wren

I am thinking of going back to school.

I have learned my lesson about paying thousands of dollars for something as nebulous as an arts degree (apologies to those of you with arts degrees). I want a degree that will get me a job. A REAL JOB. Not something vague and confusing. I love character design but am not counting on being able to do that for a living. I would rather go to school to learn to weld than go to school for art right now. It seems like a waste. I would love to make a living off of my art but I can't justify paying that much money to try and get there.

I need a degree that will give me a solid end goal. I want something that will be fulfilling. I want to help people, I want to feel like I am doing something good for the world and for our country even though I hate it sometimes. I was watching Oprah yesterday (shut up) and she had this guy on who is dying of pancreatic cancer. He didn't look like he was dying. He talked very frankly about living in the final stages of a cancer that will surely give him a very awful end, preparing things so that his wife and children will be able to go on without him, the things he was doing to help other people, to try to stay positive. And Oprah had this quote from Leonardo da Vinci:

And something just clicked in my brain. I have a great relationship, some good friends, a supportive family. But I am not using my life well AT ALL. What am I doing? I am almost 26, I feel like I'm completely wasting my time.

I am thinking of going to nursing school but I am afraid.

I am afraid I am not smart enough, not motivated enough. I am horrible at math, horrible at science. So horrible at math that I never got past pre-algebra with a passing grade, isn't that awful? I'm afraid that it would take me forever to reach a point where a nursing school would even accept me.

I have to do something. I have to do something to dig myself out of this pit of depression I have been in ever since my father died. I want to do something that would make him proud of me. I want to do something that will make everyone proud of me but I am so afraid of failure. I am afraid to start things because I am afraid that I will screw them up.

I want to do something good. Something that isn't a stupid, mindless, disposable job. I want to feel like I have done something valuable at the end of the day, so that when I go home for the night, even if I am dead tired and some horrible things have happened, even if people have pissed me off, I can feel like I made a difference. I want be able to go to sleep after a shitty day and still be able to tell myself "all of the effort I made to get here was worth it."