I only just found out about Jesse, well, about his temporary departure from the spotlight. I'm never on social media enough to actually see anyone's posts whether it's you, some hot model, or my favorite rock stars. Social media isn't really my thing and never was. As an introvert and shy guy I never even liked hiding behind a digital screen just to unleash pieces of me. I do let out pieces of myself here and occasionally on other social media, but... well, that's not really the point. It's an excuse to be behind in the news, but hearing about Jess was both enlightening and rough.
I discovered Killswitch Engage not long before their debut album and Jesse's lyrics really hit me. I always thought I was just having a lot of bad days being unlucky and shy. My first brush with cutting and suicide influenced writings started around my final year in high school when everyone was off drinking, getting laid, and leaving me behind to feel like I was some piece of garbage because I wasn't down with their ways of life. It wasn't exactly intentional by my friends and acquaintances, but I let the years of being bullied and being left out because, in truth, I was the one punk rocker left saying I was going to do me instead of fitting into a drug and sex fueled factory of mindless sheep. Heh. That was some crazy shit seeing people I thought I knew decide what was cool because other people influenced them or because they were having some imaginary great time that most of them now regret 20 years later.
I thought it was just my brush with some down times and bad feelings. I listened to a lot of great music to hype me up and keep me breathing when I felt like a battered man left in the gutter. I am not saying I didn't drop some Minor Threat into a playlist or bust out some Rage Against the Machine to get me pumped up and ready to fight for whatever cause, but it was around my discovery of Killswitch Engage that I realized it was a much deeper issue than I ever believed. I was still in heavy denial that it was anything serious or that it was possibly a more permanent co-pilot to my positive state of mind that usually tried to take the wheel.
I listened to a lot of Silverstein to deal with relationship woes. I put on Killswitch to try to get my mind straight. It was just a really long phase of depression that would go away permanently if I found love, got my head straight, and pushed forward, right? Maybe it was a little real, but nothing too serious. The razor blades and poetry discussion forms of suicide or explaining reasons why death might be a better solution weren't any warning signs, right? I was definitely in denial, but at some point Jesse's brush with faith and the positive force behind his lyrics suddenly clicked into place and I realized I was truly dealing with some bad shit in my head.
Later I would discover a lot more music like Memphis May Fire, Beartooth, Amity Affliction, and some other groups that helped keep me afloat during tough mental breaks and emotional devastation, but it Jesse and Killswitch that really snapped this thought into my mind that there is something serious going on I have to deal with in one way or another. He left Killswich to work on personal issues and dropped an amazing album as Times of Grace that really shed some light on faith and making it through dark times. I could feel his pain through every song on that album and it woke me up.
Much like Johnny Cash's "Hurt" which is an amazing cover of a Nine Inch Nails song that might actually be much better when you feel the decades of pain and sorrow in his voice as he fully realizes Trent's lyrics into something more of a life story than just a chapter or verse in history. Jesse wrote lyrics that really helped me think about things and keep me holding on to what I had no matter how painful some of it may be.
It isn't necessarily my favorite song on the album or even compared to many Killswitch Engage songs across both Jesse and Howard fronted albums, but the lyrics are simple and honest truth. Ignore the music if you want and just read the lyrics. This song hit me hard in 2010 and kept me breathing. Even if I went a few years without dusting off my Times of Grace album the lyrics forever stuck with me, the idea was implanted in my head and followed me through all the different bands that I found to get me through another shite day.
I only just heard he made some posts about depression and mental health before deleting everything and heading out to the wilds of NY to gather his thoughts and seek help. He got me through a lot and if he's made it this far I'm sure he has decades more to go. My heart goes out to him. I hope the help he sought will bring him back soon because I know a lot of people faced a lot of dark days with him as a guiding light.
Sometimes we do need to disconnect. Sometimes we do need to accept the help that's available for us. Even a man that writes such great material and would dive into a sea of razor blades to help a fan make it through the worst of times has his own dark clouds.
"If you could never be depressed again or never have another anxiety attack again, would you do it?" His response was "no, because it's made me who I am."
I don't think I would be the person I was today if it wasn't for some of the depression and panic I felt over the years. Even 10 years ago I still wasn't quite the same. Sure, you could probably say a person doesn't really change that much even over extended periods of time, but there's definitely a wisdom gained over the course of more obstacles and tragedies. Mistakes and tears build us as much as positive thoughts and love do. If I found love in high school and married a sweetheart (I wish I had) maybe I wouldn't have experienced some of the adventures or hurt that helped me understand love and life the way I do today.
I still wish I could post an appreciation blog and keep up on commentaries on the sets, but my brain is in a slight fog and this really hit me today so I thought it was better to just unleash the creative and honest beast in whatever format to spark something for later, right? Maybe letting a bit of the serious out would help me find my creative juices?
I don't know if I have a moral to this story or not, but I wanted to say that I love all of you.
Seriously, if you need something, anything, just reach out. I'm right here. Hit me up by DM or ask me for my Whatsapp if you want to chat through text or voice messages. I'm here. Always. Even if you want to talk about set ideas or chat video games, if you want to tell me about a test you had, or share some story that might not interest your loved ones. Happy or sad, I've got you.
Always,
Xander
