It's wuv
Or not.
Even though he already knows most of them, Neil fit in totally perfectly with everyone! It was so nice to hear him talking with Vash about video games and shitty movies
It's really important that everyone likes him and gets alone with him so that he's part of the group. I know people are always like "who cares what your friends think?" but honestly, whether you like it or not, it is important. If your friends fucking hate your boyfriend or girlfriend, it's going to cause problems. It's politically important. One of my professors explained it really well, talking about how families (and since my friends are pretty much my family) are political units and how it really is important that the people in your life approve of your mate. It really makes sense the way he explained it, whether or not some people like to get all starry-eyed and be like "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as you love each other." That's like the people who say that love is all you need, or that money and chores and kids and living together don't have huge effects on your relationship as long as you love each other. So anyway, Neil fits in and is part of the group and that makes me happy 
Last night was all right. Nate was in Minneapolis for a wedding, so of course Kiki stayed home and got caught up on her homework, which I'm sure she needed to do, but still, I know that if Nate had been in town, she would've been here. I talked to Katii online about the way they are and some of the stuff she said made me feel better. Also I think since I'm with Neil I can kind of see where Kiki is coming from. I'm not like that at all with Neil. We don't like constantly have to sit together and be by each other and be staring into each other's eyes and shit. Like we can both be at a party and be separate and have a good time. We function alone as people just fine, like we're not the Voltron couple or something. Rar, I sound like we're dating, but we're not super together yet. Anyway, so shit last night was all right even though not a lot of people showed up. Cal hasn't been here a lot, and for some reason I get the feeling he doesn't like me. Like I'll call him to get some shit or to come to the party, and he doesn't answer his phone, but if Vash calls him, he'll answer. I don't what his problem is; whatever. Liv was here but she had to leave early like usual. I was going to call Pat but I don't have his number. Vash went to walk Liv back to her car and never came back even though he said he would, which was dumb because like a dumbass I fucking paid for a cab for Cal to come over and then Vash just doesn't come back. I really get the feeling that Cal doesn't like me, and I don't want to be fucking used by people. I don't know why he doesn't like me. After I get this speed (hopefully Monday), I'll just bother him as little as possible. Manda can get shrooms and Cody said his roommate can probably get opium, and I think Manda said that maybe she could get speed or ambien. Cal can get ambien for free from Gecka, he said. So drug prospects are looking up. I'll just try to bother Cal as little as possible and not spend money on people all the time so I don't feel used. I don't have a lot of money to spend this month because of having to pay for the security deposit, but as soon as I can, I'm totally going to get some speed, some ambien, some shrooms, some pot so I can make pot brownies again, maybe some hash oil just to have for my stash but probably not, some more alcohol, some oxyies, and just have a totally awesome time. It'll be interrupted because I'm going to summer school for a month, but that's all right. This is totally going to be my drug summer. I like just having a stash and being able to get things, even if I don't do a lot of drugs. I really like possessing things. Anything, not just drugs. Having things. I love that. So hopefully all this drug stuff will turn out right and I'll have a huge variety of stuff. Melanie's going to come in from Milwaukee sometime so we can shroom. We need someone to watch us though.
Anyway, back to the party. Neil called this chick Becky but she was going to the Klinic so she didn't come. And then I was talking to Anthony online to see if they could come, or at least Melanie could come because he had this thing today, she couldn't because he needs the car tomorrow and they share it. And he was all like "your parties always wind down by like one, anyway" and I'm like, fuck you, your last party when we were there died at like midnight, and most parties end around bar time anyway, even though there are usually still people here at like four am just hang out. Like this time even though after midnight it was pretty much just me, Neil, and Cal, we were still up until five am. I felt kind of bad because me and Neil went to make out in the other room but then Cal was going to pass out anyway. I just don't like doing couply stuff around other people because it makes them uncomfortable. And even though all I had was like three beers and a couple shots of pucker, I was really drunk after a while so I was being kind of obnoxious, but whatever, that's what being drunk is all about, and everyone else was fucked up too. Making out was awesome though. I don't know if it was because we were both pretty drunk, well I probably was more than Neil although I don't know, but he was way better at shit than he has on Thursday. Like I don't know if someone gave him some pointers or what, but he did everything perfect. I felt like an ass making out and stuff but whatever. People forget things. I just don't like being the most trashed person and I'm usually not. So then we went to bed around 5 am and I woke up a few times later and heard the phone ringing and Neil getting up and putting his clothes on and stuff, and when I got up I thought it would be like noon, but it was 2:53 and everyone had left. There's some more things I don't like: waking up alone after I went to sleep with someone, waking up last, and waking up to find that everyone has already gone home. I like to be the first person up, like how I like to sit in the back of the bus so I can see everyone but they can't see me. Like I'm in control; I can watch things. Although getting up after everyone is gone is nice because then I don't have to sit around with people, and I'm just alone and the leaving has already been done. Neil even left me a note It says:
"Carolyn [my name is actually spelled Caroline but it's pronounced Carolyn because my mom is stupid and did it that way], I'm sorry but it's getting late and I should be going. I had a nice night last night and hope to see you again sometime soon. - Neil (I took Pansy out for a walk an hour or so ago, probably around noon or 11. Couldn't find any unfrozen food, however.)
I still really feel like an ass about how a lot of things, but I hope it was a sincere note and that he does want to see me again soon.
Anyway, now I still kind of feel a little bit hung over, which is sad because I had no hard liquor at all, and I still got really drunk which I usually don't; it probably has to with me the fact that the last two weeks I've basically had nothing. All in all though, I think it was a good party, or at least, I had a really good time, for once. The two parties before this one were awful, for me personally and in general, but now things are looking up and they will hopefully stay that way.
So now I really want to order some food even though money-wise, I shouldn't, but I don't have a lot of food around here to eat, so ordering out is not as bad as it usually would be. I have some carrots that have probably gone bad, some rice, some instant miso, eggs, cocktail weiners, some potatoes that have probably gone bad, and some frozen veggies and meat that I never eat anyway. I don't even have any ramen left; I ate the last of that when I got up. After parties, or late into parties, unless I haven't been drinking at all, I always want really heavy, spicy, greasy food. Like right now I want to get some jalapeno poppers and a big salad with feta, red onions, and eggs. Mmmmmm. I just want to get a ton of food and just eat and eat and eat. I'm so glad I'm going to have Sundays off now because it's just so nice to get up and not have to worry about going to work so I can just sit around and eat food and relax. Summer is bad to eat food because I'll eat just a ton of food and go outside and just feel one thousand times fatter than I would in the winter and just hate myself. But whatever, I can sit inside for the rest of today if I want to And tomorrow I'm going to work, go see Shrek 2 with Liv (I never, ever do anything socially with people besides parties so it's just so nice to just go to a movie with someone or just hang out and not always be doing drugs), go out to Ella's Deli (my favorite restaurant) and get a ton of food, maybe go to the mall, and hopefully get enough speed to last a couple months. Maybe I can get Neil to go with me to the last Electric Eye Cinema thingy; I've never went to any of those, but I want to, and he seems like he'd actually be interested in that stuff too, whereas everyone else either has no time, no money, or no interest. Maybe we can go out for food somewhere afterwards. Like a real date. Just wander around downtown on a quiet dark night. I love doing that. Especially alone (by alone I mean with my dog), but with someone else would be good too. I love walking around alone at night. It's so quiet and there aren't tons of people or sunlight or other crap to ruin it. It's like the city is dead, or like I'm a ghost and no one can see me. Maybe I'll do that tonight. I just have so much I want to say and do right now, and I feel like I can just do all of it. Its great. I have some of the shades open so light can actually come in here, I finally cut up the beef hearts for Pansy, and I finally moved the furniture around in the living room so it looks a lot bigger and the chi is so much better. Everything just feels awesome and possible right now.
Or not.
Even though he already knows most of them, Neil fit in totally perfectly with everyone! It was so nice to hear him talking with Vash about video games and shitty movies
It's really important that everyone likes him and gets alone with him so that he's part of the group. I know people are always like "who cares what your friends think?" but honestly, whether you like it or not, it is important. If your friends fucking hate your boyfriend or girlfriend, it's going to cause problems. It's politically important. One of my professors explained it really well, talking about how families (and since my friends are pretty much my family) are political units and how it really is important that the people in your life approve of your mate. It really makes sense the way he explained it, whether or not some people like to get all starry-eyed and be like "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as you love each other." That's like the people who say that love is all you need, or that money and chores and kids and living together don't have huge effects on your relationship as long as you love each other. So anyway, Neil fits in and is part of the group and that makes me happy
Last night was all right. Nate was in Minneapolis for a wedding, so of course Kiki stayed home and got caught up on her homework, which I'm sure she needed to do, but still, I know that if Nate had been in town, she would've been here. I talked to Katii online about the way they are and some of the stuff she said made me feel better. Also I think since I'm with Neil I can kind of see where Kiki is coming from. I'm not like that at all with Neil. We don't like constantly have to sit together and be by each other and be staring into each other's eyes and shit. Like we can both be at a party and be separate and have a good time. We function alone as people just fine, like we're not the Voltron couple or something. Rar, I sound like we're dating, but we're not super together yet. Anyway, so shit last night was all right even though not a lot of people showed up. Cal hasn't been here a lot, and for some reason I get the feeling he doesn't like me. Like I'll call him to get some shit or to come to the party, and he doesn't answer his phone, but if Vash calls him, he'll answer. I don't what his problem is; whatever. Liv was here but she had to leave early like usual. I was going to call Pat but I don't have his number. Vash went to walk Liv back to her car and never came back even though he said he would, which was dumb because like a dumbass I fucking paid for a cab for Cal to come over and then Vash just doesn't come back. I really get the feeling that Cal doesn't like me, and I don't want to be fucking used by people. I don't know why he doesn't like me. After I get this speed (hopefully Monday), I'll just bother him as little as possible. Manda can get shrooms and Cody said his roommate can probably get opium, and I think Manda said that maybe she could get speed or ambien. Cal can get ambien for free from Gecka, he said. So drug prospects are looking up. I'll just try to bother Cal as little as possible and not spend money on people all the time so I don't feel used. I don't have a lot of money to spend this month because of having to pay for the security deposit, but as soon as I can, I'm totally going to get some speed, some ambien, some shrooms, some pot so I can make pot brownies again, maybe some hash oil just to have for my stash but probably not, some more alcohol, some oxyies, and just have a totally awesome time. It'll be interrupted because I'm going to summer school for a month, but that's all right. This is totally going to be my drug summer. I like just having a stash and being able to get things, even if I don't do a lot of drugs. I really like possessing things. Anything, not just drugs. Having things. I love that. So hopefully all this drug stuff will turn out right and I'll have a huge variety of stuff. Melanie's going to come in from Milwaukee sometime so we can shroom. We need someone to watch us though.
Anyway, back to the party. Neil called this chick Becky but she was going to the Klinic so she didn't come. And then I was talking to Anthony online to see if they could come, or at least Melanie could come because he had this thing today, she couldn't because he needs the car tomorrow and they share it. And he was all like "your parties always wind down by like one, anyway" and I'm like, fuck you, your last party when we were there died at like midnight, and most parties end around bar time anyway, even though there are usually still people here at like four am just hang out. Like this time even though after midnight it was pretty much just me, Neil, and Cal, we were still up until five am. I felt kind of bad because me and Neil went to make out in the other room but then Cal was going to pass out anyway. I just don't like doing couply stuff around other people because it makes them uncomfortable. And even though all I had was like three beers and a couple shots of pucker, I was really drunk after a while so I was being kind of obnoxious, but whatever, that's what being drunk is all about, and everyone else was fucked up too. Making out was awesome though. I don't know if it was because we were both pretty drunk, well I probably was more than Neil although I don't know, but he was way better at shit than he has on Thursday. Like I don't know if someone gave him some pointers or what, but he did everything perfect. I felt like an ass making out and stuff but whatever. People forget things. I just don't like being the most trashed person and I'm usually not. So then we went to bed around 5 am and I woke up a few times later and heard the phone ringing and Neil getting up and putting his clothes on and stuff, and when I got up I thought it would be like noon, but it was 2:53 and everyone had left. There's some more things I don't like: waking up alone after I went to sleep with someone, waking up last, and waking up to find that everyone has already gone home. I like to be the first person up, like how I like to sit in the back of the bus so I can see everyone but they can't see me. Like I'm in control; I can watch things. Although getting up after everyone is gone is nice because then I don't have to sit around with people, and I'm just alone and the leaving has already been done. Neil even left me a note
It says:
"Carolyn [my name is actually spelled Caroline but it's pronounced Carolyn because my mom is stupid and did it that way], I'm sorry but it's getting late and I should be going. I had a nice night last night and hope to see you again sometime soon. - Neil (I took Pansy out for a walk an hour or so ago, probably around noon or 11. Couldn't find any unfrozen food, however.)
I still really feel like an ass about how a lot of things, but I hope it was a sincere note and that he does want to see me again soon.
Anyway, now I still kind of feel a little bit hung over, which is sad because I had no hard liquor at all, and I still got really drunk which I usually don't; it probably has to with me the fact that the last two weeks I've basically had nothing. All in all though, I think it was a good party, or at least, I had a really good time, for once. The two parties before this one were awful, for me personally and in general, but now things are looking up and they will hopefully stay that way.
So now I really want to order some food even though money-wise, I shouldn't, but I don't have a lot of food around here to eat, so ordering out is not as bad as it usually would be. I have some carrots that have probably gone bad, some rice, some instant miso, eggs, cocktail weiners, some potatoes that have probably gone bad, and some frozen veggies and meat that I never eat anyway. I don't even have any ramen left; I ate the last of that when I got up. After parties, or late into parties, unless I haven't been drinking at all, I always want really heavy, spicy, greasy food. Like right now I want to get some jalapeno poppers and a big salad with feta, red onions, and eggs. Mmmmmm. I just want to get a ton of food and just eat and eat and eat. I'm so glad I'm going to have Sundays off now because it's just so nice to get up and not have to worry about going to work so I can just sit around and eat food and relax. Summer is bad to eat food because I'll eat just a ton of food and go outside and just feel one thousand times fatter than I would in the winter and just hate myself. But whatever, I can sit inside for the rest of today if I want to
And tomorrow I'm going to work, go see Shrek 2 with Liv (I never, ever do anything socially with people besides parties so it's just so nice to just go to a movie with someone or just hang out and not always be doing drugs), go out to Ella's Deli (my favorite restaurant) and get a ton of food, maybe go to the mall, and hopefully get enough speed to last a couple months. Maybe I can get Neil to go with me to the last Electric Eye Cinema thingy; I've never went to any of those, but I want to, and he seems like he'd actually be interested in that stuff too, whereas everyone else either has no time, no money, or no interest. Maybe we can go out for food somewhere afterwards. Like a real date. Just wander around downtown on a quiet dark night. I love doing that. Especially alone (by alone I mean with my dog), but with someone else would be good too. I love walking around alone at night. It's so quiet and there aren't tons of people or sunlight or other crap to ruin it. It's like the city is dead, or like I'm a ghost and no one can see me. Maybe I'll do that tonight. I just have so much I want to say and do right now, and I feel like I can just do all of it. Its great. I have some of the shades open so light can actually come in here, I finally cut up the beef hearts for Pansy, and I finally moved the furniture around in the living room so it looks a lot bigger and the chi is so much better. Everything just feels awesome and possible right now.