xheartswornx

There has continued to be an overwhelming force that has reached down to the very core of my being, every cellular structure shaken and stirred until they had no choice but to balance themselves out and create this person that stands strong through vulnerability. I've endured floods of depression and anxiety that practically drown me during some of the storms, two friends that were very important pieces of the person I am today lost their lives within months of each other, and a few times my overall physical structure was compromised during "play".

This past Friday revealed the wake of one such close friend and opened a door to one of the very few things that ever seemed to set my mind straight when I feel compromised of life's gentle balance, roller derby. We suffered the losses of three games, but through each new bout we discovered a connection between us that brought us closer and allowed us to win by team standards even if the points on the board stated otherwise. We suffered a broken collar bone, some sciatica damage, bloody lips, and my torn muscles all to prove we had the blood, sweat, and tears that it took to fight for something we believed in. It wasn't about scoring the highest but fighting the hardest and overcoming our own shadows. We stepped out of our comfort zones to touch the sun and walk among the stars as champions to yesterday's selves.

I sit here, pumped full of triamcinolone, dosed up with ibuprofen, drunk on caffeine, and embraced by a literal knee brace to keep my knee compressed and prevent it from jarring itself into a worse position that could result in a season ending injury. I might shed a tear if I move it just the right way, but don't think I dare shed anything but love for the sweat I gave this weekend and the hope I had lost as weeks flew by recently. I fought hard to make it to game three so that I could bout against two of my inspirations within the derby world, two women that are beyond amazing humans beings even outside of the closed track. I fell in battle at the very end of our second bout and was bummed I couldn't show Grim D Mise that I, too, could smile as sweat dripped down my face and I raced to chase her down despite last year's attempts futile. I didn't get to look in Purr Oxide's face as her glistening abs of steel and muscles that could press four of me inspired me to take a stance against her hard hits and fast feet. I missed out on the field, but was able to assist coaching my family to a victory we had not known, a fairly close endgame score.

I share this with you because it is something that inspired me to create this post. I saw fear, felt pain, and held back almost as many tears as I had cried over the past few months only to feel alone, hopeless, and defeated. I felt weight pressing against my back and I could barely stand one more ounce before I might become another casualty to read about in the local news.

I stood up strong for my team, my family, because I had people like you watching my back. The cute cards that arrived in the mail saved a smile on my face, the messages sent directly to me through Whatsapp/SG DM/Text/Messenger lit up stars above my head, and the constant pouring of love eventually overflowed my cuppa. I felt down and so many of you had picked me up day after day without hesitation or complaint. At times I was, as some might say, a "shit show" as I wallowed in misery and couldn't properly thank or share the same love back. I was the blade in my own hand and so many of you had reached out to replace it with ice cream and some of the cuddliest snuggles I had ever known.

I see you working hard at your craft whether it's dancing, cosplaying, gaming, or doing science-y things. I notice the love and effort put into work and hobbies, the returned appreciation as images were shared of lovely lady bits and particularly bright smiles, and so much more across the board that it's impossible to not notice you. It becomes almost as much a chore as it is a pleasure to see the pert bosoms and peachy keen bums strewn across the landscape that is Suicide Girls when heart and soul are laid bare for all to notice through words, imagery that may be as bare as the layers beneath, and emotions that are as real as my own tears of joy and sadness that cross my cheek from time to time.

It's so easy to fall in love with you, to see the truth gleaming like a pierced nipple bathing in the sun, connected to a most sensitive and intimate part of you but shining bright a piece that lays beneath the skin and atop at the same time. There are faults as we break vows to ourselves and others, large and small. There are blemishes on skin and soul. There are only imperfections like marred puzzle pieces that connect to the vibrant pieces and still they create a unique image of someone more beautiful than life itself. Now, life can be a beautiful place and I dare not deny that it can harbor such wondrous chapters in our lives, but those chapters are written by the people that carved their names into stone as initials surrounded by hearts. This beautiful life is handcrafted by the individuals that contribute graffiti to dirty walls, spin designs of elegant human form across simple poles that served no true purpose before touched by human flesh, and cooked to perfection with each footprint we leave as we follow one path or create a whole new one each day of our lives.

Every voice here is a singalong, every language a new collective of words to learn, every feminine curve unique in design but so wonderfully sculpted that admiration is sure to follow. We are a rainbow of colors, shapes, thoughts, and ideas. Our lovers are the partner twigs that assist in starting the campfire to which we roast our s'mores. Our friends are the assholes, liars, and best fucking people to do the stupidest things with because they do it only to put a smile on our faces. Our families are the ones that we might rebel against as they see our greater good when we prefer to see gold in garbage yet ultimately we find our way to their arms.

I have found so many unique talents, variations of dialects, colors of flesh, and food for thought with each new individual I had the opportunity to communicate with through the site. There have been squabbles, bickering, and fights among some while many gathered at the local bar to "Salud!" another day of blood drained and hugs given.

There are lots of strong, influential personalities that guided me directly or led me as stars to a sailor's eyes. There are smiles that rival the very curves of a woman whether fake or real, large or small, tender or taut. There are eyes that I could swear once were embedded in the deepest of caverns as jewels or high into the heavens taken from galaxies away before being placed into two sockets upon some of the most beautiful faces across the planet.

I have not hugged but very few in person yet feel like I know so many better than I have known some locals over the past thirty years. I have come to know and love each of you as the person you are, sharing intimate moments whether sexual or deeply emotional. There is no place that I would rather be than resting in your arms. Across any sunrise or sunset, Brazilian beaches, European history, or any sight that I could see, I would rather close my eyes and listen to your voices speak your truths as you see them. Upon opening my eyelids I cherish nothing more than the coloration of your eyes as the irises swirl with emotions and pupils dilate with each thought to follow, your lips dancing to each syllable whether I understand or not the words you speak.

I can honestly say that I have loved all of you from the deepest parts of my heart and cherished every moment we shared. It feels deeper than family, deeper than partnership, and closer to our primal state of being. It touches upon the core with soft fingers running along every ridge and crevice. It's the simplicity of two atoms bonding with the complex flavors of paired wines and meals.

I love you. Every length of scar no matter how sad the story, every discoloration of skin due to genetics, the beliefs I may not personally follow or the hair I might not even prefer. I love you because you are the person you are. You are nobody else and you choose to be no one but yourself. You are a star in the sky shining your own choice of colors. Millions of light years away and you still speed through the darkness and guide those that choose to see you to greener Elysium fields.

I would love to tell each of you individually what you've done to inspire pieces of me. How you've turned certain dark days into another day of life. I would cherish the moment I could hug you and say that I love you with more meaning than simple text could every express.

Some of you have shared a hundred conversations and some only two or three. Some of you live mere miles away while others are an expensive plane fare and possibly almost a full day flight away. I have not felt closer to any group of people than I have to you. I haven't felt as much hope shared across so many Jedi as I have in these past (almost) two years that I have been on this site.

I have my family that I share meals with regularly. I have my team that fights with blood and sweat on almost as regular a basis. I also have you, the family that I cherish for a multitude of reasons. I can't help that maybe I fall a little deeper in love though we had not officially ever met when you share the right things that cause a heart to pulsate like never before. Beyond this beautiful creature that you see in a mirror is someone I never want to forget. I see someone that connects many of us based on like minds and polar opposites.

I am different. You are, too. More than the music on our playlist or videos in our collection, more than the trophies earned on our PS4 or amount of SOTDs, more than the sum of our breast to waist ratio, more than the years of hurt or self-destruction we may have caused, more than the wrongs done to us by hateful others, more than any words or descriptions could possibly classify. We are different. We are one. Just as a body is made up of many tissues and structures, we all make up one big fucking planet and here we are, naked and exposed. We rock out with our cock out and breathe in the stench of hard working sweat every day.

This is dedicated to you, yes you. The one that I haven't talked to since we both joined the site decades ago or the one I talked to once or twice the past year. This is for the ones that saw nothing but pain recently and the ones that saw sun finally peek out from the long standing storm clouds. This is for the men and women that capture beautiful moments on camera as photographers and the models that reveal their stories with as much flesh as emotion. This is for the members that come to meet awesome individuals and share love across the globe.

Before I end this, I would like to share some words from @kungfury:

“Hey peeps, KungFury here. Basically adding my appreciations & just thank yous to all that show support to me. It’s an honor that xheartswornx ask me to be featured here. First I want to thank him for being a top dude & a good mate. I also thank @OJTheViking as well for hearing me out & giving me advice when I’m down. Thank @Narsil for that awesome blog she wrote on me, ur a mate 4 life. Thank @Peachie, @Chroi, @RubyAlexia, @Reallifepirate, @Blaizee, @MissJCristina, @Phianixx, @PaigeRose, @Susu, @Keshia, @Tink and all the other models that chat to me & being understanding to me (If we met one day, drinks are on me), your all good mates. As well as the other models that are not on SG but in other places that I talk to regularly, thank you. Thank @Tripodski, @NiallPatterson, @Lady, @Valo, @Coolicio, etc for their awesome photography work, without them their is no alt modelling industry. Also last but not least thank yous that do read this. I always hope everyone does well, nobody deserves a bad life or be bullied or left out. Remember you’re not alone. Be yourself, be positive to everyone, ignore the negative ppl and keep going. You do have mates to those who say I have no friends. We’re all mates here. No one is alone. Know that. Keep going and you can do it.”

Thank you for sticking by when my lights were dim. Thank you for inspiring my strength and creativity. Thank you for sharing love and being the individual you are through and through. I've learned much and have much more learning to go through you and everyone else.

Everyone has a different story, a different angle from which they view life. There isn't a person alive (or dead) that has looked out the same window and noticed the same thing. One person might see and hear the cars driving by on the street level while another person on the top floor might hear the birds and see more blue sky. Someone might look out the same window and see the cute girl entering the baguette shop across the street while another sees the blind man play his guitar at the corner barely 20 feet away from the shop. If we shared the same story, for better or worse, life would be boring and there would be nothing to learn. The fact that we each see or feel something different is a testament that the world is a vast place even within a small community. There is no end to the string of thoughts once we combine one neighbor to the next until we reach across the ocean and connect every last person on the planet. It is our voice, every stuttered word, slang terminology, or tone as we sing that gifts the ones that surround us with something fresh. We are the cute girls walking from the baguette shop. We are the blind man playing the blues on the street corner. We are the poets, artists, musicians, and sculptors that create the ever evolving life we think we know until tomorrow it shifts and changes along with us. No single day is the same such as none of us shall ever be. It is your story that lifts my ears and connects to my heart.

I have drifted from my massive set appreciation posts and let life overwhelm me for too long. I may still be behind on set commentaries (though I do promise to catch up), but I have been saved more times than you shall ever know by everyone here. I fell away from here, but I have always kept all of you in my heart.

Maybe one day we'll meet in person. Maybe one day we'll go on an adventure together. Maybe one day we'll even fall in love. Hey, anything is possible, right? Now, however, let's just say we'll cherish our friendship as family from around the world.

Sincerely,

Xander

💗

@missy @rambo @sean

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(Apologies for a few double tags and definitely some missed tags. I tried my best to name everyone but know a list this huge is near impossible to compile 100%. If I missed you and you read this, please forgive me but know I love you. If you never followed me before and come across this post, I probably love you as well. If you know someone that could use this post in their life then feel free to tag them in the comments so they can read this. The more love the merrier, right?!)

PS. If any of you ever need someone to talk to about the dark clouds in life or want to share any amazing events please feel free to reach out. My door is always open and I will respond to your messages. I want nothing more than to spread more love in the community when there is enough... dare I say it, hate in the world. I am here for you and will remain as vigilant as possible to deliver the maximum amount of love possible. Maximum effort, right? Spread the love. Tag a friend, partner, or whoever. Spread the word!