I apologize in advance for what you are about to read. If you do not enjoy or cannot currently take on a heavy emotional post then please stop now. If you do not want to spoil some of the new performance either then come back later. This is the emotional experience I had today. There may have been pain, this might not seem a happy post, but despite any darker emotional exposure the show itself was amazing and I would relive it again and again no matter how much better or worse my day was leading up to it. Here's my story.
This is my second experience with the SuicideGirl's Blackheart Burlesque. I saw them this Spring around my birthday in April and it was a pretty amazing show. I would have treated myself to the VIP experience, but the truth is I'm too shy to meet the girls. They have a gazillion other fans a lot more likely to talk and hang out rather than being a nervous ball of energy just waiting to melt into the floor. I do lack the confidence required for that sort of bravery. I'll take a bullet without a second thought, but after enough failed attempts and living in an old fashioned world without dating apps, a hundred ways to find many eligible bachelors (or bachlorettes), and the really horrible rejections about being too short or too nice. Okay, I admit the latter would throw me off and I would probably not be able to toss my problems into the ring with a girl that deserved her own star and all I could provide was a little dirt on my worn shoes and some of my mental problems. I appreciate the living daylights out of the nice girls, but am I really worthwhile for someone to be too good to me?
I took some photos and have yet to sort through them to see if any turned out decent to post them. I did also take a few notes on the girls and performances so that I could give a little spoiler filled review, but as the night went on... well, things just got emotional. Today had a rough start with angry and impatient customers and the ever-frustrating co-worker that will forever be a thorn in my side. I barely make minimum wage to maintain just about everything and be the problem solver for technical issues as well as customers so most days I'm already pretty roughed up mentally. Today was en exceptional day for all the problems to fall on my head and have about three times as much work as I would have had were were that annoying co-worker short of a full staff. I can only fix so many problems for other people.
I don't mind being the dead horse you just beat down, but once I'm down please stop kicking me??? Please? I have been looking forward to BB for weeks now and the universe seems to always have a way to send me as many issues as it can to wear me down. "As a lotus unaffected by the mud from where it grows I will stand protected despite all the shit that's thrown" is a lyric from a Krishna straight edge band Better Than a Thousand that has been a huge influence in keeping me where I am today. I know there are bigger problems than mine. I know that I should attempt this self love that I am so horrible at. I tend to find myself walking forward with my chest held high and there's always a banana peel right there below my feet to make some cosmic joke with me as the punchline.
This is not your typical review and I will, hopefully, have a much better review or heavily edited post to share only the good things, but as with many sets on this site there were some emotional connections to the performances. They were all amazing performances as I came to expect, but some reached quite deeply into my heart to be a lot more than some beautiful and talented women dancing and showing off their skills and "goodies". Sure, I enjoyed the eyeful I had for the entire show, but things come up as they always do and this is the story of each performance.
@jennings did her usual stand up routine that was about 85% the same as the Spring show. I enjoyed it, don't get me wrong. I also love seeing her beautiful face and listening to her stories/jokes, but I did hear most of it last time so I could almost recite the jokes. The room was mostly BB virgins so I guess it wasn't too bad for all the "newbs" that decided to attend. I hoped for a bit more of a change in the routine for my second time almost 6 months later. That's fine. I'm good with what happened, but I had to start with the beginning of the show, right?
@cleodora (my forever crush) was amazing and I will forever love and worship that woman and the ground she contorts upon. Lexi was a great host, beautiful, sincere, and funny. @rawna and @lascaux were pretty spectacular if I do say so myself. I couldn't catch the names of the other two dancers so I apologize for that because they were amazing as well. I give all of those women credit for the work they put into this tour. Big props to the merch girl @skella for being a hundred times more gorgeous in person and @sunshine for touring them around as usual. No, I didn't make a big deal of seeing @skella. I purchased a hoodie and shirt and admired her from my mostly silent distance, but she is seriously the sweetest and cutest little thing. No massive conversation required, but I developed a deeper appreciation of all her sets that I left way too many words on as is and feel the need to drop by for more love.
The opening routine was Star Wars which was fun. I believe it was the finale during the Spring show, but it was altered and I enjoyed it just as much. As a child of the 80s I have always been a huge fan of Star Wars. The Buddhist philosophies and entertaining science fiction action and heroics always wowed me and led me to a deeper appreciation of love, life, and the understanding of the universe. I know it was fictional and likely didn't inject too much into that of a youthful little babe, but as I matured I came to appreciate the concepts the more I watched the films or read about the influences and ideas behind George Lucas's vision. Star Wars is and forever will be a huge influence on my very being. It's a pleasure to see new life breathed into a story from my childhood when it actually debuted in theaters. I'm old, sorry not sorry.
The Deadpool performance I predicted from the very first "Shoop" but it was a lot of fun to watch. I know Deadpool blew up and suddenly you can buy a ton of merchandise with his face on it, but he actually grew on me many years ago when people around here didn't really give a rat's ass about him. He was entertaining. I reminded some of my nerdy friends of him and that's why they turned him on to me. Turned me on to him? There was a lot of turning and sex involved. Did that get your attention? Our love of Bea Arthur, plenty of jokes, some pretty insane mistakes and trip-ups, and the fact that we look a lot more alike than you'd think all lured me in. I'm no Ryan Reynolds, but plenty of girls have equated me to that scarred up face that is far from that of a typical ladies' man. It was a fun performance and that Deadpool personality will forever be me. I don't have a hot chick from Firefly in my life and was close one time.... but it seems I won't be kissing anyone like I miss 'em. Unless you want a kiss? If you're female... or have a really nice beard. Maybe if you just have some really cool unicorn pajammies? I'm not too picky.
Morticia Addams? @cleodora? Damn. I grew up watching the Addams Family among many other shoes like The Honeymooners, I Love Lucy, etc. Morticia was always a big crush and my first foray into goth love. Cleo, however, killed it. Forget the tango when you can contort you body like she does. I always appreciated a great contortionist, but after dating an ex-member from this site and learning to share her love and admiration of contortionists I can't help but fall madly in love. I've had the chance to meet Doug Jones (if you don't know then just forget it), saw quite a few street contortionists in Vegas, and have been to a few live freak show performances at various venues. I enjoy seeing humans surpass what might actually be the limit to some and do things that seem impossible. I know most people (male or female) might want a flexible chick because I'm sure it might lead to some entertaining love making, but there's something special about being able to bend the body to your will and have full control over it. There's a talent, a skill. It's beautiful. It's much like watching a flower blossom or reading a poem that slowly unfolds to this wondrous story as each line spins additional imagery in your head.
I don't smoke weed, but I love the Tove Lo performance. I haven't been in her place. I don't have stories equivalent to her lyrics, but there's something even I can identify with in the song and it's an emotional trip for me whenever I hear the song. The performance was beautiful and perfect for the song, but it does leave me a little emotional every time I hear it. Sometimes it's not easy to get people out of your mind or thoughts. It sucks to have a crutch because if that crutch is ever taken from you it's as bad as crashing to the floor with full impact. Having no crutch to soften the blow in the first place means a lot of bloody noses as the face hits the floor, but it's how I was raised and how I chose to be.
I enjoyed the Fight Club performance as well. The movie has done wonders for my state of mind and the way I think things through despite the fact I don't always follow through as I want to. The performance to the Pixies song swept me away to memories when that film first hit theaters. I wanted so much to take apart the film and use it to guide me past all the things I constantly do wrong. It's not all wrong, but there are definite ideas that would lighten the load a bit and I'm still searching. I just enjoy the dance routines that come along with it for now. 😉
Thriller is always amazing. I believe there was a variation last show as well, but I grew up listening to this song enough times to annihilate my tape through overuse. That cassette saw better days only a few years into ownership. It took me back to happier days. It was a killer version, too. Sexy zombies, right?
Lexi doing Poe did me in. I took a tour of Baltimore and Philadelphia to see all the homes, bars, etc that Poe has visited or been to. He's been a massive influence on my poetry and the very person to get me into poetry besides Shakespeare or Robert Frost. As a teen I was pretty depressed and alone and that dark edge really hit me. I was shedding a few tears as Lexie quoted Poe and I can't help but remember my own dark times. I've cut, I've written plenty suicide notes and poems grasping for anyone to listen. I know it's not quite Poe, but if you dig into his life and take a peek into some of that darkness the connection is pretty blatant. I'm not going as far to say he created or inspired my bad ideas, but I understood him. I felt for him. His writings meant something to me. There was a longing I would forever know. It was a beautiful performance, but it hit me really hard in my emotional state to hear Poe and think about the thoughts going through my head even now.
I never really grew out of the suicidal thoughts and even today have them haunting me. I still sit and see a couple walk by and think to myself "well, I don't have long left anyway so who cares if I find love myself?" I'm not okay. I pretend and I bottle up my shit so deep that when the bottle breaks it weighs me down pretty badly. It feels weird to say that I'm not okay. I push denial upon myself so hard that I don't really know where I am mentally anymore. I'm more lost than ever and I feel like I'm screwing things up for you guys not being here enough or not being around as a good friend. I'm not in a good place and all I think about is you. It's messed up, but it's one of the things that keeps me here. I couldn't leave knowing I left friends behind that still need a hand sometimes or a shoulder to leave some tears upon.
The Game of Thrones performance was sooooo good. It was a lot of fun and a great addition. I love the show and needed something to tide me over until the final season in 2019!
The Drive (?) performance was pretty cool. I thought of it as a Blade Runner/Gosling/Drive performance and I'm not 100% sure on that one, but it was a lot of fun and my friend really enjoyed the dancing in that one. Great film, Drive is. An emotional stirring film with barely any words and not even much violence, but the emotion in that film was intense. The violence was brutal. It has a great soundtrack and is perfect the way it it, but if you can watch a film with zero sound or subtitles and walk away feeling like you were in the most intense emotional roller coaster then you know it's a great piece of cinema. I must watch it again!
Star Trek is always fun. Again, I loved @cleodora. I want to talk about my love of that girl forever and a day, seriously. She is amazing. She's gorgeous and has great curves, yeah, but she really is an amazing individual and despite much communication I always try to keep up with her on social media and she's... just amazing.
The quiz with @lascaux was disappointing. Why? Because Cleveland showed how dumb we were. The April show had a true nerd that got every question right and he was a legit dork. It was awesome! @lascaux was, admittedly, quite distracting and I would have an extreme difficulty trying to focus as well, but the dude looked like he was trying to read but seemed to know nothing at all. You disappoint me, Cleveland.
Sailor Moon was lots of fun. I'm not well versed, but I've seen a decent amount. The dance was great, though!
Donnie Darko was an alternate performance from last time and whenever I hear "Mad World" or think about the film I do get sad. It's a really depressing song. "The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had" have always been a truth to me. Sometimes it's helped me fall asleep to think about myself dying. It's sick, it's messed up, but I think about fate and what it might be like if I somehow messed up fate and didn't die during a few of these really tricky near accidents and situations that would have most definitely seen my life snuffed in an instant. Is the universe saying I wasn't meant to die and meant for something else? Am I having a really hard and lonely time because I should be dead and that's why happiness and love elude me so often? It's a hard film to watch and a tough song to listen to. They're both amazing and this performance was so good, but I was holding back tears thinking about how exhausting and depressing my day was today. I wanted to ball so hard and kept watching Frank unveil some sexy curves under that bunny suit.
Westworld was another amazing one! What defines life? Are we alive because we're flesh and blood? Are we alive because we experience things and feel emotions? There's a very deep concept to the show touching upon morality, life, and even love that really hits me. It's a very well scripted show with a powerful soundtrack. I was pretty pleased to see the dancers tackle this one. It's a great show/concept to expose the world to and maybe see some people wake up.
Mortal Kombat? Yes! My ex-girlfriend would always annihilate me with Milenna and sometimes Kitana. I never loved a girl for beating my ass so badly before her. She's making someone else very happy now and she's never without a smile so I'm very happy, but Mortal Kombat is one of those games I grew up with in the arcades and will forever suck at. Street Fighter was more my thing and until they get @cleodora doing some kick ass Chun-Li moves with those flexible legs... then I'll settle for some MK.
50 Shades is one I will never really know. The book nor film ever interested me and my only experience is very lackluster when it comes to kink. The one relationship we tried to involve candles, handcuffs, and all sorts of kinky things never worked because it was not her thing and she was not very sexual at all during our relations. She later developed into her true self after us, but it wasn't really a good trial for either of us so that would require another run, but with the right girl... I'm always up for everything and anything, right? A little kink can be fun. Some leather, a few gags, some hot wax...
Get Schwifty was a fun Rick and Morty performance much different than the Spring one. I still have to expose myself to more of the show... so don't hate me.
This post ended up a little different than expected. I had all sorts of ideas swirling in my head when I was at the show and driving home. I needed to get it off my chest for obvious reasons.
If you read any of this... wow.
The performances were all great. I seriously love this community and the girls that prove they are as smart and talented as they are gorgeous and naked. I know a lot of people flock to the site or these BB shows to see some great looking women, but the truth is that it goes much deeper than that with a tight community. We look out for each other. We love each other. We share our failures and accomplishments. These performances are stories and not just excuses to see some really nice bum or some bouncing boobies. I love what I see, but I'll always have stories to go with the performances. It's that essence, that personal touch that each individual girl puts into this site, this life, that inspires this mountain of love I have for each. I know I joke about stealing them away and I would love to steal each and every one away to sweep them off their feet and be that special one in their life, but I'm always and forever happy to know that they find happiness in what they do or who they love.
I know I've not been here 100% and missed some dark times. I know I've not been able to keep up with everyone. I've not been the friend I want to be and it hurts. I'm always here, through Facebook, Snapchat, SG messages, or even a phone call or text away. Don't ever let anyone hurt you, don't ever let yourself sink too low. I may barely know most of you, but I am here. Even when I'm away or not fully committed here I will drop everything for you, my friends, my family, my loves. Please reach out whether to unload your heart or mind, to ask advice or seek some conversation to put a little light in your life, or just to be a friend and chat because it's what we do.
Apologies for some dark revelations through my Blackheart experience, but it needed to come out for my sake. To any of the crew involved in the show that may have read this, sorry. Honestly, you did make me night. I'm so in love. Even if it's something that might trigger some depressing memories it's what I live for. It's the emotion, the connection to who I am. I would rather hurt and feel something, appreciate that moment than skip it because maybe I shed a tear or felt sad. You all did so amazing and I'm quite proud of you. I hope we can get to know each other better through the months and years to come.
Love always,
Xander
@rambo @missy
(This is public and tagged only because I feel it's important to let people know they're not alone if any of these depressing feelings surface. Don't hesitate because you think no one cares. Don't stop because you think you'll ruin someone else's day. I want to hear the things you're going through. I want you to unload. I want you to find the happiness and love you deserve. Even if it's not to me, please reach out. There are friends, family, this community, and professionals that are available for communication. I would hug you if I could, but you'll have to settle for conversation or digital communication for now.)
