Dear Valentine:
You don’t work often, and when you do, you don’t work well. That’s not to say you don’t work hard, which we appreciate. The main reason for your troubles at work is drive and scheduling; drive we can leave up to a joke- you don’t have a license and stayed off the road for 10 years with one. Scheduling is a matter of navigating not the daily but more so all encompassing chaos that pervades every aspect of your life. It takes great will, and drive … to bend the world into a shape that makes sense. You’ve done this before. It ended up bent. For the most part you do what you can to keep the chaos from strangling you in your sleep but sometimes wake up feeling a little choked. We’ll skip the sharper jokes for sharper folks who probably don’t find sharp objects a joke. Never-mind banging noises. Though we’ve seen you make some pretty loud ones and laugh (everyone’s allowed two on purpose once) speaking of two on purpose at once, you prefer to nestle in the soul body mind sucking arms of chaos and drift through life, medicated of course…. Which makes the whole endeavour make some sort of twisted disease ridden sense. But sometimes the medication doesn’t work. So you have to let chaos play a poker card. It hasn’t always been bad, sometimes chaos doesn’t pay attention and his medication leaves room for drugs , and you’re not supposed to do drugs. Because the drugs are past fun and fuck with your meds… they’ve put several of your friends underground and in hospital beds. But you can’t lie three out of six? Two out of 10? Fun times i with only a large bill and a headache to begin again. So we’re here to tell you that we don’t care. You started a bathtub after eating a large square, 4 hits of acid 9? Fuck does it matter? We’re about to double barrel a 5 inch multicoloured line. Might as well eat the coke like a snow cone. Your nose won’t absorb shit after I guess what we’ll call methoxylisdexdopadrone. You down it with a smoothie, health conscious of course … strawberries berries cherries and a hint of psychadelic intercourse!
You stumble to the kitchen breaking all of your toes, your doped dumb-ass can’t keep his feet straight or eyes open and punches at bad guys enemies and foes! There it is! Precious can of tuna and butcher knife because fuck a can opener (she really would like to , especially if you used that as an opener). You slam down the blade as hard as you can, splitting that tough tuna filled can. Who the fuck ordered ketchup and where are my fingers. I don’t give a shit I’ve got a bath I’ve timed with two fingers. You stumble with your can(s) and bloody kitchen knife, fall into the tub pierce your rib, and have fucked the knife. That’s not much compared to the scalding hot water, you barely feel the puncture as your skin grows hotter. Your head smashes the faucet and bleeds from the temple, and we float around you comfortingly as you pass into the core of your temple.
Really all of this is just a long drawn out love letter; we don’t care if you skip
Work, mix meds… or do all the drugs at once. We just want to both get into hot bubbly water with you at once. Knife can come too, but we’re sure she’s a killer… we’re just two basic bitches a container and filler. Sincerely : Two-Na ‘n’ Can. P.s. and knife , who should be can opener or at the least screw-driver.
Remember kids, if your date wants to try drugs on this valentines, keep it simple and stay away from stuff that comes in lines. Try a viagra, or maybe two. I think at worst you’ll have a purple dick and a face that’s blue. By the way I haven’t been endorsed by viagra in any way, nor has my endorsement been endorsed by anything unnatural except I guess what some whores call parlay.
So happy Valentine’s Day Tav , you’re the best! No one fucks inanimate objects quite like you. Most settle for play toys or stuff you buy at the store. You punch yourself in the dick and call it a whore. No one’s quite as passionate as you… willing to get super high and commit suicide if it meant cumming in someone’s shoe. Sadly this scenario probably won’t even get you hard… so just open the tuna and eat it retard.
