I don't know how much more I can take. I'm practically destitute. I haven't paid my January rent, and don't see how I'll be able to. I swallowed my pride a while back when things started on a downward spiral and applied to Social Services. I began receiving some benefits, so I'm not starving to death and can still get my medication and have access to health care. I'm getting a small rent supplement, but it covers only a sixth of my actual rent. I've been using my dwindling funds to pay my other bills. I'm at a point where I doubt that I can continue to do that anymore.

I stated in previous posts why I couldn't move in with Mae-Ann. Those reasons haven't changed. Neither Mae_Ann nor my children have the financial resources to help me in any meaningful way. I've tried to find some work. However, the gap between my last job and the present, combined with my age, the job market and my increasing depression make it unlikely, if not impossible when it comes to employment.

Something I've become fearful of has also come to pass. I've become increasingly physically ill. I have stomach pains and am having trouble digesting food. I have some medical tests scheduled over the next couple of weeks. I;d rather not speculate about what might be wrong with me. Whatever it is, it has everything to do with my increasing stress.

All of this is causing me to sink deeper into depression. I don't know what is going to do me in first, my lack of money, my physical problems, or my emotional problems. It's like I'm dealing with a "perfect storm" of disastrous circumstances.

While my loved ones are aware that I've fallen on hard times, they don't know the actual gravity of the situation. I can't stand the thought of burdening them with all of this. As much as I would like to, I can't logically expect anything to get better.

I have been debating whether to post this for most of the day. It's the most difficult thing I've ever revealed in a public forum. I hope I've done the right thing by doing so. Bearing my soul for all to see is not something I've ever done before until I joined SG.

I found out a little while ago that a friend of mine SocietyPliers passed away a few days ago. I'm devastated by the news. My heart goes out to his loved ones. Somehow this tragedy impacts even more on my own mortality.