What is happiness?
When I was a child I used to ride my bike, dream about being a pilot and do the things that I like. I could fly this plane into the air so high, reach out my fingers and actually touch the sky. I had friends, they were plenty, always stopping by, but now they're just figments of what once was reflected in the tears that I cry. Good grades, going places and helped out the whole classroom, even in college tutoring kids in their dorm room. Started to fall out when I obsessed with a little thing called love, joined the military to cook, clean, and find my way above. I was slitting my wrists just to watch myself bleed, screaming at the mirror, into this depression I feed. Wrote a few poems and designed my own death scene, tried not to make a mess and kept my whole room clean. I was ashamed of who I was, no girl to make me happy, a silly young chap sitting alone feeling crappy. Eating a gallon of ice cream and watching television, refusing to see the sun, wore blinders on my vision. I wanted to find true happiness, but I was just fishing, it turns out that my heart went searching and now it's just missing. Thought about pornography to ease my sexual tension, but it wasn't about sex or did I forget to mention? I just wanted a friend that smiled when I told jokes, to describe the cutest young blonde to one of my blokes. Thought maybe if offered my body for a little companionship, no one would look funny as this woman captained my ship. I wanted to cuddle, but hell, if I got laid, if I made a few extra bucks and I got paid. I could put food on my plate more than once a day, I could fake this romance and earn a little play. Ava, Gianna, Lexi, and so many more ladies beguiling, just wanted a kiss one time, now I'm dialing. All these cam girls are tempting but I don't want to crack the whip, I just want a private conversation and admire your lips. Butt plugs and dildos, I don't care about toys, I would have appeared on your camera if you just wanted a boy. Tell the whole world or keep our relations confidential, I really don't care I wanted love, it's essential. I let this ruin me and still think about it daily, should I slit my wrist deeper again and give up cuz I'm failing?! Should I hop on these cams with my last money for bills, to ease sexual tension rather than ease depression with pills? I can't stop these thoughts from meandering too deep into the dark, wandering blindless with nothing left of my spark. I was innocent once when I understood what it meant to truly love, happiest in my prime when I praised the God above. I let adulthood take over when everyone else was getting married, every time that I tried to love our relationship miscarried. Held chrome to my skull because I have a license to carry, concealed my disease to empty the clip and then bury. I want to find love, but more more important happiness, I'm tired of always waking and feeling so so sleepless.
What is happiness?
Is it inside the chemicals you inhale when you smoke, the liquor you drink and a snort of the coke? Is it the power you feel when men bend to their knees, stealing the honey from mistreated bees? Are you happy showing off what you want people to believe, while there's sadness inside every time you deceive? Is it the money in your pocket taken to the store, buying brands names when I know at least five people sleeping next door. In the alley and dumpster because they can't afford a water, at least two might not make it to see the graduation of their daughter. We horde the physical as if we can take it to our graves, but when you're breathing on oxygen is it a Louis that saves? Is it the smoke in your lungs when you start to exhale, that gives your precious pets the pollutants they crave to inhale? The dress that looks good on the floor when you're in bed with him, we only live once but that's not on a whim. We struggle to make ends meet though some swim in beaches, more concerned about who has the cutest of peaches. I'm as guilty as them because I own a closet of hooded sweatshirts, pretend to smile fake despite inside it hurts. I don't know the solution and I can't pretend to have the answer, the question of happiness isn't about one lonely dancer. I seek to find happy and too often dig a deeper hole, rather than find solace and make myself whole. I want to fit in and be just like everybody else, buy the latest trends that can sit on my shelf. Have the girls all laugh when I tell popular jokes, touch on my knees, Heimlich me when I choke. Have all the rough sex, bruised lips from our kissing, earn even more haters to shout boo and start hissing. Selfies on Instagram to show off our couple smiles, pictures of our vacations after hiking hundreds of miles. I want to scream your name even when you invite your friend over, smack on her butt and have lunch when she bends over. I want to have it all because this flash is all happiness, but I still want to know... what is happiness?
It's the diamond gleaming deep inside our chest, born from the coal through all the pain we pressed. It's the hands that we hold even though we had lost, all the times we were wrong and the shine that we glossed. It's the parents that raised even though perfection was far, the times we were turned down by a girl at the bar. It's the failures we tripped over with streams from our eyes, but the truth that we tried is bigger than lies. It's not the things you see through a simple iris, it's the tiniest of concept infectious like a virus. It's the smile below the lips and the wiggle in our hips, the emotions that we share bigger than hundred dollar tips. We're more than just a visual conception of our consumption, so don't believe one girl or purse could make you happy by assumption.
What is happiness?
Happiness is you. Happiness is truth. Happiness is all that we attempt to do. We find it in love, but we find it in ourselves. We can't place our happiness up on our shelves. Feed the temporary to ease the pain, but it's the invisible emotion that offers most of our gain.
*This isn't a story about anyone doing wrong. This is not a confrontation claiming someone else's lifestyle or beliefs are better or worse than any other. I'm not here to judge or claim to know much of anything about life, love, and the hereafter. The only thing I know, but not well, is my own life. I suffer from anxiety, depression, loneliness, and a severe lack of self-confidence. This is just a reflection of my story and the things that I have seen. If anyone wanted to know more about me and the things that float in my head 24 hours a day causing many sleepless nights for over 20 years then you'll find pieces of that here. This is my truth and mine alone. I chose to share this with you because reflecting on life and love as creatively as possible is my "thing" and I want to remain an open book. I know the more I open my chest the more likely I am to bleed. The more exposed my heart the more likely someone is to squeeze. I do this to help you understand me. I do this to help you understand yourself. If you need help dealing with depression, anxiety, or any number of mental disorders, I beg that you reach out to your friends, you reach out to me, you seek professional help. I can only speak for myself, but I will remain available at all times for everyone looking to empty their heart of grief or share the joy that might be just as overwhelming. All you have to do is ask. Send me a message on here. Message me on Instagram. Text or Whatsapp me.
*Remember, I do love every one of you for all the messages, love, packages, and everything you've ever offered me as a member of this community, this family. I've become so close to some that I could swear they were part of the family tree while others have been growing closer and I like to think of them as better friends than some of the locals 10 minutes away.
*If you feel like any of these words might help someone that isn't part of the community, please feel free to share. Sometimes we need an extra few words or another insight or viewpoint to help us over a few high hills on our walk through life.
Thank you for everything and being there through all of it,
Xander
@rambo @missy @sean
