Love is not always a whimsical array of music notes and rays of sunshine, but oftentimes finds itself defined by the oils that grease the gears and the movement that shifts us partially forward and sometimes back. It's a difficult dance to learn but an easy song to sing, a righteous ray of hope doused with a little too much salt when configuring the right recipe to suit either end of the dinner table.
As we shifted forward from the days before social networking when it was romantic to swoop up a college sweetheart in the campus library or leave a phone number for that ultra cute waitress that delivered a delicious shake and fair fries that were only ordered so that the time admiring her from a distance could be extended we found ourselves searching Facebook for people we thought we wanted to reconnect with and ended up with plenty oddballs we never wanted to connect with on Instagram. It's not all that bad when you've only a handful of friends that stood their ground when you needed them, when haunting the hallways was by choice to avoid bullies and that really cute girl that would embarrassingly screw up the rest of the school year when she declined your romantic invite.
Little did we know that social media would be an important tool abused, misused, and widely accessed to find everything from a flame from our old school days to proper lighting so we could be the superstars we imagined ourselves to be in whatever industry we may (or may not) have seen ourselves working in as we matured to the adults we all are today. Maybe we're still children at heart and maybe we're social justice warriors fighting for a truer and better world. Regardless of where we came from or why we're here right now, we all fell into a marketable atmosphere that tossed a few relationships into trials by fire and created an addiction to maintaining our online status. The younger generation may not remember as well the bygone days when life was almost carefree without worrying about comments on what we did yesterday, but [at some point in our lives] we were all right there.
Now it's a difficult and dangerous pursuit to find love within the heart of that waitress at the local diner that served us our vanilla shake with an extra cherry on top and fries done almost just right because she wanted us to feel special for being so regular to her place of work. While no generation was perfect in their pursuits of happiness, the antiquated styling of unequal opportunity reared it's ugly head with an even stronger force as people hid behind computer screens and brought forth sexual harassment, racism, and all sorts of evils we wished were only a Pandora's Box nightmare. Our cell phones gave us the power to slander our enemies and create vicious images of people we have never once met.
Today we've had nothing but time to hone our craft for better or worse as a global pandemic rolled into our lives like the perfect storm, fueled with chaos, contempt, and clouds so heavy that it both weighed on our shoulders as we searched desperately to find some light to find a way forward through all of this... this... situation we've fallen into so deeply. Creating a sizeable rift between communities and families, the final snowflake tumbled down the mountainside to create an avalanche that yearned to consume us as we blindly picked a side where once we had willfully straddled the tightrope with a manageable fluctuation in weight to either side.
One year ago we lost our ability to visit that waitress, that blue-eyed, raven-haired vixen with distinct curvature that swayed like the petals of a lily in a gentle Spring breeze because we were struck by a virus that surprised us with deadly results. Slowly nations attempted to return to a form of normalcy at paces determined by (often corrupt) political leaders with varying results. Day by day, week by week, and now a year later we still yearn to hear that sugar-sweet voice of a waitress heavily affected by an enemy we still barely understand. Was she taken from this cruel world as her lungs collapsed? Did she find herself fighting to buy toilet paper and cheap perishables while on unemployment? Are we just unlucky to be waiting still for that famed diner to re-open it's doors to the public?
Not a single dating app exposed us to her tender smile and the way her dimples danced under the cool blue light above our favored booth. The world became a sea of misfits looking for love as tides shifted at the worst moment possible leaving us floating on tumultuous waters. Catfish arose from the lowest levels of their watery homes to seek attention from the fishermen/women. The dark, stormy weather prevents us still from the serene experience we were once acquainted, the serendipitous moments fleeting with every anxious breath taken from behind our masks.
Now some of us are lucky to receive a decent lotion from Buffalo Bill's basket when we meet yet another "tattoo model" that appears too good to be true right here in our hometown. Maybe the stolen photos of lesser known Suicide Girl or that number #1500 OnlyFans model should have been a dead giveaway, but who can fault a man (or woman) for seeking companionship during a time of great anxiety, greater depression, and unbearable loneliness? Sometimes that lotion feels like an acceptable consolation prize, like a masturbatory celebration of a mediocre new hardcore video posted to PornHub. Something is better than nothing, right?
I'm sure many of us have felt the struggle in our own way whether (like me) you've spent a few too many hours scouring the best and worst dating apps for some form of companionship or conversation or simply dealt with the depression of being confined in what equated to a cubicle for months on end without anything beyond the scent of your partner's sweat filling your lustful lungs. It's affected us all, strengthened some relationships, weakened even more.
The pandemic has reshaped our hearts as it reshaped our schedules. It left many of us wanting more, not necessarily more our of love, but more out of a life we once believed we understood. It's given us pain, offered us hope, it took away our time while granting us too much of it.
We wear our masks to protect our families, but those same masks caused us to smile even less.
I miss that waitress, the way her blue eyes twinkled as the fluorescent lights danced like stars on the oceans of her irises, the subtle British accent she maintained even after a decade living in the great Midwest, her dimples as pure as the silky white sheets that quite possibly line her bed (don't I wish I knew?!), the way her raven-black hair bounced between chin and neck as she gently raised and lowered her beautiful face between by admiration and the order sheet gently grasped by her lovely fingers.
I haven't found love yet.
I long to feel my depression and anxiety melt away for one single night. One night of the many past and of the many to follow.
I won't ever ask too much nor seek beyond my means, but remain a humble soul seeking one moment to offer myself and the remaining hours of my years can remain dedicated to the people that (sometimes by choice and sometimes not) surround me.
Love always,
Xander
