I promise a more positive blog (hopefully) tonight featuring the lovely @lady and her work behind the camera (as promised), but all of this depression and anxiety is bumming me out. Sure, I have my own issues and I will get to that in a moment, but I really want you to listen up and hear me out for a minute (or more).
I continue to find blogs describing seasonal depression, have received private messages about anxiety, and continue to get bad news outside of Suicide Girls. I know 2018 did suck for many people, the holidays took a toll on our hearts and souls, and the beginning of this year was not as great as many hoped, but I really need you to work with me on this one. I can't do this alone. We can't do this alone. None of this is, honestly, going to improve unless we do something about it. I know some of you have therapists and have been trying to be as open and honest about things in blog posts, but I want you to know there are a lot of resources out there and people ready and willing to do what they can if you keep your head up and let them help out the best they can.
I still suffer from depression and panic attacks. Many mornings I wake up and wonder why I even bother getting out of bed. I don't have a girlfriend, my friends tend to be a lot more fair weather than anything else, and I hate my job because I get paid minimum wage and my co-workers always have some excuse about being lazy or claiming they don't know how to do something just so I could do the work of 4 people every single fucking day. I would love to just have a job that is minimally rewarding in the least bit and feel like there is a lot more cooperation to accomplish these shared tasks. I would adore waking up to a beautiful woman that wants to experience every great and horrible day that life has to offer as long as it is with me.
I am not perfect and I sit here, as a hypocrite, telling you how beautiful that tomorrow could be for you because I believe you can actually do something to make it that way. You tell me these stories about the sweet things your partner does for you, these adventures you have as you travel, and these glorious goals you have as a model, artist, or just really smart fucking person. Wake up and tell your partner you love them, go outside and breath some fresh air and tell me it isn't beautiful to hear the birds sing, the stars shine in the sky, that the sights and sounds in the reality we sometimes forget isn't amazing. Yeah, you can turn up that music you love, hope in that car you enjoy and rev the engine, listen to the whispers of your lover, or whatever you want and there is something worth loving and living for.
I sit here almost every day and wonder if I maybe post a really good blog and have a few people tell me I made their morning after a really shite day because they felt worthless and now they see how beautiful they are by the words of one single nobody and I could finally call it the end. I could have the gods strike me down how they see fit because I made enough difference in this world for other people so my sad existence can end and people won't have to suffer through my sad times or panic attacks. My anxiety will be no more, my fair weather friends won't have to be fair weather for me anymore. I have and would easily brave stupid shit just because there's a risk something seriously wrong could happen and I wouldn't be around to worry about love and cry about how 10 years flew by and not one person wanted a relationship with stupid ass me. I type this now and even wonder how many people really care what I have to say instead of just clicking the heart in the corner.
I've cut myself, I've challenged myself out of stupidity rather than trying to accomplish some goal, I continually throw in little peppering of self-hatred to motivate myself to push so hard that I actually break. I am no better than any of you. I am crawling in the dirt and covered in muck just like any of you on a really bad day. I'm not perfect. I don't fully live up to your beliefs in me. I am just a single person trying to figure out what's wrong with himself and if it's really worth living when every day is just getting by on a patch made of razor blades. That's the bloody truth.
I am sharing all of this because I need you to know things do not have to be like this. I tell myself I hate myself 9 out of 10 times, but I don't want that for you. No, I want you to kick your shoes off and feel that sun under your feet. Feel that warmth grasp your toes and tickle your heart so when you close your eyes you feel like today is a walk on the beach. I know what it's like to be broke, be depressed, feel unloved, wonder how much of a difference you really make, work hard with no respect and no pay to show for it, barely have friends or wonder if the friends you do have even care, to feel immobilized by severe panic attacks, to cry uncontrollably. I know this is not cool and nobody wants to go through any of this.
I am here not because this site has a bajillion hot women. I am not here to stare at boobs and enjoy cute bum. Sure, I enjoy the ladies and their lady bits as much as the next guy or gal, but I came here because over the years I've found people as broken as me and we always helped get each other of the ground. I found people who knew what it was like to suffer from stupid happenstance and many have made pretty great livings doing some things they enjoy despite some of the weight on their shoulders. Not every heart or mind will be alike here or anywhere, but I always found a little piece of solace when I needed to let go of some negative energy and find some positive. Sometimes it's hard to find people next door that understand and believe me I've tried. I've had friends shrug when I try to tell them stories as they try to understand the concept of any mental illness despite some of them obviously having a little depressive edge or something of that sort.
I am here for me, but I am here for you as well. I want to continue posting blogs about amazing sets and share my appreciation for the positive side of it all. I want to continue to wear my heart on my sleeve and give each of you a part of it. I want to try to respond on all these posts both serious and silly, sexy and sad, loving and depressing. I've shared many experiences with select few over the past 14 years and even more with most of you in the past year. I've mailed out Christmas cards to interested parties and received some from many of you as well. We've communicated in private messages, sent each other texts, connected over Whatsapp or befriended each other on Facebook as another way to talk outside of here.
I have met so many cool people and I hate seeing any of you suffer no matter how serious or silly the circumstance. I have my own problems, but sometimes I do wake up and wonder to myself how each of you are doing. I wonder if things are going as great as last time we talked or if maybe you might need a hug because something in life tripped up.
I don't want pity for my own situation. I don't want you to tell me everything is going to be alright. I've been playing this depression game for over 20 years and the past (maybe) 5 years have been more severe and I've developed panic attacks but that also means I got through this far by my own self. I've rarely had love in my life and friends usually last no more than a few years or come and go so often that 20 years of friendship is really only 1 or 2 if you count how often we spent as proper friends.
Go see a therapist if sitting on a couch and unleashing feelings helps. Take medication if it helps calm the nerves and take the edge off. Talk to friends and hug family if it's something that brings you back to a level head. Do all of this because we need you, I need you. I suffer my own problems, but do I do need your smile to shine a little light my direction. I need that beautiful self to continually prove to me there is such beauty in the world in the people that surround my environment. You don't have to have a perfect heart or live the life of some Hollywood movie rockstar, but by being your real self and living with dirty feet walking the same ground as me is bigger than you will ever know. I don't believe anyone has gone so far off the edges of the world to remove themselves from this equation, but we need light to keep this world right. We need the light you can muster if even for a moment.
So please, between those moments that your partner is at work or your therapist appointment isn't for another week please feel free to reach out. There is an entire community right here to listen. You know who your friends are and who wants to listen. Reach out because we love you and want the best for you. I am more than happy to be an ear to listen, a shoulder to rest upon, or just someone to shoot the shit with. If you want to release your problems or forget all about them please feel free to reach out.
I am available in whatever form you need. Snapchat is not ideal so I don't recommend that, but I can text with my local US friends, Whatsapp or Facebook Messenger for everyone outside of the US (or uncomfortable sharing their phone numbers), and a less immediate (or long form message) directly through private message. Please reach out if you need anything. I know sometimes it's really hard and other times you brush it off, but the longer you let it sit the worse it gets. I've stored a lot of BS in this head of mine and it built up to a few breaking points that I'm almost positive crippled my mental state and I'm trying to work it back up to a stable point. Let it out in a blog or vlog, but still keep in mind you can reach out more personally and we can make it through this together.
I'm here for YOU forever and always. One message away. Almost any time of day.
Xander
I may not be the light you think I am, but I will shine as bright as you need me to if it means helping you find your way to a warm home.
