I love my family. I will now relay a few stories.
1. This is a story my brother told me about work:
"So I had to go in early to watch this Safety video. And since the TV is in the small office upstairs, we had to go in about ten people at a time. And as soon as the office door closed, I realized I had to fart. And I didn't know if it was gonna be silent or what, you know? So I'm standing there thinking, "Do I let it out slow and hope it's silent, or let it out quick in case it's loud and just get it over with?" and while I'm trying to decide, it creeps back up into my intestines. And I immediatly felt wrong, like I knew it was going to cause me problems later.
"So I'm standing there scanning boxes and my supervisor Jeff is next to me, and I tell him "Jeff, I'm gonna have to hand this off to you soon. Not now, but soon." and he said "Okay," because the guys I work with understand shit emergencies, you know? So Jeff is standing at the ready and after a few minutes I throw my scanner to him and say "I'll be right back!" and run to the bathroom.
"The bathroom only has two stalls, and when I got in there, there was already someone in the other one. And I knew by the shoes that it was this supervisor from upstairs that I don't like. I don't like him because he's a dickhead, and he doesn't like me because I'm a dickhead. So I'm sitting in there next to him and I hear him flush, and after a second I look over and realize he's still in there, but his shoes are facing the toilet. So instantly I know something's wrong. And I hear him go "Fucking shit." and then "Uhhh...head's up." and water starts pouring out of the toilet.
"I'm trying so hard not to laugh at this point, but I can't help it and these bursts of giggles come out. So I'm sitting there going "Hee hee hee!" trying to keep my boots out of the shitwater and he goes "Shut up, man!", but I can't stop giggling. By the time I was done he was still in the stall, mopping water up off of the floor. And of course, I told everyone."
2. I have this cousin named Nicholas who is about seventeen or so. He smokes. Everyone in the family knows this except for my grandmother. You know this is bad already, right? So my cousins and brothers and I are all sitting in the living room while my other relatives are cooking in the kitchen and sitting around in the dining room. My cousin's got this stepmother who is crazy and alcoholic and drinks pretty much continuously all day long. So dinner is almost ready and this is what we hear from the kitchen:
Grandma: Dinner is almost ready. Where's Nicholas?
Anita (the stepmom): Oh, outside smoking a cigarette.
Grandma: WHAT?!
*momentary silence*
Grandma: BRING THAT KID IN HERE. I'm going to WRING his NECK.
At which point my aunt vocalized something that we've all been thinking for years:
"Anita, you DUMBASS."
3. There were two roasters full of turkey this year, one white meat and one dark. The roaster full of dark was sitting in the corner of the kitchen and at one point, while making a circuit through the house, I stopped near the roaster and asked my brother under my breath "What smells like ass over here?"
"Oh my GOD you're the first person who's said it. It totally smells like someone dropped ass."
For the rest of the night this went on, people muttering in agreement that something really smelled wrong in the corner there. My only uncle on that side of the family (this is my mom's family) has no tact whatsoever and while wandering through the kitchen came upon the roaster, at which point he bellowed "What smells like PISS over here?!".
I only ate the white meat, but everyone who ate the dark meat got sick. Who eats piss turkey and expects it to be all right?!
4. My brother and my oldest cousin were in the basement trying to fix my youngest cousins' computer. All of us were sitting there, watching the madness that is computer repair slowly unfold. At one point, my brother went to go to the bathroom and when he opened the door said "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know there was someone in here." We all turned around to see what the hell he was talking about (the lights were off in the bathroom) and he opened the door all of the way to reveal a turkey roaster perched on top of the toilet.
I love my family. So. Much.
1. This is a story my brother told me about work:
"So I had to go in early to watch this Safety video. And since the TV is in the small office upstairs, we had to go in about ten people at a time. And as soon as the office door closed, I realized I had to fart. And I didn't know if it was gonna be silent or what, you know? So I'm standing there thinking, "Do I let it out slow and hope it's silent, or let it out quick in case it's loud and just get it over with?" and while I'm trying to decide, it creeps back up into my intestines. And I immediatly felt wrong, like I knew it was going to cause me problems later.
"So I'm standing there scanning boxes and my supervisor Jeff is next to me, and I tell him "Jeff, I'm gonna have to hand this off to you soon. Not now, but soon." and he said "Okay," because the guys I work with understand shit emergencies, you know? So Jeff is standing at the ready and after a few minutes I throw my scanner to him and say "I'll be right back!" and run to the bathroom.
"The bathroom only has two stalls, and when I got in there, there was already someone in the other one. And I knew by the shoes that it was this supervisor from upstairs that I don't like. I don't like him because he's a dickhead, and he doesn't like me because I'm a dickhead. So I'm sitting in there next to him and I hear him flush, and after a second I look over and realize he's still in there, but his shoes are facing the toilet. So instantly I know something's wrong. And I hear him go "Fucking shit." and then "Uhhh...head's up." and water starts pouring out of the toilet.
"I'm trying so hard not to laugh at this point, but I can't help it and these bursts of giggles come out. So I'm sitting there going "Hee hee hee!" trying to keep my boots out of the shitwater and he goes "Shut up, man!", but I can't stop giggling. By the time I was done he was still in the stall, mopping water up off of the floor. And of course, I told everyone."
2. I have this cousin named Nicholas who is about seventeen or so. He smokes. Everyone in the family knows this except for my grandmother. You know this is bad already, right? So my cousins and brothers and I are all sitting in the living room while my other relatives are cooking in the kitchen and sitting around in the dining room. My cousin's got this stepmother who is crazy and alcoholic and drinks pretty much continuously all day long. So dinner is almost ready and this is what we hear from the kitchen:
Grandma: Dinner is almost ready. Where's Nicholas?
Anita (the stepmom): Oh, outside smoking a cigarette.
Grandma: WHAT?!
*momentary silence*
Grandma: BRING THAT KID IN HERE. I'm going to WRING his NECK.
At which point my aunt vocalized something that we've all been thinking for years:
"Anita, you DUMBASS."
3. There were two roasters full of turkey this year, one white meat and one dark. The roaster full of dark was sitting in the corner of the kitchen and at one point, while making a circuit through the house, I stopped near the roaster and asked my brother under my breath "What smells like ass over here?"
"Oh my GOD you're the first person who's said it. It totally smells like someone dropped ass."
For the rest of the night this went on, people muttering in agreement that something really smelled wrong in the corner there. My only uncle on that side of the family (this is my mom's family) has no tact whatsoever and while wandering through the kitchen came upon the roaster, at which point he bellowed "What smells like PISS over here?!".
I only ate the white meat, but everyone who ate the dark meat got sick. Who eats piss turkey and expects it to be all right?!
4. My brother and my oldest cousin were in the basement trying to fix my youngest cousins' computer. All of us were sitting there, watching the madness that is computer repair slowly unfold. At one point, my brother went to go to the bathroom and when he opened the door said "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know there was someone in here." We all turned around to see what the hell he was talking about (the lights were off in the bathroom) and he opened the door all of the way to reveal a turkey roaster perched on top of the toilet.
I love my family. So. Much.
VIEW 22 of 22 COMMENTS
Thanks for the compliment on the new tattoo, I'm pretty pleased with it myself. I can't wait to get it colored in February.