation was not the same as me meeting someone else and trying to "hook up." This was me in a group, acting on what I had previously discussed with my girlfriend, but just in a different way that before. I can accept that I may have been wrong to some degree for not consulting my girlfriend's feelings more beforehand, but I didn't know this would come up and I was clearly not in a normal state of mind. I feel like I deserve more understanding from my girlfriend. I am shocked she would be so focused on me kissing someone else that she wouldn't care that I need comforting right now and understanding.
Now I want to hear what YOU think, because I care about making this up to my girlfriend, but I am also aware I have to be more clear about what I want in a relationship from now on. I am not into jealousy or people being possessive. I thought neither of us were. We have both had that kind of relationship before and we decided from the first days of our relationship (two years ago) that we would not try to hold each other back from being able to fully experience what life has to offer...We both just needed to talk about the details more, clearly. I don't see why this should be the end of our relationship though, or why we have to be separated now. I feel like this was really relatively minor in the scheme of things, when we have both had people lie and cheat behind our backs, and I know we would never do that to each other.
Please tell me what you think. Is an opened relationship ever really possible with someone you really love?
Last month brought me intense hardship, but perhaps a new lease on life as well. My father died in mid-July and that sent me reeling in a way I had not quite known it would, even though I was prepared for grief. What happened next was that for a combination of reasons I did something which my girlfriend considered cheating, but which I am quite certain didn't violate any agreed on aspect of our relationship. We have always been fairly opened, but now she is so hurt that we have been forced to separate for the time being and I am still not sure whether to be contrite and begging for her forgiveness, or I should be indignant at her lack of trust and her possessiveness. I care that she is hurt, but I also am personally insulted that she would think I could do anything which violated her trust of me.
To be fair, anyone would have to talk to both of us to know why she could consider it cheating and I definitely do not. However, she is not on here, so you can't hear her side. I will, therefore, try to be as fair and objective as possible. I will give you a short explanation of my own side and you can judge me if you wish to: I went to a retreat in the mountains about a week after my father's death. I had been invited there before he died, and when it happened I had to consider if it would be right to go, but then my siblings all worked with me to wrap up my father's affairs and they each then had to get away to deal with everything. I felt I needed to do the same thing, so I decided I would go to this retreat, even though I knew not to expect to be in good spirits and I was not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me either. I simply hoped getting away would help.
Well, I must mention that this was a nudist retreat and that I have gone to these before and during my current relationship, always with my girlfriend's blessing. She also knew there would be massage and other touching and that I would be in an environment of openness with everyone there where the goal was not sexual, but rather to feel connected to everyone there. As members of this site I have faith you understand my desire to have this opportunity to be naked with good people for the right reasons. The fact is that I have been to many of these same retreats with some of the same people for the last couple years. I have loved it. However, this time I was really in a different mental state and things turned out a different way.
I was there for five days and the first three or so I was still very much effected by my father's death and people were kindly giving me space at times, or talking to me when I was interested in talking. At the end of the third day, one of the couples there bought a large amount of alcohol for everyone to share and I partook. We all sat in the hot tub and drank and talked of many things and I finally felt I was loosening up. The girl who was in the couple who bought the alcohol had a long discussion with me. Her boyfriend apparently was more interested in talking to people inside so he left us out in the hot tub with another couple and a few other people. I had a great conversation with this girl and we really commiserated about what was going on in our lives. We massaged each others' backs and relaxed in the hot tub and it felt right to hold her and hug her because we were talking about deeply emotional things. She told me her mother was terminally ill and she felt for me considering all that I had done to take care of my father before he passed on. We also discussed issues she had been having in her relationship. Eventually we kissed and it was a real kiss, full on and with tongue. We were both rather sedated by the hot water and the emotions though. I know it may sound strange out of context, but it felt very loving and very non-sexual to both of us, and we discussed it.
Over the course of the next day I spent time with several other people, even other girls, and I had close contact with many women that even kissed me on the mouth and who I touched in ways that normally would not be acceptable in regular society, but while all this happened, it was a very controlled situation and people were not trying to be sexual, just exploring boundaries openly. We even had a workshop at the retreat on exploring touch, we had a "cuddle party," and there were several classes on dance. I learned about Japanese Butoh from a very good teacher, and we all participated in trying out various things that were fairly out of the ordinary but freeing and wonderful to do with mature adults who all had the right attitude. The girl I had talked to the night before did seem to be paying me unusual amounts of attention though. That night we talked again in the hot tub and it was much like before, including kissing, but we were much more clear on how we felt and what was okay with our relationship partners.
This girl had a very opened relationship with her boyfriend, and he confirmed that, so I believe her completely. They have had threesomes and many other unusually opened relationship situations, and this was fairly mundane seeming in light of that, so I didn't feel I was violating anything in their relationship. This night we also were not drinking, so we were clear-headed going into this. I had a clear series of discussions I was looking back on with my girlfriend as reference for what was okay in this situation, and it seemed nothing would be strictly out of bounds about this in our relationship either. I felt confident what I was doing was connecting honestly to another person, without concern it would be taken as a come-on because she was clearly in a relationship and not trying to be with me.
I have to add that we were in a place where cellphones didn't really work and so I probably should have talked to my girlfriend, but I didn't. In any event, I felt like she knew I needed to have some peace and quiet and distance to heal after my father's passing. My girlfriend's own father passed away when she was only 22 and it was sudden, so she had been a real strength to me when my father was in the hospital.
The last night I was there I again kissed and got a bit heavier with this girl. There was touching but not so much beneath the waist. We stopped it before it got too far, but we both felt like it was important we focus on our significant others even though we really felt good together and we really were glad to have been able to share grief and concerns and then have the release of being able to just have some fun together. There was no sex, and I felt like that was where I would have to draw the line. I also had started to feel by this time like I didn't want just this one girl to take all of my focus away from the retreat overall. I began to feel like she was looking for someone to help her break away from her boyfriend, while I really wasn't looking for that. She was a very real and honest person though, so I didn't feel like I was doing anything for the wrong reasons. I just started to consider afterward that she might not be as clear on what she wanted as I was.
When I got back home I told my girlfriend within the first hour about what had happened. She immediately accused me of going to some kind of orgy and was infuriated that I would have "cheated" like that. I explained that I never even once would have considered it cheating and that at no time was I trying to start a relationship with this other girl. Besides that, her boyfriend had been there and had been clear about what was okay. My girlfriend was able to recite word for word what we had discussed previously about our boundaries and it clearly meant one thing to her and another to me. I had said I would absolutely tell her before I acted on any attraction I found myself feeling for another girl and that if I was interested in seeing someone else then I would tell her. Otherwise, she said that I should use protection if I had sex with anyone and that we would be honest about everything. That was our discussion. The one thing that short circuited that agreement for me was that I had not intended to start a relationship with the girl at the retreat at all. Moreover, I had not acted on my attraction for her, but simply my desire to connect to the people there and be opened. My point was that this was not me breaking our exclusive agreement to be pair bonded in our intimacy and sexuality. This was not sex or even sexual intimacy. It was intimate and it was, I guess, obviously more than I would do in any other social situation I have been in. Yet, I felt like this was me just letting myself go and sharing myself with a large group as a whole, and not me targeting one other person.
I may be fooling myself, but it feels like what I did was not cheating under my existing agreement with my partner, but I should have talked to her ahead of time. The problem was that I couldn't have talked to her and this situation was not the same as me meeting someone else and trying to "hook up." This was me in a group, acting on what I had previously discussed with my girlfriend, but just in a different way that before. I can accept that I may have been wrong to some degree for not consulting my girlfriend's feelings more beforehand, but I didn't know this would come up and I was clearly not in a normal state of mind. I feel like I deserve more understanding from my girlfriend. I am shocked she would be so focused on me kissing someone else that she wouldn't care that I need comforting right now and understanding.
Now I want to hear what YOU think, because I care about making this up to my girlfriend, but I am also aware I have to be more clear about what I want in a relationship from now on. I am not into jealousy or people being possessive. I thought neither of us were. We have both had that kind of relationship before and we decided from the first days of our relationship (two years ago) that we would not try to hold each other back from being able to fully experience what life has to offer...We both just needed to talk about the details more, clearly. I don't see why this should be the end of our relationship though, or why we have to be separated now. I feel like this was really relatively minor in the scheme of things, when we have both had people lie and cheat behind our backs, and I know we would never do that to each other.
Please tell me what you think. Is an opened relationship ever really possible with someone you really love?
My husband is a nudist and he loves going to the retreats and resorts.
He used to be into open relationships but when we met he explained to me that he didn't want that anymore. He expressed to me that he didn't want an open relationship with me because he truly is in love with me. I myself have never been in an open relationship but I believe that if you are in love with someone you can't really have an open relationship.
Well, I know I couldn't. That's just me though.
Best of luck to you.
First of all, my condolences on your father's passing. It has been a few months since you posted this, so hopefully the pain and shock of losing him is slowly giving way to a celebration of his life and fondness in revisiting old memories of the time you spent with him. I cannot say that I know what it's like to lose a parent. I did lose my grandfather when I was 12, and he was my best friend. He was a fireman and a family man, a self-effacing hero who devoted his life to those he loved, and I was the world to him. One of the few regrets I have in life is that he didn't live to see me grow up to be the man I am becoming, so that I could make him proud, give back some of that love to him, learn more from him, and most importantly share more moments and bond with him some more. Anyway, all this to say that I sympathize with your pain, and in time I hope you find peace regarding his passing, and that it leads you to an even deeper appreciation of what you had with him.
Now regarding your question, I have to mention that I have never been in an open relationship before, so please take this for what it is, i.e. advice from someone who's never been there, with different viewpoints and his own biases. I can see why an open relationship would be fulfilling, and I have always wanted to enter one. I am insanely busy with school, and I have my own life and wish to have my own experiences, without having to have to report to someone constantly regarding my whereabouts and activities, and I am a loner who needs his space. Being in an open relationship would be the only relationship I could accommodate right now, the only one that would make sense and fit into my life, rather than uproot it entirely. Mostly though, I just really hate clingy, needy people who latch on to you and use you as their crutch. It seems to me as if, oftentimes, an exclusive relationship comes with a set of boundaries that goes beyond the lack of sexual exploration with other partners, for instance a great commitment of time and energy, which often has to be maintained as part of a schedule, much like a chore really. I find that this takes away from the excitement of being with another person, takes the spontaneity and the fun out of it, which is likely what drew you in in the first place. My sister will flat out not be in a relationship with another person who needs a regular commitment of time, because she likes to be able to ''disappear for a few days without having someone worry about or need her", and then pop back up randomly. She wants to be with someone who is not only okay with that, but who actually LIKES that and appreciates the spontaneity in that, and the fact that it is much more natural. What's important to note here is that she does not wish this because she wants to go and sleep with other men, but simply because she wants to enjoy unlimited freedom, except for sex with other partners. My sister has been with her boyfriend for 4 years now, so I guess that is possible. It is not an open relationship per se, but it is non traditional in that in comes free of expectations other than sexual exclusivity. One of my best friends, 20-some years older than me, has been with his girlfriend of 15 years. He is very intelligent, worldly, and a wealth of knowledge, and I always look to him for advice. When he was younger and perhaps in the first 5-10 years of his relationship, he cheated many times with his girlfriend. He told me that this brought him closer to his girlfriend, and he was dead serious when he told me this...So, although cheating is obviously a breach of trust, the parallel here is that if you don't cheat, with overt sexual advances or activities with another person, but actually share some for of bonding, sharing, cuddling that by many would be construed as intimacy, you are in fact most likely getting closer to your partner as a result. This would be both because you are allowed by your partner to go out and have experiences with other women, which in itself is an emotional sacrifice on the part of your partner for the sake of your own personal development, and also because by seeing who else is out there and connecting with them, yet ultimately showing restraint, you gain a greater appreciation of what you do have with your partner.
So my point with that last example is that perhaps your girlfriend sees your actions at the nudist retreat as a transgression, when it is in fact good for your relationship. It is good because it is letting you go and giving you your freedom out of love, only to have you come back to her more loving and appreciative of what you share with her. Maybe she doesn't see it that way because she is more selfish and possessive than she is loving, but most likely it is simply because she is insecure. She was probably caught up in her own emotions and insecurities when you told her this, and too hurt in the moment to appreciate the sensitive nature and the meaning of this getaway, what with your father's passing and your frame of mind at the time. Hopefully, between the time when you wrote this post and now, she has had a chance to reflect on what you needed at the time, and that it was not sexual and is in no way threatening to your relationship. I don't even think that there not being a phone is an issue at all; wasn't the retreat a way to get away from things and people and your everyday grind in the first place, precisely because you needed to unclutter your mind from all of it to allow yourself to grieve fully and to immerse yourself in your pain so you could heal? You skipping out of the hot tub, leaving this girl behind, and calling your girlfriend for permission would have been completely unnatural. She wouldn't have understood, because being in the state of mind you were in, not to mention the sedation, you probably could not have explained the nature of this experience properly. She also would not have been able to understand it, seeing as she reacted the way she did when you told her calmly and soberly to her face when you got back. If she blew up on you like that when you were there for her to look you in the eyes and see that you were genuine in what you were telling her, imagine how she would have felt when you were telling her this at the other end of a phone connection. And most importantly, you leaving the hot tub to call your girlfriend would have entirely broken the spirit of the retreat, it would have brought you back to the "real world'' you needed to escape from, would have ruined the rest of your retreat, and would have made you miss out on an all important moment of connecting and grieving in your life, and would have hindered your grieving process. It would have been imposing on her part, and would have been a major restriction on your freedom.
Now having said that, I would be a complete hypocrite if I said that I would not have felt more than a pang of jealousy if my partner came back from a nudist retreat to tell me of intense kissing and sharing with another naked person in a hot tub. Here's what I might have been thinking: if my partner needed some time to get away from things to think, grieve, make peace with something, etc, wouldn't it make more sense for them to just go off by themselves somewhere secluded in nature, rather than with many other people at a nudist retreat? And the part that might hurt a lot, more than sex perhaps, is that my partner would have had to find a stranger to connect with, share a deeply passionate kiss, and find understanding. Why couldn't I, their partner, provide that for them? Even if there was no sex, to her there probably was the apparent need to seek someone else to share deeply personal thoughts, feelings, emotions, rather than share those with her. So perhaps you need to emphasize that you did not go SEEKING that, but rather found it when all you were seeking was peace and quiet, and that it ended up being welcome and beneficial to you, and that if she would have been at the nudist retreat with you, you most likely would have shared this with her...At the same time though, I find that when you are in a relationship and are emotionally involved, it becomes hard sometimes to share certain things with your partner, because there are expectations that place a limitation on the relationship. Sometimes what you really need is a stranger who doesn't know anything about you so that they won't judge you, won't try to take that burden away from you, won't ask anything from you in return for listening (consciously or unconsciously), won't expect that they have the responsibility and ability to make it all better for you, but rather will just LISTEN to what you have to say. And then later you won't have to face them after having shared this with them, because they were a total stranger and you will never see them again. There's something very special about connecting with and opening up to total strangers. I have found that often these are the most meaningful and rewarding conversations and moments I have, because there are no expectations and you can totally be yourself.
I don't think I will talk about the ground rules you two had established before, and your respective interpretations of those rules, because as you mentioned I don't have her side of the story, so I truly cannot tell which is the truth, and most likely the 'right interpretation' is very debatable anyway, even if both of you remember the conversation word for word. But it does seem to me like you two have different expectations of the relationship, and that perhaps she is the one who is more emotionally attached, or needy perhaps, as much as you do love her. I also think that, after two years, or after any significant period of time, that initial conversation and the initial expectations may need to be revised, as the relationship may have evolved. I think that at the start of a relationship, I would be very casual indeed, and more intrigued and lustful than deeply involved and connected emotionally with the other person. But inevitably, it seems that as time passes, there is this sort of 'bubble' that forms, that bubble being the relationship, and that this bubble includes you and her, and no one else. This bubble is very comforting and familiar, but also a bit of a trap and yes, it does place its limitations, even if unspoken. Actions often speak louder than words. If you two started spending more and more time together as the relationship progressed, and that you did not need to seek out other female encounters, even if just for a chat, then you may have established a precedent of sorts, and then after that there will be expectations, albeit unspoken, that this is how the relationship now is and will be from that point on...
As you mentioned yourself, it does seem that clarity here is of the utmost importance, because this to me seems like a delicate situation, one in which both parties may not define the terms ''open'' or ''exclusive'', and especially ''cheating'' in the same way...
So here's my advice: I think you need to not worry or focus on what was said initially in that conversation about what was and what was not to be allowed, and how the boundaries were established and need to be interpreted, as if you were two lawyers arguing over the interpretation of an important clause in the constitution. I think you need to ask her to tell you what her expectations, needs, and limitations are in the now, at the current point in your relationship, and in light of this disagreement on what it means to cheat. I don't think you need to either beg for forgiveness or act indignant. If you do either of those things, you will either give her power in the relationship (beg) or assume power (indignation). Either way someone's freedom, feelings, desires, happiness will be repressed for the sake of who was in the right here, if anyone...ultimately that will lead to someone harboring resentment and feeling bullied by the other, and these feelings, until properly expressed, will fester, and probably eventually blow up in an unhealthy and exaggerated and unfair manner in the other person's face.
Nobody was wrong or right here, and the only thing that matters here is moving forward. So this past event needs to matter only insofar as it helps you redefine boundaries more clearly, and help you redefine your relationship moving forward. Your relationship is a dynamic thing, not static in the least. What applied two years ago, even if it had been defined perfectly, may no longer hold as feelings evolve. Before you can put this disagreement to good use and strengthen your relationship though, you need to explain to her what this was to you, why you needed it, what it meant and what it did not mean, and why you needed to be alone or to share with a stranger and not her...I don't presume to tell you what this was, only you know, and only telling her the truth can redeem your relationship in my opinion. And if it doesn't then, perhaps you two are incompatible?
On a personal yet related note, there is this girl in school whom I really admire. I have never been shy with girls, but I am so spastic and awkward when it comes to Sarah, it's not even funny. Normally I am very confident with girls and just go for it. Not with Sarah.I am so intimidated by her. She is so driven and focused and perfect in every way, I feel as though she is so unattainable. Yet the more I talk to her, the more compelled I become to find out more, as this just keeps getting better. She is gorgeous and a major overachiever, I love the way she thinks, etc, etc, etc...She just blows my mind. I am normally not intimidated by other people's intelligence, but she is at least as smart as I am, which if I may say so is saying something. Sometimes though, and this is how this relates to your problem, I feel as though if I were to enter a relationship with her, I would be the one who cares more, sacrifices more, is more emotionally involved, and I don't know that this is a favorable, or easy position to be in...I know this is clich, but there is always one in the relationship who cares more. Even if both people are very loving. This may be taxing on that person at times, because they are the one doing most of the work, yet getting the least attention. Maybe this is the case with you girlfriend. And maybe she was okay with that, up until the point where you shared this night with another woman, albeit not sexually. Keep in mind that women put less value on sex than men, and more on emotionally connection and involvement, so this may have been at least as painful as if you had told her you had sex with this other woman, only without feelings involved...This is all just conjecture at this point, but hopefully food for thought...
I hope this helps a little bit, but keep in mind that this comes from a guy who's never been in an open relationship before and who, albeit not overly jealous, is not entirely free from pangs of jealousy at times...And by the way, your blog is really interesting,and I want to respond to more posts, I am just very busy though so my replies may be sporadic. I totally get your exasperation though (expressed in another post of yours) about writing out long posts that ultimately may go unread. The way I look at this is that this is like an online diary. Do it for yourself, and tell yourself that writing a diary brings about a healthy amount of introspection, and is healthy for you. And if you get a response, or make a cool, smart friend who responds to your blog, well take that as an unexpected and pleasant bonus you get for writing a diary...
Oh, and seeing as you wrote this a while back and I just joined less than a month ago, please let me know what happened with your girlfriend (if you are back with her or not, how things are going with her, etc...) in the months that followed this post.
Cheers,
Patrick