Friends, family, and dream girls,
I know I've been rather distant for quite a few months with a huge break from my massive blogs and some lackluster attempts at catching up on commentaries, but I swear I have some decent excuses no matter how much it pains me to say there are any at all. I'm a fighter and prefer to suck it up to do what I enjoy and do best, yet even my best attempts were thwarted with some unlucky breaks and a few mental falls. Life, am I right?!
This year has not been the greatest for me emotionally or mentally. I've traded out my repetitive panic attacks for more of a constant stream of depression. I've done a few things to entice some happiness in my heart, yet many times it doesn't last long or seems to provoke only a single step toward something brighter which results in my mood remaining in the darkness and teased by the light a few steps further ahead. I've sold off a large quantity of my physical music collection to create space and better organize what I really want to hold on to when it comes to physical goods. I handed off many of my childhood toys to a friend to sell off on eBay with many of my treasured ones to follow in order to make some extra cash and create even more space (both physically and mentally). I've even held off on purchasing some things that I knew provide around a 24 hour period of happiness before being stored in an attic, box, or somewhere random throughout the house only to be seen again when I need to sell it or when I find that (un)lucky gal to take me into her home so I can display it proudly.
The unloading has been going at a slower rate than I prefer, but it's felt good to exchange much of what has sold so far for credit to buy digital music and games that will be much easier to transport should the need arise. That "need" is (hopefully) going to be fulfilled if I can find a way to live a more portable lifestyle with a small place for storage while I travel or to possibly make that dream of become an indentured servant to some really kick ass chick! Hah! Seriously, it would actually be a lot of fun to help out as a personal assistant to someone that travels a lot and allows me a little freedom to see the world even if it's in exchange for making a few calls and carrying some luggage around to make it easier. I never wanted to be in any spotlight and I always enjoyed seeing others' dreams come true. I feel as if my own dreams have slowly faded away and became insignificant to my existence.
I haven't had any air conditioning in this 96F/36C degree weather with around 65% humidity since Wednesday so excuse any odd sentence structures or misguided communications. I've been getting only around 3-4 hours of sleep a night since Wednesday and recently burst a blood vessel in my left eye due to stress so it's been a little painful and distracting. The point wasn't to point out sad news, honestly.
If you're looking for cheerful news, then I can tell you I started playing some Gears of War 5 on my XB1 and Borderlands 3 on my PS4 if anyone cares to join me! (XB1 gamertag: xHeartSwornx and PSN gamertag: xDonglex). They've been keeping me a little busy between droplets of sweat and bouts of depression. I also spent some time working the Horror Hound Horror Convention the past weekend. As many of you know, I wrangle celebrities to and from their panels as well as assist with celebrity photo ops. I'm getting slightly burnt out because it does require a lot of work and I never party or celebrate because everyone goes into straight party mode while leaving me out due to my restrictions on intoxication. I don't mind hanging with the drunkards and potheads, but everyone tends to run off and not notify me when they do which leaves me alone in my room or wandering the halls with strangers much of the time. Only rarely do celebrities (like David Arquette recently) wander into my room to hang out and chat for a while.
I am likely going to give up on my appreciation blogs until further notice. I promised I would come back, but I think it's time to claim an indefinite hold on creating them until I catch up on the 100+ sets bookmarked to commentary and get a chance to clean out my attic and more of my "stuff". I know I've been uncommunicative and haven't reached out of my own accord to anyone as well as maintaining a stealth mode through life while I battle my inner demons and bogus thoughts, but I'm here and will continue to do my best. I miss everyone and promise I'm still alive!
As always, feel free to message me here, Whatsapp, or text me if you feel the need to chat. I'm in my own world trying to keep my own boat afloat, but I remain an active listener and heart if anyone needs to reach out. I know I'm not the only one with a few tears to shed or with a broken heart, but I also don't mind hearing some happy stories if anyone cares to share their celebrations of life and love. Sometimes a cheery story is much more comforting than the typical "are you okay? You can reach out if you need to talk" messages that result in reminders of what's bugging me.
I love all of you and hope everyone has been doing good.
Lastly, if anyone is interested in coming to a Horror Hound convention, please let me know! Sometimes I can manage a couple 3-day passes. That's around a $70 (day of show) value if anyone cares to come to Indianapolis or Cincinnati during the weekends. I am considering holding a raffle/contest (of sorts) for the next show very soon because hotels sell out quickly and maybe free weekend passes might encourage some of you to come to the show?! Let me know if anyone might be interested. Hotel and travel expenses are on you, but you can feel free to hang out and get in for free! Huh? Good idea??
Much love,
Xander
