wsoxfan

The more I think, the more I realize that I'm in a terrible place. I haven't had any human contact since Friday afternoon when I spoke with Gylien. (thank you so much for brightening up my day). My daughter is away for a week. Even if she wasn't, I can't always impose on her.

I have no money to spend on anything but the bare necessities, if that. I have no real friends anymore in my everyday life. My only friends are on SG. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I appreciate and love all of you, but it makes for a lonely existance on a day to day basis. I anticipate more of the same for the rest of the day. More loneliness, isolation and fear for my future.

I've sunk about as low as a person can sink in the past few months. If someone would have told me a year ago that I'd be where I am today, I would have laughed at them. Yet, here I am. My credit is totally down the drain, since I haven't been able to pay any of my charges for some time. I'm four months behind in my rent. My landlord has begun eviction proceedings. While It's unlikely that Id be evicted for a few more months, It will happen eventually the way things are going. Even if I found another place to live, I couldn't afford the rent. Also, If the prospective landlord were to run a credit check, I'd fail miserably.

Heather, my younger daughter, lives in a very small studio apartment. The only door inside is the bathroom door, so there's absolutely no privacy. Moving in with her would be impossible. As far as my other daughter in North CArolina is concerned. All I'm going to say is that moving there is not an option. I'd rather not go into it any further.

I've had an invoice sitting here from the cemetery where my mother is buried for the annual maintenance. It's due next week, but I have no way of paying it. I'm thinking of writing to them and asking to please continue maintaining her grave despite my inability to pay. This is another example of how far I've sunk.

I have my therapy session tomorrow. On Tuesday I begin this program that my therapist pointed me to. It's supposed to help with the transition back to work. I'm planning on participating, but I'm running out of time. I desperately need some income now. That's something that's not about to happen.

I've also thinking of a close friend of mine on SG. He told me that he had been trying to resolve some serious financial issues, without success. Since he told me this, he's disappeared from SG without any explanation. I'm conjuring up all kinds of morbid thoughts about what may have become of him. This only adds to my fears about my own future.

I know that this blog is in almost total contrast to my previous one. I wish I didn't feel the way I do today. It hurts me to expose my friends to such negativity. It's not that I want to sound negative, but the constant pressure I'm feeling is taking an ever increasing toll on me.