Last February I had to make a tough choice. Should I pick up Horizon Forbidden West, the sequel to a game I really liked? Or should I pick up Elden Ring, a game I wasn't initially interested in? I picked Elden Ring, and 400+ hours later, I don't regret that decision. But for the last 3 weeks, I've finally been able to pick up and play Horizon Forbidden West. Thank goodness for sales. I'm absolutely loving this game. I lose so many hours, so quickly, without even realizing it. Unfortunately, I accidently spoiled something major trying to find info about a quest (I thought maybe I had missed something).
Last year, Elden Ring made for an incredible, much needed distraction. It was such an involved experience that I was able to forget about my anxiety while I played it. This was before I started on the anxiety meds, and barely at the beginning of my attempt to get healthier. I'm not sure if Horizon would have done the same at the time. But one year later, I'm not feeling the same levels of anxiety. I'm not getting daily anxiety attacks. So glad the medicine works.
And a year later, my most recent weigh in puts me at 235 pounds. It's a lot, I know. But considering that I started at probably 300 or more pounds, I'd say it's pretty good. In examining myself during this weight loss journey, I realized that I had a very broken relationship with food. I ate as a coping mechanism. I ate because it made me feel good. Not because I needed the food. It's been a struggle, to be sure, but I'm learning to tell the difference between wanting to eat, and needing to. And from what I've read, losing 65 pounds in one year is a pretty good, and more importantly safe, amount to lose.
I guess the last thing I wanted to talk about involves my ongoing mental health issues. I've been feeling really down lately. But instead of wallowing in it, instead of letting the feeling take me somewhere bad, I've been trying to understand it. I'm not dismissing the feeling. That would be a mistake they I'm trying not to make again. I'm trying to keep my head in those moments, to allow myself to feel the despair, and attempt to analyze it. Sometimes it's obvious what I'm feeling depressed about. Other times, not so much. This last episode was one of the latter, where I had no idea. I know it seems like an obvious answer, but this time, I'm lonely.
For years in college, I had a friend who I talked to daily. We still talk, but it's not nearly as often with him living across the country from me now.
For a while in 2021, I had an online relationship that got particularly steamy. First time I ever sexted anyone. It was a lot of fun. But more than that, we talked. A lot. And quite suddenly, the almost daily conversation and flirting very abruptly stopped.
The thing is, I like having someone who I get along with, who wants to talk to me more often than a monthly wellness check. And I haven't had that in a while. And I guess I miss those relationships more than I admitted, even to myself.
But no worries, I'm doing alright at the moment. It's not a good substitute, but guiding Aloy through the Forbidden West is a good distraction.
