I left Suicide Girls at the tail end of 2019 and have been away almost nine months. Recently, I participated in the #FirstSG crush event that happened on social media and earned myself a month back on the site, but I waited almost two weeks to come back because I have been busy with work, stress, and thoughts on what I might want to say during the limited time I was going to be back.
The situation has not been easy with a global pandemic that shut down the US and deferred my job hunt (which, oddly, both occurred during the month of March) while also throwing a lot of tension every which way as law fell into disorder, racism rose to the surface, and the world around me began proving that an eye for an eye really does leave the world blind. I don't like to be political or shove anything into people's faces because , regardless of everyone's political stances, life is, basically, a democracy of agreeing how to handle situations that work best for everyone from love to dinner with the children to finding which movie to see at the theater. So many have taken violent stances believing that death with create life, or idiotic stances believing that Democrats in the US of A created this "fake virus" that's circulating the globe. It's ridiculous, really.
I believe in taking a stance. I believe in freedom, love, equality, and so many things that pretty much define what true humanity is versus the humanity we see and start to believe when hate, violence, and stubborn attitudes pull a blinder on the truth to how beautiful it is to be a human, to be humane, to be part of this colorful chaos that is our lives. Maybe I am political by choosing to share my experiences and offer everyone equal chances to choose the location for a dinner date (or whatever), but I'm tired of people being so political they forget about everything else that's equally important. It's a lot like choosing to follow your heart when your mind tells you to stop or trying to get in shape physically when you have some things to work on mentally. Our lives are machines with with a million moving parts and we can't focus on one thing or blind ourselves from the whole. Frankly, it's a lot to take on, but we have been doing most of this all our lives as we take on love, education, mental health, and so many things in our own lives so it's... well, it's not as easy globally, but I think many might understand?!
I never intended to include any of that in this post, but I decided a free form approach would be best in tackling a return post and hope it's in no way a deterrent from reading or enjoying my post (or me).
Times have been difficult, as mentioned above, and I tried to work towards some changes before the US decided to recognize the pandemic and shut everything down (including job opportunities). Unfortunately, the stagnation turned to rot and work has proved to be difficult as everyone relied too heavily on me. At this point I fix everyone else's problems but my own at work and, in some cases, outside of work, too. It has created a lot of stress and anxiety. My depression has grown deeper and I haven't had much distraction or many ways to work on myself. Roller derby was my outlet and that had to stop (understandably), but my other physical activities have suffered due to the situation inside my head causing me to become less focused and show more symptoms of anxiety during any physical exertion.
I am not looking for sympathy and know that many families deserve much more focused attention as they are affected by current environmental disasters, decreased capacities for medical treatments, and political/social fires that rage on with dangerous and sometimes deadly results. It's crazy for all of us today, this year... and I'm merely stating where I've been in the past nine months as I sum it up into what sounds like a depressing story too "woe is me" and less "I got a new job. How are you?"
I hope you've made it thus far in the post and plan on sticking around a little longer because I have a huge admission to make to everyone that's still part of this site as well as people who will never read this because they've parted ways shortly before or after my own departure, but let's not dwell on who's here or even who might read this, right?!
I miss all of you. I really do.
I've had the chance to speak to some of you on a slightly irregular basis via Whatsapp or Messenger (if we connected on Facebook) and even received a few messages on Instagram from some that chose to hunt me down for some godforsaken reason. Who hunts down xHeartSwornx on Instagram after he left y'all high and dry on the set commentaries? 😅😂 Honestly, I do appreciate the love I've received outside of the site and hope that everyone knows I've been thinking about them. I know, I included a huge list of 400 names (or something ridiculous) in my last post, but I've actually thought about most of you throughout the entire time I've been gone as I wished, prayed, and hoped everyone was well through the pandemic and other crazy chaotic happenings that happened in every corner of the globe.
I am not here for long. I'm down to two weeks and three days before I disappear again. This time I'm going to give up the games and much of the Netflix binging as I dive into books to try and find myself and my true writing spirit. Maybe I'm a harsh critic or maybe I really do have a lot to learn, but I feel like I need to dig deeper into my heart and find something creative inside me that I can unleash. Maybe it'll be a collection of poems to lock away in my closet or maybe it will be something else equivalent to the guy that drew stick figures and wondered how he never received the same business as Leonardo da Vinci, but either way it's going to be something I need for me. If I can be a little honest, I think it's going to help me with other people. I am far from a social butterfly and do what I can to drop some love advice in the time of cholera or keep up in a conversation with intellectuals that find me boring when I'm having the time of my life grasping onto every scientific formula above my pay grade.
Enough about me. I'm going to read books and try to write again.
What about you? What have you read lately? What have you done lately? Please tell me how that man/woman in your life has been a f*cking amazing soul to connect with during the lockdown and tumultuous times. Take me on a journey so that I can once again connect with you and maybe steal a little light for myself for my own journey when I run away again for a while.
I really would like recommendations of things to read. Anything from Hawking to Hemmingway to Neruda to Buddhist spirituality. Hook me up!
I hope I'll have the chance to write a blog or two of in depth length within my last two weeks, but don't forget that I still love you and keep my doors open to any conversation at any time. Share with me your accomplishments or drop by and tell me about some of the problems you're having in your relationship. I don't know. I'm willing to be an ear and I need a break from the past 6 months of torturous work and stress. 😂 Seriously, I need friends. Calm the nerves, give me something to do. Plus, I like all of you too much to leave it all up to you and not be there to share in the happy moments or crazy times that might require some steam let out to continue a happy routine.
That's all for tonight.
Love you. Sweet Dreams...or Good Morning.
I don't know when you'll read this, but BOO! I think that's what I'm supposed to say when I come back for a bit?!
💖
Xander out!
