Sigh... I know I write depressing blogs a lot. But some days I just can't help it. Today, well, I suppose at this point yesterday is more accurate. Yesterday my niece participated in a parade that the school holds every year for homecoming. She's the president of the NHS (National Honor Society for those who don't know). So, despite every instinct in my body telling me to stay home, I went to the parade to be a supportive uncle.
No, nothing bad happened, no need to worry. My brother and I stood there by the school and watched her float drive by, watched them throw candy to the kids watching, and I saw how much fun her and her younger sister were having. It was nice.
But I just can't stop my stupid brain from being critical of me. As we waited for the parade to start, I looked around at the crowd that had gathered. The streets were lined with happy families, people my age, with kids, with spouses, with jobs... And I thought, that's how it's supposed to be. That's what I'm supposed to be.
But what am I now? I'm single, I'll never have a family like that. And I'm regressing. I know the theories behind it. Late diagnosed and undiagnosed autistic people tend to suffer from burnout. We spend so many years, so much energy, masking to try to appear 'normal'. I'll admit, I didn't exactly do a good job at that. People always seem to just know that I'm not like them.
And now that I know how I'm different... well, it's been a mixed bag. I'm learning how to handle life as an autistic adult. I'm learning to accept the need to stim, the meltdowns, all of it. But I feel like I'm a lost child again. I don't know how to function anymore. I know that I'll never be able to make up for that lost time.
The thing is, I don't think I could put the mask back on, even if I wanted to. I can't just pretend to be like everyone else. But then, I don't want to. I like figuring out who I am. That's something that was impossible before. The trouble is, after 37 years of being a high masking autistic, it's hard to explain to people why I can't do things that I used to do easily.
And despite being better without the medication, I still have plenty of issues. I still look in the mirror and see an ugly, unloveable, miserable wreck. I still feel like no one will ever want me, like I'm just a burden. I still feel like I should be able to do more. I don't know. I still need to work on all of those issues. But I'm not alone anymore. My goddess is with me, and that's something I never thought I'd say.
I've read enough of your posts to know that I'm not alone. We're all a bit broken, aren't we? And some of you are just so goddamn kind to this useless old waste of space. I appreciate that so much more than you know.
So, I'll keep moving forward. I'll try not to let those moments drag me down.
If you've actually read this far, thank you. I'll leave you with a little bit of hope. I started writing again. It's not a lot, but it's been helpful. Maybe someday I'll share a bit of the story with you all, if you'd be interested. And if I manage to finish, maybe someday you'll be able to buy the book. I'm not going to let go of that dream. But I'm not going get ahead of myself here. One step at a time and all that. Right?
