woohoocthulhu

Haven't been on in a while, but I'll share with you all what's been going on in some of my other blogs -

Well, another day, another frantic leap for internet access when it becomes available to me. This is getting ridiculous.

Actually, life is pretty ridiculous right now, in general. I hate my apartment. I hate my job. I hate myself. I've turned into this bitter, resentful, jealous <i>thing</i>. I have very little drive. I wake up every morning, tell my alarm clock (assuming its a work day) to go fuck itself and then proceed to do the barest minimum recquired until I can fall bak asleep and escape reality. I knew this was going to be hard. I knew this was going to be a trial. I <i>didn't</i> know that I'd be losing bits of myself along the way.

Part of the problem, I know, is loneliness of the romantic variety. I want someone to just cuddle up with and snuggle away my problems. I'd be lying if I said I was keenly interested in someone with whom I can share a (very very) physical relationship, as well. That's less important, though. I just want someone who'll tell me its all going to be okay and hold me close while at the same time giving me no quarter in the arena of motivation. She needs to play videogames, as well.

All that aside, I'm struggling and I'm struggling hard. I'm plagued by te notion that leaving Colorado was not my best idea. I had it really good here (by the way, this entry is coming to you via my Dad's place in CO, where I'm currently spending the weekend). That's not to say, however, that things aren't going according to plan back in IL. I have a place of my own and a job to support me. The trick is finding the time and energy now to wrap up a few loose ends (fixing Chidori, hooking up internet, buying a few last pieces of furniture) and proceeding onto step 2 - school.

I had an unfortunately short converation with my mom about college. I <b>hate</b> the fact that I'll be 22 this year and, if all goes well, be starting school. I won't be finishing at the age I had wanted when I was in high school. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. The "real world experience" that I've gleaned from my years of wandering have little meaning to me at this juncture. They only appear as days that I've failed. I wish I could be more optimistic.

I'm not one to give up hope though. I'll whine and complain and go all melancholy, but at the end of it all I have hope and that counts for a lot more than it may feel like right now. Things <b>are</b> going according to plan, after a fashion and that's good to know. I am am developing some resilience to the depressing effects of my job that will make me much stronger fro now until the end of my days. Being single ain't so bad either. I can flirt as I please and not having that commitment to another person can be very liberating. At least I don't have to spend money on dates and anniversary gifts.

I can't help but think of the words that certain <a href="http://www.jasonchanart.com/gallery/2005/fanart/undead_big.jpg">Forsaken</a> NPCs would tell me in WoW - "Remember! Patience. Discipline."