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So after realizing that my social life is non-existant, and my love life is well, pure fantasy, I decided to try something a bit different. I decided to attempt going through the personals.

Wow...just...wow

First off let's explore the personals out there. I decided to give Yahoo a shot, because I'm on Yahoo most of the day anyway.

They ask you a bunch of questions and then ask you to describe yourself and your ideal match. Hmm I'm supposed to be trying to sell myself here (god I feel like a whore) and I'm the king of self-deprecating humor, way to go..

You are then told to fill in the same basic questions for what you are looking for in a partner..."Hmm okay, I'm looking for a non-smoking, non-drinking, no kids, nymphomaniac, redheaded, doctoral candidate" (Hey might as well aim high right? Aim for the stars and you'll at least get the moon right?).

You're then given a list of people that match exactly NONE of the properties you listed.
"Hmm, blonde, three kids, smokes like a chimney, and drinks like a fish, but she got her G.E.D...last week" I double checked, the search did ask for the qualities you do want...not the qualities you don't. Ouch.

So then you have to go through the hell of reading all of these things, and weeding out all the psychopaths and a few of the sociopaths. AH and then there's the porn bots. you can always tell the porn bots:

They have no restrictions on the guys they want to meet,
they list sex as a hobby,
their profile picture looks like it was taken by a professional at Penthouse.

The porn bots job is very clear: Make you think you are asking out the most beautiful woman alive, so you'll spend 20bucks a minute masturbating to a guy typing on the other end named Dave that says his name is "Candy"....

A few thoughts and musings:


There are way too many women out there saying they are Juliet and want to meet their Romeo. SO you want someone that your parents are going to hate, you want them to kill your cousin, and then stab themselves when you dose yourself with NyQuil. Wow hon, uh, I'm looking for a girlfriend...not a suicide pact. NEXT.

"I'm tired of the bad boys, I want a nice guy," For a couple of weeks anyway, while his lawyer gets him off for running over those nuns with an insanity plea...

"I'm tired of the bar/club seen" seen what? oh right that's scene

and here's what the rest of the ads read for headlines:
sweet girl seeking
nice girl seeking
sweet girl seeking
nice girl seeking
good girl seeking...

Tell you what...I'm going to answer the one marked "Stone hearted bitch" just because she's at least SOMEWHAT original

Free Personals! Yeah, they lie. Here's the deal. you can advertise yourself for free. Should you ever want to make contact with another human being you have two options:

A) You can send what they call an "icebreaker" which is generally a line that makes you sound like some form of lounge lizard (i.e. "Say did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" Dear....GOD...who actually believes this crap)

or

B) Once you have found the ONE person out there that doesn't terrify you, you can e-mail them. But wait! that's gonna cost you twenty bucks for thirty days. So that gives you another train of thought altogether:

1) You can email the ONE person, and pray to whatever deity you believe in they'll respond positively.

2)You can do the college panic thing...( you remember that one? Apply to every college you can just in case the one you really wanted to go to turned you down)

3) You can send the lounge lizard icebreaker, and pray she's got a sense of humor about the whole thing.

4) Or you could just do nothing and see what happens if you leave your ad up, if anyone is loony enough to pay the $20 to email you.

Any of the first three give you a shot, well I think it gives you a shot anyway..like 30-60-10...



Shoot me now