CONFESSIONS OF
THE WORLDS MOST
FAMOUS FAN
As close as youll get to a face to face
with writer
*********JT LeRoy************************
You havent been shy about revealing your own fandom. Youve reached out to a lot of writers to let them know how much you love their work. When did you start doing that?
JT LeROY: My therapist, who got me started writing, had an upstairs neighbor who was an editor. I met him and we discussed books and I told him that the poetry of Sharon Olds was the only poetry I could make sense of and that I loved it. This editor happened to be friends with Sharon and told me, Well, I told her everything you said and she wants you to write her. I did, and she wrote me back.
That was the first time you wrote to
another writer as a fan?
Yeah, then we started writing back and forth. This was 10 years ago. I was addicted after that. I was like, My God, you can write to these people? It was like writing to Santa Claus and Santa actually writes back! So I went to the library and found out how you contact writers: you send a letter to their agent or publisherthere was this book in the library that said who those people were.
When you published Sarah, you put your e-mail address in the back so people could contact you
It meant so much to me to have that communication. I answered every e-mail for almost two years until it got to be too much. But the idea that someone would write to me and not hear back was just painful to me. Then I found that there are a lot of people who get angry if you dont write backthey decide that you think that youre too good for them. And that turns into rage. Then you realize that love and hate are intertwinedthat the impulse to worship you is often one step removed from wanting to tear you down. At first its adulation; then you do something wrong in their eyes and they want to fucking kill you.
Have you ever felt unsafe, like at your readings?
When I did my book tour in Italy, I needed a police escort to get around. Id never experienced anything like that.
What was the crowd like?
People staring and handing me stuff, which is really nice. But theres also this way, like, they just want to touch you. Its a very fine line: Im very honored by it, but at the same time its overwhelming and terrifying. When youre a writer its not like you sit at home and dream of audiences applauding the way an actor does.
A lot of your fans, and certainly the press, are fascinated by your attachments to celebritiesrock and pop stars in particular.
You know, Im very much into music, but I guess theres this real line drawn between literary people and musicians. You dont see a lot of writers hanging out with musicians, you know? Someone even told me, If you want to be taken seriously, stop hanging out with rock-and-roll musicians. But music is as important to me as books are. I grew up with my mother constantly playing music. Punk rock was a big part of my growing up. And the access to those peoplelike, if my mother liked a musician, she would go out and find him after a show and fuck him, you know? Im just realizing this as I talk: I grew up with this idea that musicians were approachable. But there was also this idea that you had to give them something.
And so youve sent musicians your books.
Like with Billy Corgan [the former lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins, now lead singer of the band Zwan], I always felt that he would understand, that he would get my writing. You know, I think a lot of artists are supertasters.
What do you mean?
You know, scientists have found that there are people who have more taste buds, or more-attuned taste buds. An average person can eat a piece of cake, and go, Ooh, that was good. But a supertaster senses all those flavors that others cant even imagine. So I feel artists are like that: theyre like supertasters with art. A lot of people will read a book and know its good, but supertasters will read between the lines and get this other stuff thats the high-frequency stuff. And it gets really lonely unless you can communicate with other people that have that same pitch hearing, you know? I think thats why a lot of artists hang out with other artists.
So your fandom of other writers and musicians had to do with wanting to potentially form relationships with like-minded people
And I got addicted to it.
Then, at the same time, answering all those e-mails those first couple of years, you wanted to bond with non-supertasters, too. Average readersyour fans.
I think the more you can break down the walls, the better, but its hard, because no matter what, no matter how hard you try to say to people, Look, Im just a human being like you, there are people who just have this kind of dazzle in their eyes. And then there are people who get really mad that you dont make yourself theirs completely. Like, when I was in Milan, I did this reading, and there was this wall of paparazzi in front of the people who were there to hear the reading, and I was like, Fuck this. I thought, well, What would Andy Warhol do? What would the Sex Pistols do? What would I do? So I climbed under the table to read.
With a microphone?
Yeah, I took a microphone. All these paparazzi were there, holding their cameras, ready to shootbut theyre pissed because they have to listen. Theres this whole proprietorship that people feel about people in the public eye. But I like not being seen. I like being able to walk outside and not be recognized. Ive been with, like, Winona Ryder in publicpeople chase you down the street, and you get stared at.
That's why you're never photographed without a wig and glasses?
I like the anonymity in general. I guess an actor or an actress has the anonymity of thinking, Oh, they dont really know me, they just know the roles that I play. But when youre a writer, its like your essence comes through. Ive had people say some inappropriate shit to meright from my books. And I dont want that thrown in my face. If youre paranoid anyway, and that gets compounded by people actually knowing intimate stuff about you, its pretty scary.
JT, youre this total paradox, because you gravitate toward famous cultural figureswriters, musicians, actorsand your name has become a staple of the gossip pages of newspapers, but you cant stand the idea of being recognized.
I know. I mean, I think some people are made for it and some people really thrive on it. But Im not, I dont. [The director] John Waters said to me, The most un-American thing you can do is reject fame. And I think if you dont play out that fantasy the way people imagine you should, they get really mad at you: Okay, do you want fame or not? With me, I dont completely reject it, but I dont play it the way youre supposed to. Its like, you cant give me enough fame. Its like an alcoholic: one drink is too much and a million isnt enough. I know that no amount of attention will ever fill my need for attention. And so I stay away from it because it cannot fill me, it cannot fix me. Ive proven again and again, I cannot handle it. So I do it in a dose I can handle.
Whats the worst kind of fan?
A lot of people just feel that they dont have any artistic gift to give and they wish they did. Its those people who are like a moth to the flame. They need to be around fame. I think theyre probably artistic, creative people at some level, but they just dont know how to express it, so they go for the lowest denominator: theyll offer drugs. Theyll think, Oh, this person uses drugs, or theyve had a drug or alcohol problem, theyll want to party with me.
Fans offer you drugs?
Yeah. I cant tell you how many people I meetand even though Ive talked about my drug issues, theyll come up and offer me drugs, or sex. Its like they want to have a connection, but feel like they dont have anything else within themselves to offer.
That happens a lot to you?
I see it again and again and again. I think so many people are so separated from their artistic selves. I cant tell you how many folks have said to me, I dont have an artistic bone in my body. They just throw it off casually. I think people really crave having a voice, so they fetishize people who have found a way to have a voice. Art is powerful and it moves us. To me, artists are the face of God. Im very moved by artists who have mastered their craft or are on a creative pathbut I think society has confused artistry with anyone who has found a way to get their voice heard.
No matter whats being said.
Yeah, no matter what that voice is saying.
And you?
THE WORLDS MOST
FAMOUS FAN
As close as youll get to a face to face
with writer
*********JT LeRoy************************
You havent been shy about revealing your own fandom. Youve reached out to a lot of writers to let them know how much you love their work. When did you start doing that?
JT LeROY: My therapist, who got me started writing, had an upstairs neighbor who was an editor. I met him and we discussed books and I told him that the poetry of Sharon Olds was the only poetry I could make sense of and that I loved it. This editor happened to be friends with Sharon and told me, Well, I told her everything you said and she wants you to write her. I did, and she wrote me back.
That was the first time you wrote to
another writer as a fan?
Yeah, then we started writing back and forth. This was 10 years ago. I was addicted after that. I was like, My God, you can write to these people? It was like writing to Santa Claus and Santa actually writes back! So I went to the library and found out how you contact writers: you send a letter to their agent or publisherthere was this book in the library that said who those people were.
When you published Sarah, you put your e-mail address in the back so people could contact you
It meant so much to me to have that communication. I answered every e-mail for almost two years until it got to be too much. But the idea that someone would write to me and not hear back was just painful to me. Then I found that there are a lot of people who get angry if you dont write backthey decide that you think that youre too good for them. And that turns into rage. Then you realize that love and hate are intertwinedthat the impulse to worship you is often one step removed from wanting to tear you down. At first its adulation; then you do something wrong in their eyes and they want to fucking kill you.
Have you ever felt unsafe, like at your readings?
When I did my book tour in Italy, I needed a police escort to get around. Id never experienced anything like that.
What was the crowd like?
People staring and handing me stuff, which is really nice. But theres also this way, like, they just want to touch you. Its a very fine line: Im very honored by it, but at the same time its overwhelming and terrifying. When youre a writer its not like you sit at home and dream of audiences applauding the way an actor does.
A lot of your fans, and certainly the press, are fascinated by your attachments to celebritiesrock and pop stars in particular.
You know, Im very much into music, but I guess theres this real line drawn between literary people and musicians. You dont see a lot of writers hanging out with musicians, you know? Someone even told me, If you want to be taken seriously, stop hanging out with rock-and-roll musicians. But music is as important to me as books are. I grew up with my mother constantly playing music. Punk rock was a big part of my growing up. And the access to those peoplelike, if my mother liked a musician, she would go out and find him after a show and fuck him, you know? Im just realizing this as I talk: I grew up with this idea that musicians were approachable. But there was also this idea that you had to give them something.
And so youve sent musicians your books.
Like with Billy Corgan [the former lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins, now lead singer of the band Zwan], I always felt that he would understand, that he would get my writing. You know, I think a lot of artists are supertasters.
What do you mean?
You know, scientists have found that there are people who have more taste buds, or more-attuned taste buds. An average person can eat a piece of cake, and go, Ooh, that was good. But a supertaster senses all those flavors that others cant even imagine. So I feel artists are like that: theyre like supertasters with art. A lot of people will read a book and know its good, but supertasters will read between the lines and get this other stuff thats the high-frequency stuff. And it gets really lonely unless you can communicate with other people that have that same pitch hearing, you know? I think thats why a lot of artists hang out with other artists.
So your fandom of other writers and musicians had to do with wanting to potentially form relationships with like-minded people
And I got addicted to it.
Then, at the same time, answering all those e-mails those first couple of years, you wanted to bond with non-supertasters, too. Average readersyour fans.
I think the more you can break down the walls, the better, but its hard, because no matter what, no matter how hard you try to say to people, Look, Im just a human being like you, there are people who just have this kind of dazzle in their eyes. And then there are people who get really mad that you dont make yourself theirs completely. Like, when I was in Milan, I did this reading, and there was this wall of paparazzi in front of the people who were there to hear the reading, and I was like, Fuck this. I thought, well, What would Andy Warhol do? What would the Sex Pistols do? What would I do? So I climbed under the table to read.
With a microphone?
Yeah, I took a microphone. All these paparazzi were there, holding their cameras, ready to shootbut theyre pissed because they have to listen. Theres this whole proprietorship that people feel about people in the public eye. But I like not being seen. I like being able to walk outside and not be recognized. Ive been with, like, Winona Ryder in publicpeople chase you down the street, and you get stared at.
That's why you're never photographed without a wig and glasses?
I like the anonymity in general. I guess an actor or an actress has the anonymity of thinking, Oh, they dont really know me, they just know the roles that I play. But when youre a writer, its like your essence comes through. Ive had people say some inappropriate shit to meright from my books. And I dont want that thrown in my face. If youre paranoid anyway, and that gets compounded by people actually knowing intimate stuff about you, its pretty scary.
JT, youre this total paradox, because you gravitate toward famous cultural figureswriters, musicians, actorsand your name has become a staple of the gossip pages of newspapers, but you cant stand the idea of being recognized.
I know. I mean, I think some people are made for it and some people really thrive on it. But Im not, I dont. [The director] John Waters said to me, The most un-American thing you can do is reject fame. And I think if you dont play out that fantasy the way people imagine you should, they get really mad at you: Okay, do you want fame or not? With me, I dont completely reject it, but I dont play it the way youre supposed to. Its like, you cant give me enough fame. Its like an alcoholic: one drink is too much and a million isnt enough. I know that no amount of attention will ever fill my need for attention. And so I stay away from it because it cannot fill me, it cannot fix me. Ive proven again and again, I cannot handle it. So I do it in a dose I can handle.
Whats the worst kind of fan?
A lot of people just feel that they dont have any artistic gift to give and they wish they did. Its those people who are like a moth to the flame. They need to be around fame. I think theyre probably artistic, creative people at some level, but they just dont know how to express it, so they go for the lowest denominator: theyll offer drugs. Theyll think, Oh, this person uses drugs, or theyve had a drug or alcohol problem, theyll want to party with me.
Fans offer you drugs?
Yeah. I cant tell you how many people I meetand even though Ive talked about my drug issues, theyll come up and offer me drugs, or sex. Its like they want to have a connection, but feel like they dont have anything else within themselves to offer.
That happens a lot to you?
I see it again and again and again. I think so many people are so separated from their artistic selves. I cant tell you how many folks have said to me, I dont have an artistic bone in my body. They just throw it off casually. I think people really crave having a voice, so they fetishize people who have found a way to have a voice. Art is powerful and it moves us. To me, artists are the face of God. Im very moved by artists who have mastered their craft or are on a creative pathbut I think society has confused artistry with anyone who has found a way to get their voice heard.
No matter whats being said.
Yeah, no matter what that voice is saying.
And you?