it's weird to not have a social circle of people. i never have. i don't know why it's suddenly weird when it hasn't really been front of mind ever before.
it's just that everyone that i know and care about, they are part of a totally different group of people. i don't have my own gang of fools, i just hang out with people as they momentarily leave their social group or as i visit them within that group.and at the same time, i push people away sometimes. from getting too close to me, from starting what would become that circle of closeness and friendship.
also i have this awful engraved longing to have what i can't. or go after the most difficult situation where i am pretty much destined for failure. in hope of overcoming or being good enough. for validation of my worth.and i shouldn't. it's not healthy and i'm just shooting myself in the foot.i've done it all my life. more often than not i've gotten what i wanted, but not always and never entirely. i always have to settle.
how can i be content in solitude when i've spent my whole life avoiding ever being alone?and how can i not be alone when i don't have my own 'group' of friends? everyone has other people. and i'm going through this stupid headtrip where i'm alone and it sucks. i can't move on past that fact. i hate how i can logically see something i do as stupid but emotionally feel justified.
i am incredibly in touch with my feelings. i feel everything. i can express my feelings clearly and with conviction. i could write a daily essay on how i felt if i had the time.complete with a thesis and everything. i always considered this to be normal. i'm slowly learning that it's really not normal. and in some situations it's awful. it complicates my brain and maybe even freaks people out, i'm not entirely sure.
i'm self aware of my emotions to the point of where if i'm feeling something, i want to express it. happiness, anger, sexuality, frustration, i don't like to filter my feelings. is that inappropriate?
and when i don't know, i turn to other people for advice and expect them to be just as in touch with their emotions as me. and that's where things get messy.
how am i supposed to be, if not myself?
the answer, if i had to guess, is to relax, chill, don't get worked up and don't over think things so much. but it's really a huge challenge and much easier said than done. how do i numb down my feelings? do i even want to? is that healthy? i though being passionate was a gift. lately it doesn't feel that way.
it's just that everyone that i know and care about, they are part of a totally different group of people. i don't have my own gang of fools, i just hang out with people as they momentarily leave their social group or as i visit them within that group.and at the same time, i push people away sometimes. from getting too close to me, from starting what would become that circle of closeness and friendship.
also i have this awful engraved longing to have what i can't. or go after the most difficult situation where i am pretty much destined for failure. in hope of overcoming or being good enough. for validation of my worth.and i shouldn't. it's not healthy and i'm just shooting myself in the foot.i've done it all my life. more often than not i've gotten what i wanted, but not always and never entirely. i always have to settle.
how can i be content in solitude when i've spent my whole life avoiding ever being alone?and how can i not be alone when i don't have my own 'group' of friends? everyone has other people. and i'm going through this stupid headtrip where i'm alone and it sucks. i can't move on past that fact. i hate how i can logically see something i do as stupid but emotionally feel justified.
i am incredibly in touch with my feelings. i feel everything. i can express my feelings clearly and with conviction. i could write a daily essay on how i felt if i had the time.complete with a thesis and everything. i always considered this to be normal. i'm slowly learning that it's really not normal. and in some situations it's awful. it complicates my brain and maybe even freaks people out, i'm not entirely sure.
i'm self aware of my emotions to the point of where if i'm feeling something, i want to express it. happiness, anger, sexuality, frustration, i don't like to filter my feelings. is that inappropriate?
and when i don't know, i turn to other people for advice and expect them to be just as in touch with their emotions as me. and that's where things get messy.
how am i supposed to be, if not myself?
the answer, if i had to guess, is to relax, chill, don't get worked up and don't over think things so much. but it's really a huge challenge and much easier said than done. how do i numb down my feelings? do i even want to? is that healthy? i though being passionate was a gift. lately it doesn't feel that way.
mexicant:
Hey there yourself. 