September 23rd is a week away. It will mark the anniversary of the worst day of my life. On that date four years ago, my beautiful Annette, the love of my life, passed away. I thought I might take it better than I have in the past. After all, on Mother's Day, I clebrated her life instead of mourning her death. On her birthday, I spent a few days posting fond reminiscences of our marriage.
I knew that next week was going to be the really rough one. I was hoping I could deal with it a lot better than I did the past three years. I only wish that were true. The fact is, that i'm wracked with guilt. I'll try to explain and hope it makes some sense to at least some of you.
As many of you know, I have always had a passion for BDSM. I also mentioned that Annette wasn't into it, so I put my thoughts of it on the back burner during our marriage. The truth is that Annette wasn't just not into BDSM on any level, she felt it was sick and perverted.
While we had our normal disagreements during our almost 32 tears of marriage, nothing compared to the major blowup we had when she found a very graphic BDSM video in the VCR one time that I absent-mindedly forgot to take out after watching it while Annette was out of the house.
She was so upset that if her brother hadn't interceded, there's no telling what she would have done. As it was, she stayed at a friend's house for two nights. Fortunately, our daughters were both on their own, so they never had to hear about any of this. Thank goodness her brother sort of defended me by trying to convince Annette that it was no big deal and it didn't mean that I was some kind of pervert. So, it was a lot more than just Annette not caring for, or wanting to participate in BDSM. She had some extremely negative deep-rooted feelings about it.
Which brings me to the present. You may think i'm crazy, but I've been consumed by guilt, especially the last 24 hours or so. I'm going over the things i've been doing since early 2007, just 16 months after she died. I began a BDSM relationship with Lyrical, went to fetish clubs, joined SG, something else Annette would never have approved of, and put my reborn BDSM lifestyle out there for all to see and hear.
I must have praised Lyrical on my blogs and when corresponding with others both on SG and elsewhere hundreds of times. Most of you know what i'm talking about. It was Goddess this, and Goddess that. Lyrical this, and Lyrical that. I must have sounded like she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, including my marriage. Yet, the truth is that i'll probably do the same thing tomorrow because I do have good feelings toward her.
Even having said that, my passion and desire to participate in the BDSM lifestyle is as strong as ever, if not stronger. Just a few days ago, I joined a fetish website in the hope that I can meet like-minded people and maybe even find someone close to my age who had similar interests in the hope that we can cultivate an intimate relationship. I keep telling myself that my recent focus and even stronger feelings for BDSM are proof that my depression is lessening and i'm feeling a lot better emotionally. And you know what? It's true.
I can't help it. I feel like on some level I think of Annette's passing as somehow freeing me from the need to suppress my innermost sexual desires. Intelectually, I know that this is ridiculous. Yet, there's a part of me that sees some truth to it. Hence, the significant guilt. This is so fucked up.
I hope that posting this results in some sort of a catharsis. There's no other venue I would even consider posting this. I'm grateful that I feel able to do so here. I need to alleviate my guilt so badly. At least now I feel there's a chance for that to happen. At least I hope so.
Thank you all for listening. I can't properly express in words what you mean to me.
I knew that next week was going to be the really rough one. I was hoping I could deal with it a lot better than I did the past three years. I only wish that were true. The fact is, that i'm wracked with guilt. I'll try to explain and hope it makes some sense to at least some of you.
As many of you know, I have always had a passion for BDSM. I also mentioned that Annette wasn't into it, so I put my thoughts of it on the back burner during our marriage. The truth is that Annette wasn't just not into BDSM on any level, she felt it was sick and perverted.
While we had our normal disagreements during our almost 32 tears of marriage, nothing compared to the major blowup we had when she found a very graphic BDSM video in the VCR one time that I absent-mindedly forgot to take out after watching it while Annette was out of the house.
She was so upset that if her brother hadn't interceded, there's no telling what she would have done. As it was, she stayed at a friend's house for two nights. Fortunately, our daughters were both on their own, so they never had to hear about any of this. Thank goodness her brother sort of defended me by trying to convince Annette that it was no big deal and it didn't mean that I was some kind of pervert. So, it was a lot more than just Annette not caring for, or wanting to participate in BDSM. She had some extremely negative deep-rooted feelings about it.
Which brings me to the present. You may think i'm crazy, but I've been consumed by guilt, especially the last 24 hours or so. I'm going over the things i've been doing since early 2007, just 16 months after she died. I began a BDSM relationship with Lyrical, went to fetish clubs, joined SG, something else Annette would never have approved of, and put my reborn BDSM lifestyle out there for all to see and hear.
I must have praised Lyrical on my blogs and when corresponding with others both on SG and elsewhere hundreds of times. Most of you know what i'm talking about. It was Goddess this, and Goddess that. Lyrical this, and Lyrical that. I must have sounded like she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, including my marriage. Yet, the truth is that i'll probably do the same thing tomorrow because I do have good feelings toward her.
Even having said that, my passion and desire to participate in the BDSM lifestyle is as strong as ever, if not stronger. Just a few days ago, I joined a fetish website in the hope that I can meet like-minded people and maybe even find someone close to my age who had similar interests in the hope that we can cultivate an intimate relationship. I keep telling myself that my recent focus and even stronger feelings for BDSM are proof that my depression is lessening and i'm feeling a lot better emotionally. And you know what? It's true.
I can't help it. I feel like on some level I think of Annette's passing as somehow freeing me from the need to suppress my innermost sexual desires. Intelectually, I know that this is ridiculous. Yet, there's a part of me that sees some truth to it. Hence, the significant guilt. This is so fucked up.
I hope that posting this results in some sort of a catharsis. There's no other venue I would even consider posting this. I'm grateful that I feel able to do so here. I need to alleviate my guilt so badly. At least now I feel there's a chance for that to happen. At least I hope so.
Thank you all for listening. I can't properly express in words what you mean to me.
VIEW 17 of 17 COMMENTS
However, if we find our tastes are divergent from our partners, it does make us feel guilty. I feel somewhat guilty about being a member of SG, because my wife finds any form of pornography completely degrading. And yet, I have made such good friends here, some of them SGs. So, the point is, the guilt is projected onto us from outside, from someone else's viewpoint. We feel guilty, not because we think it is wrong, but because someone else that we care about does. But then again, if we didn't care about them and respect their feelings, it wouldn't happen. It's a mark of our empathy, I guess.
Don't forget also, although there are a few years between us, that we would have both been brought up in a much more puritan environment than exists these days (I certainly was anyway!). Our parents attitudes do shape our own, even if we ultimately reject them. And they will have shaped Annette's too.
Again, it is a mark of the strength and depth of your love for each other that you got past the event, but also that you do harbour guilty feelings. Transform that guilt into a loving memory for a woman that gave you so much; accept and enjoy who you are now.
I think we are social animals, aren't we? We have this illusion that we can cope on our own, but we're not really designed that way. And the negotiation and compromise that are necessary to build successful relationships are what develops us into proper caring human beings. Alone, we are 'trapped in the prison of our own freedom'.