Wasted the whole day here again. Very boring.
I feel so fat and disgusting. I've been feeling really fat lately. I think this is partially due to the fact that despite being on depo for nearly three years and never getting my period, my period has decided to magically return, albeit lightly. I think I did gain back the whole two pounds I lost, and it *was* only two pounds, but it feels like ten.
Marlowe is really hot. And she seems really cool and fun. I wish we had more girls like that up here, or maybe we do and I don't know where to find them because I never leave the house. I was taking the bus the other day and there were some chicks from Shabazz (the local "alternative" high school) and they were so kawaii. I never meet any kawaii girls. Hell, I never meet any anybody: I hate going out, I hate meeting new people, and I don't make friends very easily, or even like being around other people all that much. I can barely tolerate anything larger than two or three people unless I'm on something.
And this leads into my current problem, that Anthony and Melanie graciously arranged for Brian to give me, Cody, and Cal a ride to Milwaukee for the party, and possibly Neil too, so now I can't back out without being rude. At least if Neil goes he'll be there. And I'm sure Anthony will buy a ton of beer and other stuff so there will at least be decent drinks unlike at my place. And if Becky's there I can maybe have sex with her again. But even with all that, I just don't want to go. I'd rather stay here in my apartment, alone, reading HP or HP slash, or maybe finally going to a coffee shop to read since they just opened that new Free Trade Coffee Shop that pays good prices to the people who grow the coffee. But people don't understand when I say, "Actually, I'm not in a mood to see people right now; I'd rather just stay home." I've said that to people before and they didn't understand how I could possibly rather stay home than go to a party. ::sigh:: Maybe it won't be so bad. But if I know I'd rather be somewhere else, I know I won't enjoy myself very much, and I'll be 150 miles away from my apartment so it's not like I can just take a cab home if I don't want to be there. And I should work this Sunday because of summer school. I guess I could shift around my schedule so I don't have to, but dammit, I don't want to go to their fucking party, I don't want to see people, I don't want to have to fucking drink while I'm there because I know if I don't I won't want to see people at all, period, end of story, but then pretty much everyone I know is going to be there, and I can't back out now without seeming rude. I need some of this stereotypical Jewish cunniningness to help me get out this. I'm half Jewish; I should be at least half as cunning. Let's see, I could say I have to work the next day and it'd actually probably be true, or I could say that I need to stay home because I have a lot to prepare for my summer class. Saying I'm sick doesn't really work because I've used that excuse a lot for work, same with being "busy"; I've used that a lot to get out of going to things. But I know if I don't go, I'll feel really jealous that everyone else was having a good time except me, although I probably wouldn't have had a good time, I'll still wish I had gone, even if it's only a for little. You know, I really think this all boils down to the fact that I really don't like Cal. I can't say hate, because I don't feel that strongly about it, but I just don't like him. And I don't like the way guys get all loud and out-shouty and out-performy when they're drunk, and all whenever I'm with girls and guys, all the girls just seem to fade into the background, like wallpaper. Usually the other girls are just Liv and Kiki, and they just do that anyway, it's just the way they are, but it still makes me mad. I feel like the black guy in an all-white neighborhood, like the liberal on Fox News. I just feel outnumbered. And I'm sick of it, and I don't want to be around those people anymore. They're not me anymore, and they're not my friends, and the only reason I bother talking to them is because I don't want to feel alone, and that's not a good reason. I don't like feeling like wallpaper; that's just not me, but I feel even worse if I have to use the worst parts of my personality to get people to pay attention to a goddamn thing I say, because there's this fucking mob of loud, obnoxious guys taking over everything, and I don't want to be the audience. I guess I just don't like the way a lot of people I know act when they're in groups, especially if they're drunk, and how I act when I'm drunk. A lot of stuff I know if just how people just are when they're drunk, and it generally doesn't bother me, but sometimes it just does. It's like on the one hand, I love to do drugs because I love the way I feel when I'm on them, but I hate the way I act and I always feel like an asshole afterwards. That's kind of how it is with groups, only less of the loving the way I feel. I should just tell Brian next time he's online that I'm just not going so he doesn't need to give me a ride, no explanation, just say I'm not going, but there's a significant part of me that wants to go, just to go, so I'll be there, like I have friends and I like going out, because sometimes I wish I went out all the time and did tons of drugs, but it's more so I could say I do that, like possessing those activities I guess, than that I'd actually enjoy it. Like how I like to have drugs around just so I have them, not actually to use them. That probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to anyone else besides me, but I don't care. If it can make sense to me, that's good enough, because a lot of the time I feel like I'm doing things but I don't really know why. I'm not a big "why?" person, but I like to know why I feel the way I do and why I do some of the things I do so I know what to do about it to feel better. I'm really not sure what I'm going to do now. I need people to help me move in August, so I can't just completely alienate everyone, but I'm not even sure if they'll help anyway, and it's no good trying to pretend I enjoy someones company if I'm not going to get anything out of it. I don't like to burn bridges though. I prefer things to just drift. Anyway, I have a lot of things that need to be done.
And Teen Titans is way too chibi.
I feel so fat and disgusting. I've been feeling really fat lately. I think this is partially due to the fact that despite being on depo for nearly three years and never getting my period, my period has decided to magically return, albeit lightly. I think I did gain back the whole two pounds I lost, and it *was* only two pounds, but it feels like ten.
Marlowe is really hot. And she seems really cool and fun. I wish we had more girls like that up here, or maybe we do and I don't know where to find them because I never leave the house. I was taking the bus the other day and there were some chicks from Shabazz (the local "alternative" high school) and they were so kawaii. I never meet any kawaii girls. Hell, I never meet any anybody: I hate going out, I hate meeting new people, and I don't make friends very easily, or even like being around other people all that much. I can barely tolerate anything larger than two or three people unless I'm on something.
And this leads into my current problem, that Anthony and Melanie graciously arranged for Brian to give me, Cody, and Cal a ride to Milwaukee for the party, and possibly Neil too, so now I can't back out without being rude. At least if Neil goes he'll be there. And I'm sure Anthony will buy a ton of beer and other stuff so there will at least be decent drinks unlike at my place. And if Becky's there I can maybe have sex with her again. But even with all that, I just don't want to go. I'd rather stay here in my apartment, alone, reading HP or HP slash, or maybe finally going to a coffee shop to read since they just opened that new Free Trade Coffee Shop that pays good prices to the people who grow the coffee. But people don't understand when I say, "Actually, I'm not in a mood to see people right now; I'd rather just stay home." I've said that to people before and they didn't understand how I could possibly rather stay home than go to a party. ::sigh:: Maybe it won't be so bad. But if I know I'd rather be somewhere else, I know I won't enjoy myself very much, and I'll be 150 miles away from my apartment so it's not like I can just take a cab home if I don't want to be there. And I should work this Sunday because of summer school. I guess I could shift around my schedule so I don't have to, but dammit, I don't want to go to their fucking party, I don't want to see people, I don't want to have to fucking drink while I'm there because I know if I don't I won't want to see people at all, period, end of story, but then pretty much everyone I know is going to be there, and I can't back out now without seeming rude. I need some of this stereotypical Jewish cunniningness to help me get out this. I'm half Jewish; I should be at least half as cunning. Let's see, I could say I have to work the next day and it'd actually probably be true, or I could say that I need to stay home because I have a lot to prepare for my summer class. Saying I'm sick doesn't really work because I've used that excuse a lot for work, same with being "busy"; I've used that a lot to get out of going to things. But I know if I don't go, I'll feel really jealous that everyone else was having a good time except me, although I probably wouldn't have had a good time, I'll still wish I had gone, even if it's only a for little. You know, I really think this all boils down to the fact that I really don't like Cal. I can't say hate, because I don't feel that strongly about it, but I just don't like him. And I don't like the way guys get all loud and out-shouty and out-performy when they're drunk, and all whenever I'm with girls and guys, all the girls just seem to fade into the background, like wallpaper. Usually the other girls are just Liv and Kiki, and they just do that anyway, it's just the way they are, but it still makes me mad. I feel like the black guy in an all-white neighborhood, like the liberal on Fox News. I just feel outnumbered. And I'm sick of it, and I don't want to be around those people anymore. They're not me anymore, and they're not my friends, and the only reason I bother talking to them is because I don't want to feel alone, and that's not a good reason. I don't like feeling like wallpaper; that's just not me, but I feel even worse if I have to use the worst parts of my personality to get people to pay attention to a goddamn thing I say, because there's this fucking mob of loud, obnoxious guys taking over everything, and I don't want to be the audience. I guess I just don't like the way a lot of people I know act when they're in groups, especially if they're drunk, and how I act when I'm drunk. A lot of stuff I know if just how people just are when they're drunk, and it generally doesn't bother me, but sometimes it just does. It's like on the one hand, I love to do drugs because I love the way I feel when I'm on them, but I hate the way I act and I always feel like an asshole afterwards. That's kind of how it is with groups, only less of the loving the way I feel. I should just tell Brian next time he's online that I'm just not going so he doesn't need to give me a ride, no explanation, just say I'm not going, but there's a significant part of me that wants to go, just to go, so I'll be there, like I have friends and I like going out, because sometimes I wish I went out all the time and did tons of drugs, but it's more so I could say I do that, like possessing those activities I guess, than that I'd actually enjoy it. Like how I like to have drugs around just so I have them, not actually to use them. That probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to anyone else besides me, but I don't care. If it can make sense to me, that's good enough, because a lot of the time I feel like I'm doing things but I don't really know why. I'm not a big "why?" person, but I like to know why I feel the way I do and why I do some of the things I do so I know what to do about it to feel better. I'm really not sure what I'm going to do now. I need people to help me move in August, so I can't just completely alienate everyone, but I'm not even sure if they'll help anyway, and it's no good trying to pretend I enjoy someones company if I'm not going to get anything out of it. I don't like to burn bridges though. I prefer things to just drift. Anyway, I have a lot of things that need to be done.
And Teen Titans is way too chibi.