xabluestarx

right now i have this inner struggle.
i REALLY REALLY want to go out. and have fun. and feel good. maybe even get hit on. or something.
but god damn. i think about it all the time, then here i am.
it's saturday night. i got off work, i took an amazing shower and put on my makeup and everything. and now? i'm sitting.

if i leave, and he comes home, and i'm not here.. what if he brings her over? what if i miss some life changing moment to spend time with him? what if what if what if? and yes, yes, i know. it's a joke. i spent almost three years waiting for that life changing moment, and i can't do jack about her coming over since it's not something in my control. but still. these thoughts go in my head over and over and they drag me down. they kill my motivation. they make me nauseous. and self conscious.

rationally now. i realize it doesn't matter what i do. it's not going to change what has happened, it is not going to make things better. it's not going to change him which is ultimately where the problem lies. not me. i mean, generally speaking anyway.
if anything, maybe me leaving him and not clinging on to the time with him will make him understand he's not my everything. make ME understand. maybe i'd actually have fun? that's interesting. maybe me leaving would make him miss me? maybe?
see. then it goes make to unrational. i can't make my mind understand that he is NOT WHAT I NEED.
needing and wanting are different yet equally stupid things.

this is very very challenging. it's hard and frustrating to feel one thing yet know another thing. and they don't even add up. and that's not so cool.
i don't have answers for myself. i don't think i need answers. even though i really really want them.

i don't know what else to say right now.