Where to start? I mean, I know nobody actually reads this shit. But it's still nice to get this stuff out in some way. Even if it's basically just shouting into the void.
I've been dealing with anxiety for a while now. I mean, borderline debilitating levels of anxiety. It's caused a lot of issues that I didn't used to have to deal with. I can't sleep, my body hurts, I feel like I'm choking on nothing at all, and eating anything gave me a stomach ache. You know, shit like that. So, I decided that I needed to make some changes. I have been trying to eat better, for one. And I started exercising the most constantly I've done in my entire life. About a month later, I'm still at it.
The trouble happened last weekend, maybe? I had a lot of sugar one day, I kept calories low, but it was junk food. I think my body reacted negatively to that, and my psychotic brain took that as a cue to panic. What ensued was the most intense anxiety I've ever experienced, for the days straight. It was like a three day long, full blown anxiety attack.
I had a bad experience with the anti depressant/anxiety medicine that I took once upon a time, and I swore I wouldn't take anything else. But that shit was bad enough that I'm going to try to get back on something for the anxiety. In the meantime, I found a tincture at the local CBD shop that's been helpful. It's not anything CBD or THC, but it's a bunch of natural herbs and roots that are supposed to be good for anxiety. I've never been a believer in that kind of stuff, but it helps.
The interesting takeaway from this experience, however, is the implications of my actions. I've been fairly convinced for a while now that one day, I'm going to end up taking my own life. I don't know why, it's just something that my brain decided one day. I don't pretend to understand it. But anyway, the point is, that my actions these last couple of weeks suggest that either I'm changing my mind about that, or at the very least, I'm not ready for it yet. Which, in the end, is something positive coming out of a shitty situation.
