xchaosx

I'm having a lot of problems this morning. Mostly, I want to just crawl back under my covers and die. I didn't sleep at all last night. My eyes will hardly stay open. Of course, last night was enough to exhaust anyone.

I'm finding out things that have been kept from me, and that's never fun. So, Duke and I are still split... I'm not happy. But at the same time, maybe we can both get through the stressors in our lives and move on happily. It'd be nice to see that happen and us be able to move on happily together. But I just don't know how realistic that is.

I've found out who my friends are... at least on that side of life: Nate, his fiancee April, Brandon, and his wife Krystal. That's better than none, by far, and at least I've weeded out the irritants.

Ben, Brad, and Tarah showed up at the studio, trying to start shit with me. Ben got his turn to yell at me and try to bully me. I think it pissed him off more that I wasn't losing my calm while he ranted and bitched at me. Hopefully it shook him up that I refuse to back down from a hot-headed blowhard like he is. I refuse to lose my temper over those jerks. I nearly did, but that would've been a mistake because Ben isn't a small guy and he was more than ready to hit me last night. But by the looks of it, Nate was ready to snatch him up by the collar and change his outlook on life, had he tried to grab me. But Duke showed up and Ben backed off from me - he's just not ready to accept that Duke doesn't want his advice or his friendship anymore. It was for the best, though, that he backed off. My temper was beginning to tip the scales of my self control, although my most offensive statement was that Brad had already spoken for him the night before, so I really didn't need his lengthened recap. I don't like that pissed off calm mode that I seem to go into at times like that. Also, I don't like the possibility of getting my ass stomped for smacking that two-faced bastard. He does outweigh me by a good 150lbs.

I hope that they got it all out. I hope that the two of them said everything that they needed or wanted to say to me. Because thus far, they're both just making themselves seem like pouting children and bullies. I don't need to do anything and that is my form of revenge. Passivity. They can rant and rave and try to provoke me as much as they please. Last night, my voice never went above a calm level. I never raised my hands in any other than a sign of resignation. I'm through even worrying about some fucking drunk dramaqueen moocher. I don't need friends like that, so why would I bother alienating the friends that I do have by screaming back at them and losing just as much control of myself as they do. I'm a bigger person than that.

And Tarah... poor girl. She had the nerve to call me up and act all concerned, then pointing out that Duke and I just need to split up because we make each other miserable, yada yada yada... then she shows up at the studio, where Duke and I are wanting to talk about some things, and acts like everythings ducky and who wants to go bowling? Go take your crazy pills and leave me the hell out of your drama. She arrived with Ben and Brad, providing just the right amount of provocation to get them all riled up and ready for my blood. Fucking cunt. I had just finished telling her that I didn't want anyone else involved in my relationship with Duke, except for me and Duke, and she just apparently didn't hear it. "La, la, la... I give you mad props for being a single mother and taking great care of your kids, but you have to consider them and you and Duke can't be fighting like that in front of.... blah blah fuckin blah..." I'm a smart girl -- smarter than most, actually, and I know what is best for my kids. Duke and I do not fight in front of my kids. I try to isolate them from unneeded negatives, like any parent would. Some screwed up headcase that can't decide if she wants to befriend me or watch other crusify me does not need to be doling out advice on raising two children that she doesn't know from Adam's house cat. She is what I like to call a classic 'shit-disturber.'

But it's all good. I'm not sure if this is what Duke had in mind, but I told him that I would still be his friend and that we wouldn't completely give up. I don't know exactly what to do, but I do know that if the Three Mouseketeers from Hell would take a hike, we'd be able to get through a lot. I know that he's fed up with the way that they're acting towards me... and the stress that it's causing everyone.

So my vengeance against the goons doesn't even have to be mine. All that you need to do with some people is to give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves. Figuratively, I see Brad dangling already and Ben just leapt right along behind him like a faithful pet. With their behavior, they'll be gone soon enough. No one, no matter how neutral they say that they are, is going to listen to a bunch of apparent drama queens who just come around to start shit.

I just hope they realize that I'm going to be around Duke whenever I please. I'm going to be his best friend and still help him with things in his life. I still love him as much as I know how to love. And if we can work things out, on an eventual basis and after we've culled some of the drama, so it goes... I do love him, with all of my heart, and maybe that will be strong enough to help us through the rough times. But I won't be bullied and he's going to keep his boys in check or tell them to fuck off. I'm not deciding on their relationship. It's not my place. But I won't tolerate their stupidity and I don't back down from anyone, much less a handful of butt-hurt loonies.

I just know that we're not doing either of us any good with constant strife surrounding the relationship. Maybe taking a step back is what we need... it could change our perspectives entirely and things could be coming up roses after a while.

We'll see. I just can't cry over it anymore. It still hurts too bad.