I noticed this topic on my feed from a lovely doll. And she mentioned it was introduced by @rambo
This is the first one I have decided to write about. Just because it does give me a chance to talk about the girl underneath it all.
My experience is a blend of multiple experiences that shaped me into the girl I am today.
It's something I can never really talk about because I never talk much about it. Except to my fiancé. But I feel like it will be good to get it off of my chest. And I'm hoping that it will help let others know that they aren't alone. Because you aren't. Life has its lemons; sometimes it's going to squirt it's lemon juices into your eyes .
I didn't have a lot growing up.
We moved around a lot. My mom had problems with my dad, and he made it hard on her. So she tried to run from place to place. The same thing happened with the next two. My mother was a hopeless romantic. She poured every ounce of hoe she had into the last man. I saw many bad things happen from too young of an age. I grew up fast. And I learnt a lot from relationships.
My mother was on disability from cancer, and she was a single parent, with no help from family. She did not work. And we lived off of government cheques. My younger sister and I got bullied a lot. From day 1 of school until we moved. Because we were "poor". I felt I had grown to be socially awkward. And I had a lot of hate resonating inside me for years. The affects were bigger on my sister.
So many things happened from 2001 to 2010, I can't even describe the details.
My mom passed away when I was 15, and my sister was 11.
My mom suffered from cancer twice. The second time she got it was much harder. We lived in a small one bedroom apartment in a little town. My little sister and I got the bedroom. My mom slept on the couch. And I remember nursing her, bandaging her, comforting her, and being ignorant and rebellious at the same time. For a long time, that I hate I had was because of her. I blamed her for our life. And I regret that. I started abusing drugs, self harming and drinking heavily by age 13.
And she always forgave me.
At my high school, I was that "stupid emo chick" everyone made fun of. Some girls even made fun of my mom and her being sick. I got into a couple of scraps because of that. I hated school. I hated what I wore. I stopped attending classes. I missed 89 days of one class in a semester. I was surprised that my science teacher had passed me. I was in a dark spot, which caused me to fight with my mother.
She passed away around 10:30pm, February 4th, 2011. Everything for my sister and I changed. We had to leave our home, our school, any friends that we had, our belongings and most of our mothers stuff. I mentioned previously that our family was never around.
Plans were made though, that if anything happened to Mom, we move in with an aunt and uncle. Before that happened, one of my aunts had watched us for a couple of weeks. And she was always fighting with me, threatening to call the cops on me. And I never did a thing. I just wanted to grieve.
When we moved, I felt like I had to forget about my life. We started in the city, where I had never really been to. We started at new schools, and had only a few boxes of items to our name. And it was okay for about 6 months.
Our family 'abandoned' us.
Six months went by with our aunt, uncle and cousins. It was tough and strict. I wasn't bullied as much as before in my first school. But still judged by my "dark, scene girl" appearance. But I had began to make friends. People made attempts to talk to me. And break me out of my shell. Same with my sister.
We weren't really allowed to leave the house. Ever. There were times where we could but only for maybe an hour or two. I had stopped drinking and substances entirely. I still suffered from self harming.
Fights started to emerge at home with family, and between my sister and I. And after awhile, we had to leave. My sister and I were separated. She was placed in Children's Aid, and in a group home. And I was taken to a youth shelter for street kids in Etobicoke. I had made plans with a friend at school, to move in to her home a month later, and to try and reconnect and get close to my sister, and get her back to me. I witnessed so much at 16, especially on the streets. I had a duffel bag with my most important belongings, and you had to sleep with no eyes closed. I was quiet for days. Ate, read, drew pictures, left the shelter until return time at 4pm. And repeat. But I made friends, good and bad. I learned how to fight to survive. And I began to get back into drugs and drinking. Although the I was more cautious. Some of those days I cherish. And I met real people, who could relate to the pain I had felt. And it was hard leaving those people when about a month passed.
Sadly, I couldn't get my sister help. I saw her once when I returned, and then she was moved. And I haven't seen her since.
But I tried. And I tried to do better. I was doing good in school. I was living on my own, I was a welfare student, and that's how I got by. For the next few years. I was going upward, and then more situations arose, and life kicked me to the ground again.
I involved myself with a wrong crowd. And got back into drinking and by 17-18 I suffered from alcoholism. I couldn't go a day without. And it got me into such bad spots.
But I tried to do better. By my last year of high school, I was passing everything and attending a college course at the same time as all of this going on. Personal problems arose, causing me to not graduate my course. But out of 3 siblings and most of my family, I was the first to graduate high school. And I felt damn accomplished.
I decided there is sun behind the rain.
Afterwards, I had decided that I wanted out of the rut that I was in. I moved to the other side of the GTA. With maybe, 6 boxes of belongings and my head held high. I removed myself from government financial assistance and got a job. It didn't work out, but then I got a job at my favourite store. I was putting off my dream to do hair. I had already went through that course during school. And it sucked but you have to live. I was still drinking a lot, but I was doing better. I felt better. And at my new job I met the love of my life. And he filled the spot that had emptied when my mom had passed away, and when I lost my sister. He helped push me to accomplish my dreams, and to be myself. I felt honest compassion. And I could never replace it. He taught me that I can't get through life with self hate. And to fight for what I want.
The outcome
The past I guess... 20 years have taught me so, so much. And has moulded me into the woman I am today, and the woman I am still growing to know. My mother taught me that no matter what, forgiveness is so powerful. And to live with as much positivity as possible. Negativity only brings upon more negativity. She taught was the value of a dollar. And how to survive in life. Without those values she had thrust upon me, I would not have survived being alone at 16.
Although she struggled with the wrong men, she still taught me to never let a man lay his hand on me. And to do better than she did, even though she fought her hardest, she was always so full of hope. My mother taught me how to be brave.
I learned how to read people, and how to live. I feel like an old soul, lol.
Life pushed me to grow up fast, almost too fast. But I don't regret it. I do regret my bad choices, but without mistakes a human cannot learn how to surpass those problems. I have learnt SO much. And developed into such a strong, patient, and driven person. My entire past taught me how to survive in a cruel world, and what kind of person you need to be. I am now on my way to becoming a hairstylist, I am a free lance MUA. A recovered addict, and a lover of life. And after ages of aspiring to be a model, I am pushing myself towards that goal.
That's a quick look at my story, and how my past formed me to be who I am today. And I thank the past for that. And for suicide girls inspiring me to be who I am, and to tell my story. 💜❤️💖
My apologies for writing a novel! And if anyone ever needs advice. I am here and packed full of advice. I love you all ! 💋❤️
