To the Pirates, from the Cowboys
by Christian McNeil
The Cowboys
500 Fountainview Plaza
Suite #610
Ward, Texas
The Pirates
General Delivery
Port Lafayette, Virgin Gorda
Dear Pirates,
This town isnt big enough for the both of us.
And by this town, we mean the retro-childish zone of American popular culture.
We dont like the way youre encroaching on our traditional dominance in Halloween costumes and summer blockbusters. And the way you underbid us for the endorsement contract with Pepsi was nothing but low-down and dirty.
Heres another thing: who gave you license to dress the way you do? The frilly shirts, the makeupit all seems a little bit gay. And dont try to say the same thing about our tight jeans. You need tight jeans for horse wranglin, and you dont need frilly shirts for nothing. Except to get more attention for all your flamboyant, in-your-face lifestyles. Frankly, we think its disgraceful.
Were tolerant, peace-loving folks. Everyone agrees were the good guys. Everyone except those effete revisionist historians- and youd just better not be behind them, either. But youd have to be damned fools to think you could just keep on testing the limits of our enlightened acceptance without facing any consequences. Yall crossed the line long ago and, pirates, youre making it difficult for us to coexist peacefully.
Well give you a choice: First choice, you face the cowboys at high noon on Main Street next Wednesday. We feel its only fair to remind you that your ridiculous hooks will be no match for the cowboys lightning-quick draws. Second choice, you can quit peacefully and settle down in the trailer park weve prepared for you at the pirate reservation. You might not have much dignity there, but at least youll be alive.
Dont call us your mateys, either, because were not.
Yalls sincerely,
The Cowboys
by Christian McNeil
The Cowboys
500 Fountainview Plaza
Suite #610
Ward, Texas
The Pirates
General Delivery
Port Lafayette, Virgin Gorda
Dear Pirates,
This town isnt big enough for the both of us.
And by this town, we mean the retro-childish zone of American popular culture.
We dont like the way youre encroaching on our traditional dominance in Halloween costumes and summer blockbusters. And the way you underbid us for the endorsement contract with Pepsi was nothing but low-down and dirty.
Heres another thing: who gave you license to dress the way you do? The frilly shirts, the makeupit all seems a little bit gay. And dont try to say the same thing about our tight jeans. You need tight jeans for horse wranglin, and you dont need frilly shirts for nothing. Except to get more attention for all your flamboyant, in-your-face lifestyles. Frankly, we think its disgraceful.
Were tolerant, peace-loving folks. Everyone agrees were the good guys. Everyone except those effete revisionist historians- and youd just better not be behind them, either. But youd have to be damned fools to think you could just keep on testing the limits of our enlightened acceptance without facing any consequences. Yall crossed the line long ago and, pirates, youre making it difficult for us to coexist peacefully.
Well give you a choice: First choice, you face the cowboys at high noon on Main Street next Wednesday. We feel its only fair to remind you that your ridiculous hooks will be no match for the cowboys lightning-quick draws. Second choice, you can quit peacefully and settle down in the trailer park weve prepared for you at the pirate reservation. You might not have much dignity there, but at least youll be alive.
Dont call us your mateys, either, because were not.
Yalls sincerely,
The Cowboys
cowboys have better asses. they wear wranglers and levi's. mmmm...