So I had my cousin Jonathan's funeral on Monday (I actually got it wrong in my last blog, he was just a year younger than me), I won't bring anybody down by going into detail but it got me thinking if I died before my time would I get the funeral service I'd want, I've been kicking this idea around in my head for the last few years but I think it's time I actually wrote it out.
In the unlikely and untimely event of my death my three best friends; Steve Barnard, Matt Mills and Chris Beer should be contacted as they would know who else to invite to my funeral (their numbers can be found on my phone), these people also get first dibs on my record collection, any disputes over who wants the same CD/vinyl/demo cassette should be resolved by Rock Paper Scissors (best of three), whatever's left, along with my other worldly possessions should be donated to charity except if they hold sentimental value to my parents.
Should I still be drug and alcohol free I would like the words TRUExTILxDEATHx either on a banner or etched into the wood on my coffin with a Stanley knife, maybe even X's drawn in marker pen on my hands with my arms folded in an X over my chest (too much?). No priests should be present and I can't stress this enough NO JESUS IN MY FUNERAL SERVICE, no prayers, no hymns, no bible passages, instead I would like an open mic where anyone could get up a tell funny stories about me (no downers please), whoever makes the opening statements should include the following.
"James had no religious beliefsat all, having dabbled with Nihilism in his teens but later getting into Straight Edge and Veganism in his early twenties he shocked himself that he had a belief system again. A devout Agnostic and Misanthrope, he believed that if there was some form of creator then humanity is basically and science experiment that went very wrong"
There should then follow a party with at least an hour of music in the church (should people choose to bring drinks for before, during and after the service is completely up to them).
The first two songs should be
Eels - Last Stop: This Town
Rancid - Burn
There should be songs to make people laugh:
Bad Religion - Better Off Dead
Danzig - Tired Of Being Alive
The Stooges - Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell
The Vandals - Flowers Are Pretty
The Singing Loins - Be Merry +
Songs that are horribly inappropriate:
James Brown - Say It Loud - I'm Black And I'm Proud
Deicide - Bastards Of Christ
Bobby Byrd - I Know You Got Soul *
Toxic Narcotic - People Suck -
The last three songs should be
Shai Hulud - Faithless Is He Who Says Farewell When The Road Darkens
Frank Turner - The Ballad Of Me And My Friends
Chuck Ragan - California Burritos
(these songs my change, if you would have asked me a couple of years ago I would have said Green Day - Good Riddance and Rancid - GGF)
* although I own the CDs by most of these artists you can only find this song on the James Browns Funky People Part 2 CD in the various artists section of my collection
- fond on the Your Scene Sucks compilation
+ if I haven't bought this CD before I die, you can find it on my iPod
After the service there should be a wake with an all Vegan buffet, I've been to enough wakes where there was fuck all for me to eat I don't want there to be anything no one else can eat at mine.
I would like to be cremated and have my ashes thrown at some right wing hate group (The BNP, the Countryside Alliance, Pro-Lifers protesting outside of family planning clinics).
Peace, I'm out.
In the unlikely and untimely event of my death my three best friends; Steve Barnard, Matt Mills and Chris Beer should be contacted as they would know who else to invite to my funeral (their numbers can be found on my phone), these people also get first dibs on my record collection, any disputes over who wants the same CD/vinyl/demo cassette should be resolved by Rock Paper Scissors (best of three), whatever's left, along with my other worldly possessions should be donated to charity except if they hold sentimental value to my parents.
Should I still be drug and alcohol free I would like the words TRUExTILxDEATHx either on a banner or etched into the wood on my coffin with a Stanley knife, maybe even X's drawn in marker pen on my hands with my arms folded in an X over my chest (too much?). No priests should be present and I can't stress this enough NO JESUS IN MY FUNERAL SERVICE, no prayers, no hymns, no bible passages, instead I would like an open mic where anyone could get up a tell funny stories about me (no downers please), whoever makes the opening statements should include the following.
"James had no religious beliefsat all, having dabbled with Nihilism in his teens but later getting into Straight Edge and Veganism in his early twenties he shocked himself that he had a belief system again. A devout Agnostic and Misanthrope, he believed that if there was some form of creator then humanity is basically and science experiment that went very wrong"
There should then follow a party with at least an hour of music in the church (should people choose to bring drinks for before, during and after the service is completely up to them).
The first two songs should be
Eels - Last Stop: This Town
Rancid - Burn
There should be songs to make people laugh:
Bad Religion - Better Off Dead
Danzig - Tired Of Being Alive
The Stooges - Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell
The Vandals - Flowers Are Pretty
The Singing Loins - Be Merry +
Songs that are horribly inappropriate:
James Brown - Say It Loud - I'm Black And I'm Proud
Deicide - Bastards Of Christ
Bobby Byrd - I Know You Got Soul *
Toxic Narcotic - People Suck -
The last three songs should be
Shai Hulud - Faithless Is He Who Says Farewell When The Road Darkens
Frank Turner - The Ballad Of Me And My Friends
Chuck Ragan - California Burritos
(these songs my change, if you would have asked me a couple of years ago I would have said Green Day - Good Riddance and Rancid - GGF)
* although I own the CDs by most of these artists you can only find this song on the James Browns Funky People Part 2 CD in the various artists section of my collection
- fond on the Your Scene Sucks compilation
+ if I haven't bought this CD before I die, you can find it on my iPod
After the service there should be a wake with an all Vegan buffet, I've been to enough wakes where there was fuck all for me to eat I don't want there to be anything no one else can eat at mine.
I would like to be cremated and have my ashes thrown at some right wing hate group (The BNP, the Countryside Alliance, Pro-Lifers protesting outside of family planning clinics).
Peace, I'm out.