i've been blowing tons of money and i feel pretty bad about it now. its just that i'm wasting all this cash instead of traveling with it, and now i feel a bit like a loser. but i've had some fun partying. still, it is time to slow down and reflect and maybe change some things. i guess i wouldn't feel as bad if i was actually having TONS of fun and not being bored. but i'm not. anyway, its a gorgeous day and i drove down to the terrace on the lake for lunch. i ate something called 'serloin terrine.' yeah, i'll avoid that one next time. but i also ate a chocolate-peanut butter ice cream cone. i think the girl liked me because she gave me three enormous scoops and then turned to her co-worker and said 'oops, i went crazy!" weird, but i got a lot of ice cream. i've been reading henry miller and lawrence durrell's correspondence. they swear constantly, are really enthusiastic, and hate on everyone. just my type of guys. too bad they're dead. i'm going up to this bizarre retreat center tomorrow. it is near this tiny polka fest. so its a lot of crazy soul seaching people mixed with a super small town wisconsin thing. it is either going to be fun or just bizarre. but i'm getting out of town at least. even though i'd rather be going to the intonation festival in chicago. i suck. this is the second week now that i've failed to do what i want to do.