Most people think of me as a naive and inexperienced person when it comes to relationships. I'm not going to argue nor agree with that simplistic statement as much of it can be found true while pieces of that naivety are learned notes from a song that often goes unheard. What I'm trying to say is, people see a person that lives outside of romantic relationships a majority of the time, yet each adventure between kisses and follies are experiences that were misinterpreted [at the time] and [later] found to be deeply valuable within the course of true cohabitation between humans no matter the depth of the relationship. I'm a bit of an enigma to the people around me as well as myself with limited experiences and deep appreciation for the strings between us.
When we discover a relationship between ourselves and another soul we often make decisions we believe to be following an intended course when we are, in fact, following a varying path as interpreted by our heart or mind. We lie to ourselves on a deeper level without realizing it and begin to believe our intent to be exactly that which we choose. It's as simple and complex as it sounds. There is no easy way to interpret our intentions without a bit of soul searching as we witness the conclusions of each event that unfolds. Essentially, we learn from our mistakes when we choose poorly, yet we also have to learn to translate our own love language not as we read it but as a connection between multiple points.
To keep it simple, there are three kinds of love that we share with others (or ourselves). Selfish love is choosing to options that benefit ourselves without regards to another person. Selfless love is choosing the feelings of everyone around us without regards to ourselves. Self love, for lack of a better way to describe it in a word or two, is not exactly what it appears by dictionary definition. Self love is granting ourselves the benefits of a relationship with the world around us while also offering those benefits to the world around us. It's a compromise with our surroundings, so to speak, with double the benefits.
It's very easy to pick one of those ideals and claim that as your current intent is a relationship with friend, partner, family, or stranger. We all think we know what we want in a relationship and make those decisions based on intended goals, but oftentimes we walk along a different path than we think because we only see what we choose to see. Two people could walk along the same path around the lake at a local park and have a completely different experience to discuss when the nature hike is over. We may chose to spend the time admiring our partner versus breathing in the expansive surroundings. We could soak up every color painting the landscape without much notice to the rhythm of our partner's heart as her hands grip tightly yours. Neither choice is wrong nor does either fit directly into any of the three styles of love.
What we see within as we choose our focal content is the kind of love we think we are experiencing yet there are variables that provide a different definition as everything is laid out before our blinded eyes. We could choose to admire the way her athletically toned calves stride effortlessly along the path, her delectably ripe booty shifting seamlessly in her Daisy Dukes, and the way her breasts rise and fall with each breath of fresh mountain air thinking we admire the connection that we may surely make an hour later before (and or after) the shower, but the truth might be more selfish than we think.
Take a fresh bake of cookies for example; we could sneak a few for ourselves to celebrate a job well done before sharing them with our friends, we could give 100% of the delicious bakery away to everyone who enters the door, or we could cherish a few bites while bewitching the senses of our friends as they consume (almost greedily) every last bite. If we steal a few cookies and share the rest it's surely not selfish, right? Not entirely true, but also along a path that proves we baked them for our own benefit versus the benefit of our friends. How do you tell the difference when you really just wanted a few bites because they smelled so good and still end up sharing the rest? That's the difficult part to explain because we can lie to others more easily than we lie to ourselves and still lie to ourselves so well that we almost believe it every single time we make the same choice.
It sounds like a bunch of bullshit, am I right? How can someone accuse another of being selfish when they clearly shared treats with others. Maybe it is, just a little bit, but how about when we choose where to go out on date night? Do we choose the location that has our favorite meal or provides the most benefit to ourselves when enough liquor is consumed? Do we give in to the choice of our date without a single thought about our dietary restrictions or personal palate? Do we choose a locale that connects with our tongues as well as our partner as a compromise? Even a simple "nah, I don't have a taste for burgers" can be based on the selfish approach while finding the perfect waffle joint at 2am might actually be more selfless than self love.
Okay, so you don't eat traditional burgers because you're a vegan. That's not selfish and the choices aren't always that clear. I don't have the perfect answer or a formula to determine the intentions we don't see, but they are always with us in every decision made throughout the day. We'll choose a video game we want to play because we just really want to get that stress out of our system and Mortal Kombat 11 works the best. We'll give in to avoid arguments so that the evening remains light and sleep comes comfortably. We'll provide a beneficial source of love to ourselves while ensuring our connections run deep into the person seated beside us (or on the other side of our webcam). All of us are going to make a decision that follows one of those pass throughout our lives. We'll make selfish choices knowing full well we wanted the most benefit and we'll also make secretly selfish decisions we think of as opinionated choices when we deeply wanted to be the alpha receiving the most from the host of that game show called today.
I am not here to judge anyone on how they choose to live their lives or love their partners. You may love giving everything in a selflessly submissive position or love to dominate every choice made from meals to sexual positions, but there are always elements behind those lifestyles that can fit within a different style of love (as I'll call it). We can say that someone involved in the black and blue end of an abusive relationship is selflessly trying to make everything better for the people around them so less people get hurt or that someone wearing a latex dress with their heels on their mate both on and off camera is living with mostly regard to what they want out of the relationship, but within any lifestyle there can be symbiosis. The abusive relationship is a truly poor choice [of an example] and an extreme one when it comes to selflessly giving, but the point of a truly selfless relationship can be found within and it is not necessarily the best option for anyone along any lifestyle.
When we love selfishly we rob our partner of the benefits they deserve as cohabitants of the world which we share. When we love selflessly we aren't the only people to lose out on opportunity because our losses can weigh heavily on the people around us, like a foundation that gifted all of it's benefits to the surrounding pillars leaving the structure not completely sound. One weak pillar within a building and the collapse is guaranteed at some point within the lifetime of the building. When we love with compromise, loving ourselves and loving others we find a true harmony. We can touch ourselves all we want and offer positive ruminations to our ego, but sharing our love with our surroundings connects us deeply into a world that benefits all parties participating. We build a better home when we are structurally sound. When the pieces connect seamlessly to benefit our jobs, our relationships, our environment, and everything between we can truly live. The more we take from another or give away to everyone else loosens our piece of the world and it's not just "my world" but "our world".
We're going to make mistakes. We're going to be selfish at times. We're going to give so much of ourselves we seem to lose our sanity. We need to spend a little time searching ourselves within our decisions to see how they benefit both parties. It will take a few trials and errors. It might require asking a few questions to our partners to see if the vibe we feel is shared legitimately or if it's something we imagined because of a few smiles we noticed along the way. I smile once too often and it definitely benefits that other side of the fence, but I'm not an argumentative fellow and probably fall along the path of the selfless more often than not. Some of my friends may say I'm as stubborn as Aries come when I make a few bad selfish decisions, too. I'm imperfect and I, too, constantly try to make sense of every relationship gone sour or dissolve a few pieces of myself to compromise. It's in our nature.
All I will ask is that you take some time to look at your relationships with your friends, partners, family, or strangers and think about your goals and choices as yourself outside of yourself. Imagine reading a book about yourself and examining your life as a spectator. Picture yourself as an astral projection seeing your choices unfold and why you made them as if you were Scrooge peering in on the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Don't think too hard on any particular event. Don't scold yourself for the times you earned a scar physical or emotional. Just think about yourself as a point on the map and how it connects with every other point on the map. We're all connected. We all have our ex-partners and current partners. We're all going to have different palates and wear ourselves differently, but in the end we're one love, one nation, one family.
Love yourself as you love those around you. Promote yourself and lift up someone else how you want to be lifted. Let's become the person we want to love and love the person we want to become.
Maybe I'm just naive and believe in fairy tales with beautiful princesses that date the guys (or gals) that want them to benefit from a true relationship. Maybe I'm inexperienced and pulled all of this from some ideal instead of experiencing the grit and grime of the real world. I don't know. Maybe I learned a little in the few relationships I shared about how love works when I wasn't trying to set the clock. Maybe I spent too much time witnessing bad relationships between friends that I learned from their hundreds of mistakes. I don't know where I stand in the overall scheme of things or how I fit into any of your lives, but I do know I want to try to be the best person I can in my attempt to love myself and support those around me. I can't smile if you don't smile and I won't let my pain be the crumbling architecture of our home together. We're in this together whether you love me, hate me, or don't know or care a single thing about me.
Sincerely,
Xander