wolk

Just Bend Over and Touch Your Toes I'll Show You Where the Monster Goes or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Hate UPS

So....this all starts a while back. I am moving from Boston to SF and 2 of my 3 MIT diplomas (yes, I am a nerd) are in frames, so I ship them to myself. They get delivered, via UPS, to my work. They sit at work for a while since I have no place to live. I finally move in with the new awesome roomies and open up my package to an unhappy sound. Yup, one of my frames is shattered. Luckily, my actual diploma is unharmed.

I insured the package for $300 so I call them up and get that process underway. Not a huge deal, so everything is alright. Then one day I check online to see when my packages (6 of them with everything that I own in them) are getting delivered. Status "out for delivery." I call UPS up and make sure that they are coming today and ask for a delivery time.

Me: Are you sure they are coming today?
UPS: Yes
Me: Ok, what is the delivery like for a residential location
UPS: 9 AM - 7 PM
Me: You gotta be shitting me!

So I take the day off of work expecting to be happy later that day. 6:30 rolls around, I call them up and ask where my packages are. They call me back shortly and the conversation goes something like this

UPS Lady: So they pulled it off the airplane today and marked it out for delivery, so it'll get there tomorrow.
Me: If it is going to get here tomorrow, then why is it marked out for delivery and why did EVERYONE I talk to tell me they were being delivered today? And since your delivery window is absolutely fucking ridiculous I had to take the whole fucking day off work to sit here and do nothing. I can't think of leaving...NOOOO because what if they deliver? WHAT if they deliver it then? What if that 10 hour delivery window they happen to deliver when I'm in the bathroom, well then I'm fucked. I just took a whole day off of work for NOTHING.
UPS Lady: That's just the way our system works sir, we mark it out for delivery when it is pulled from the airport, I'm sorry sir. Is there anything I can do for you?
Me: yeah, gimme a few hundred dollars for missing work today, how about that

It continues for a while. Subrosa was amazed that I could get so angry and how ape shit I went. I eventually weaseled and yelled my way into a full refund and get them to deliver it Thursday when I am expecting more deliveries so I don't have to miss any more unplanned days of work.

Thursday rolls around and the UPS guy rings the door bell, awesome I think. I go downstairs to help him as I have a lot of boxes. I see him in the truck kicking, KICKING my package end over end. My package that is clearly on ALL SIDES marked fragile. KICKING my fucking computer. I wanted to beat the shit out of him, but then I'd have to drive his route and then lug my packages up myself; I decided that wasn't a good idea. Luckily nothing but my picture frames were broken.

So yeah, broken diploma frames, picture frames, late deliveries, 10 hour delivery windows and kicking my damn computer. Fuck UPS, fuck them.

I wish I was good at photoshop because right here I'd put a pic of an anthropomorphic UPS truck (think a brown Optimus Prime with a globe on the side of it) bending me over and making me touch my ankles. Use your imagination people!

UPtimuS Prime: "You like my 10 hour delivery window don't you!!"
Me: *tear* No

Getting Dumped
My first (and only so far) love IMed me the other day out of the blue and we had an awkward conversation. (The whole topic of her is like 2-3 journals for another time). But, I got to thinking that (be prepared to laugh) I've really only had 2 serious relationships. Not to say that I didn't have fun in between or after (I went through a sort of....Deuce Bigalow-esque phase for a while). But anyway, when my first gf broke up with me, I was the saddest I'd ever been. I had shortly before quit the MIT football team, my grades weren't going to well, she tore my heart out, and then I went online to look for some solace in my favorite band (at the time, now my 3rd fave) Stabbing Westward. Yup, they had just broken up. Yeah. I felt like ass.

In retrospect it was all good because she was very VERY needy and I wasn't willing to sacrifice my personality and individulaity just to make her happy. She was/is a Disney princess through and through. If I didn't say I loved her 10 times a day, well I didn't love her. If I disagreed with her, then we weren't perfect and she cried. Yeah totally not healthy and I like my testicles right where they are and not in a glass jar thank you very much.

I'm sure she's happy somewhere with her boyfriend that has no individuality and no balls and I couldn't care less.

Never a fun experience but when you learn from it, you make yourself better, so I say.

So I pose a question, what/how/when was your worst/funniest act of dumping or being dumped? On Valentine's Day? e-dump? cheating?

"All of your hate and all of your lies
Will it be worth it
When all of your friends refuse to be alibis
Will it be worth it

I'll see you on your way down
I''ll see you on your way down
I'll see you on your way down

It's kind of sad to watch you break down
You greedy fuck you pissed it all away
So who will catch you on your way down
You've only got yourself to blame "
Stabbing Westward - On Your Way Down

Current Mood: Reflexive, clairvoyant