xsinonskinx

I don't really know where to start... I know I have alot of thoughts in my head right now but they all seem to be kinda jumbeled. a drunken journal entry from a new friend has left me thinking about change. (go ahead I know you guys are going through all of my posts trying to find which one hit a soft spot..... man my friends are nerds) A few things have happened this weekend and today that have lead me to question certain positions. I wonder why at my job I put myself in this cool, collected, and controled situation in which I hold the power and then I don't find the same in my personal life. I am a control freak and when put in the situation to be the controller in a relationship or atleast one of equal power I find myself abandoning it. I think I need to take a step back and reorganize thoughts. I think I have been lying to myself when I think that last year was composed of some hard core Shannon time. I think the last year I have been distracting myself from myself. My last post dealt with procrastination; I think I have been procrastinating some things that really need to go through scrutiny.

I went house hunting today. I am afraid that one of my friends who is suppose to be moving in with me is not the best idea. I have never had a successful roommate aside from my sister and taking on another one is really scarry for me. I am almost in a position of obligation and the idea of being guilted into anything puts me in the defensive position.

I haven't eaten all day, I am starving, I am pumped full of hydtroxicuts and there is no more processed, come in a box, its already ready already meals in the house anymore because I ate them all. I have no fucking clue where to start with real cooking, I don't want to throw all of my money away to eating out all the time ( I expect no comments about comparing this to the amount I spend on shoes) but the grocery store is my mortal enemy (probably one of my largest fears)

I love my work because of the money I hate my work because I have to be naked in front of people. Not because I am shy or imberresed but because when customers come in and tell me I am getting "healthy" or "growing a pooch" or one of the girls calls me chubby it really gets under my skin and I find myself starring in the mirror tearing apart the fact that my stomach isn't perfectly cut and obsessing over love handles. You would think that the "fantasy" comments or all of the money would reinforce my positive physical appearance but I can't help but be displeased with my physical body. Please don't mistake this, I don't want anyone posting the "your not fat" comments and I am not fishing for compliments. I am just venting. I know I am not fat... I'm just not perfect, and I know I shouldn't be perfect because no one is or maybe I am perfect for me but none the less its irritating.

I really hope no one takes this post too seriously. Its just one of those days where everything gets to you, ya know? My head has gotten the best of me today and in effect my negativity has taken over. I am probably looking way too into things then necessary, a consistant problem when I am having a bad day. I have rambeled on long enough, I need to get ready to go distract myself from my thoughts...its time for some drum and bass.