And now it's time for the harshiest break down of how things went, Harshy McHarsherson style.
----Warning: contains sort of graphic stuff and personal information you may not wan to know; I warned you----
Okay, he's a dancer. Not like, Chubby McPervert's Gentlemen club, but like modern dance, Dance magazine dancer. That is a total strike against him because that's just totally gay. GAY. And I do not want to be fucing some guy and then have him come out a year later and make me feel like a total loser. And besides that, he's an artist, so that's another strike against him. I don't know, just some of the way he is just strikes me as gay, and I kind of wonder if he is guy, because I'll be totally pissed if he turns out to be gay. I'd *kill* him. but then, he is almost 21 and an artist and a dancer (although he doesn't dance anymore) and he grew up in the suburb of a really liberal city, so you think he would've come out by now, but you never know. I just really don't want to be fucking a gay guy. I really, really don't.
We didn't have sex, which is fine with me because the last two guys I did sleep with like the first day, and even though I didn't really like either of them anyway, that didn't help, because then it was like "well, we've had sex so we can't do anything else besides have sex" and since we had already had sex and hadn't made out a lot first and stuff, we didn't know each other's bodies really well, so it was kind of awkward and not enjoyable for me at all. Also, sometimes I just feel dumb about telling a guy to put his hand here or there and then repeatedly correcting him when (not if, WHEN) he messes up so I don't, and then he doesn't learn how to do it right. I really need to know someone's body really well before I sleep with them, otherwise I feel kind of awkward and they have no idea how to please me at all. Part of this definitely comes from comparing everything to my first only long term relationship, because we didn't have sex for like a year, so we knew each other's bodies super well, and he was really good in bed (I was his first for EVERYTHING), so now I compare everything to the good sex I used to have, and that makes everything now look like crap.
It feels so alien to be making out with someone, especially someone that I'm actually attracted to. It's been that long. Two years at least; that's nuts. And now I'm all unsure of myself like I didn't used to be, and I compare everything to the good sex, and he probably wants to have sex right away (and I'd like to have sex, too, but not until he knows how to do things right so he can actually get me off), so I'll feel weird about not having sex right away, and things will just suck.
I totally talked too much. I should've let him talk more. I probably came off like a total asshole. I want to be the star of everything, even relationships, and that doesn't work really too well, because then I just talk and hog all the attention and that's not a good thing to do. I really need to work on letting other people talk and not just going on about my shit.
He seems like he has some sort of conceited asshole layer under this veneer of personality. Maybe it's just hooliganism. Most people are assholes, but it's just like, I wonder if he has some deep potential to just be the biggest asshole ever.
The date itself, since I guess that's what it was, went pretty well. Nothing was awkward, at all, which was amazing to me, because usually when you're first with someone, or at least the last two guys I was with, there will be awkward moments, but there weren't any with Neil. That was really nice. Personality-wise, he's really my type. We go together really well. It's just that in some ways, he's a big dork, and in other ways, I can totally see how he could just be a huge asshole if he really tried.
Making out was all right. The logistics of it are kind of complicated since he's 9 1/2 inches taller than I am, and we were on the couch and I can't even lie on the couch without having to bend my legs, and I had to put Pansy in the crate because she kept bothering us, so then she was hollowing and crying the whole time because she didn't want to be in there. So then we went in the bedroom. That worked better since we actually both fit in my bed, but since I don't know him really well, we kept having to move around because he can't put his legs right (or maybe I can't for him), but finally we got it worked out. Then we were making out for a while, and I'm trying to get him to play with my nipples, because that's what I like, and if he does that then I'll be all horny and actually enjoy shit for once, but it's like nothing I do, he gets it. Finally, I had to practically write him an essay on it, and he got it, and it wasn't perfect (and by perfect, I mean how my ex, Joel, would do it or how I would do it to myself; I know I sound like I'm looking at things through rose-colored glasses, and I'm sure I am a bit, but Joel really got that right away), but it was decent. So then we were making out, and I felt bad because I wasn't playing with his cock hardly at all and was just being a really selfish person, but logistically, it was either me play with his cock, or him play with me, and since I didn't feel like hacing sex tonight, it was going to be him play with me. Also, he needs a lot of work so it's just as well. So then things were going really well, and I was doing what has always worked for me, which is basically how I masturbate only with another person there instead of a dildo-like object; seriously, I'm not kidding here. And I always feel bad doing that, because it's pretty much like dry humping and then they're always like "why can't we just have sex?" and I feel embarrased to say "because I like this better" because I just feel stupid saying I like that better than sex because it's like the sexual equivalent of sniffing glue, and isn't even anything normal or socially acceptable like being fingered or oral sex. Anyway, we were making out and I was pretty close to getting off but then I started overthinking it so I lost it. It was too bad, too, because it would've been great, because he was doing everything right, and then it's like positive reenforcement for him because it's like "Oh, I was doing that and she got off; I should do that more." And then at least I wouldn't have felt bad for not playing with his cock hardly at all because then he would've gotten me off, and that's not easy to do, so it's like its own reward (at least that's how it is to me when I'm fucking a girl), but I didn't and I'm kind of thinking maybe he might've thought I did, and I don't want to deliberately or accidentally fake an orgasm.
And then I felt like such an ass being like "oh, I have get up in the morning really early" even though I do, because if I hadn't, I already knew I wasn't going to get off, and if I gave him a hand job or something then he'd probably be like "why don't we just have sex?" and if I say yes than I know I won't enjoy it at all, and I didn't want to have sex, and if I say no and just give him a handjob, I'll know the whole time that he just wanted to have sex, and it'll feel like the sniffing glue, keeping it between your legs thing again. I wonder if he had any fun. Probably, since he had a hard on. His cock is really weird. It's pretty big, and it points normally, but something about it just reminds me a crayon. Like every time I'm touching it, all I can think about is a giant crayola crayon.
So then anyway, yeah, personality-wise, it's just perfect, the the sexual stuff needs major work, and I feel like an ass telling him what to do all the time, but if I don't he'll never know what I like. It'a also creepy because it a lot of ways, so far things have been going exactly how my astrology relationship book says they will, and that freaks me out because that book never has anything good to say about anyone, and I shouldn't have read the passage on me and Neil and ruined everything so now that's all i think about.
Also, in a way, it's like with non-sexual stuff for me. I enjoy looking forward to things more than I enjoy doing them, and that fucks things up for me.
Anyway, that's all I feel like typing now although there's probably a lot more I could say. I have to be up in four hours, and then I'm going to work working or volunteering all day so there will be no time for a nap. Neil is coming over again on Saturday for the usual party. That's another thing I'm worried about: what if he doesn't fit in with my friends? Like what if it's really awkward and embarrasing? Because honestly, if my friends hate him, that's just going to make things really uncomfortable and then we'll break up. I'm not going to bullshit about it either, what my friends think does matter because in this case they are basically filling the role of a family, and so if they don't like whoever, in all honesty I'm probably not going to date that person then or at least for very long. It's more of a politcal thing than a stupid peer pressure thing.
I think either my FLCL cd is scratched, or broken, or the dvd player is messed up, because after the first episode (there are six), the screen always goes black and it freezes up and turns off. I'll have to try playing it on my dad's player and see what it does. I really hope it's the dvd and not the player because I can't afford to get the player fixed and I just got it, whereas I can send back the dvd or tell the place I bought it from thst it's defective and get a new one sent to me.
So now I have to be to work in a little over four hours, and I'm hungry but the only thing here is ramen noodles and I don't want any of those. I'd like to order out but I'll just eat a ton of food and I can't afford it anyway.
My CLA check was $50 bigger than I thought it'd be. Yay!
So Neil is now at home probably jerking off, and I m super tired and want to eat and read HP slash, but I really need to get to sleep and I'm really, really tired now for some reason.
----Warning: contains sort of graphic stuff and personal information you may not wan to know; I warned you----
Okay, he's a dancer. Not like, Chubby McPervert's Gentlemen club, but like modern dance, Dance magazine dancer. That is a total strike against him because that's just totally gay. GAY. And I do not want to be fucing some guy and then have him come out a year later and make me feel like a total loser. And besides that, he's an artist, so that's another strike against him. I don't know, just some of the way he is just strikes me as gay, and I kind of wonder if he is guy, because I'll be totally pissed if he turns out to be gay. I'd *kill* him. but then, he is almost 21 and an artist and a dancer (although he doesn't dance anymore) and he grew up in the suburb of a really liberal city, so you think he would've come out by now, but you never know. I just really don't want to be fucking a gay guy. I really, really don't.
We didn't have sex, which is fine with me because the last two guys I did sleep with like the first day, and even though I didn't really like either of them anyway, that didn't help, because then it was like "well, we've had sex so we can't do anything else besides have sex" and since we had already had sex and hadn't made out a lot first and stuff, we didn't know each other's bodies really well, so it was kind of awkward and not enjoyable for me at all. Also, sometimes I just feel dumb about telling a guy to put his hand here or there and then repeatedly correcting him when (not if, WHEN) he messes up so I don't, and then he doesn't learn how to do it right. I really need to know someone's body really well before I sleep with them, otherwise I feel kind of awkward and they have no idea how to please me at all. Part of this definitely comes from comparing everything to my first only long term relationship, because we didn't have sex for like a year, so we knew each other's bodies super well, and he was really good in bed (I was his first for EVERYTHING), so now I compare everything to the good sex I used to have, and that makes everything now look like crap.
It feels so alien to be making out with someone, especially someone that I'm actually attracted to. It's been that long. Two years at least; that's nuts. And now I'm all unsure of myself like I didn't used to be, and I compare everything to the good sex, and he probably wants to have sex right away (and I'd like to have sex, too, but not until he knows how to do things right so he can actually get me off), so I'll feel weird about not having sex right away, and things will just suck.
I totally talked too much. I should've let him talk more. I probably came off like a total asshole. I want to be the star of everything, even relationships, and that doesn't work really too well, because then I just talk and hog all the attention and that's not a good thing to do. I really need to work on letting other people talk and not just going on about my shit.
He seems like he has some sort of conceited asshole layer under this veneer of personality. Maybe it's just hooliganism. Most people are assholes, but it's just like, I wonder if he has some deep potential to just be the biggest asshole ever.
The date itself, since I guess that's what it was, went pretty well. Nothing was awkward, at all, which was amazing to me, because usually when you're first with someone, or at least the last two guys I was with, there will be awkward moments, but there weren't any with Neil. That was really nice. Personality-wise, he's really my type. We go together really well. It's just that in some ways, he's a big dork, and in other ways, I can totally see how he could just be a huge asshole if he really tried.
Making out was all right. The logistics of it are kind of complicated since he's 9 1/2 inches taller than I am, and we were on the couch and I can't even lie on the couch without having to bend my legs, and I had to put Pansy in the crate because she kept bothering us, so then she was hollowing and crying the whole time because she didn't want to be in there. So then we went in the bedroom. That worked better since we actually both fit in my bed, but since I don't know him really well, we kept having to move around because he can't put his legs right (or maybe I can't for him), but finally we got it worked out. Then we were making out for a while, and I'm trying to get him to play with my nipples, because that's what I like, and if he does that then I'll be all horny and actually enjoy shit for once, but it's like nothing I do, he gets it. Finally, I had to practically write him an essay on it, and he got it, and it wasn't perfect (and by perfect, I mean how my ex, Joel, would do it or how I would do it to myself; I know I sound like I'm looking at things through rose-colored glasses, and I'm sure I am a bit, but Joel really got that right away), but it was decent. So then we were making out, and I felt bad because I wasn't playing with his cock hardly at all and was just being a really selfish person, but logistically, it was either me play with his cock, or him play with me, and since I didn't feel like hacing sex tonight, it was going to be him play with me. Also, he needs a lot of work so it's just as well. So then things were going really well, and I was doing what has always worked for me, which is basically how I masturbate only with another person there instead of a dildo-like object; seriously, I'm not kidding here. And I always feel bad doing that, because it's pretty much like dry humping and then they're always like "why can't we just have sex?" and I feel embarrased to say "because I like this better" because I just feel stupid saying I like that better than sex because it's like the sexual equivalent of sniffing glue, and isn't even anything normal or socially acceptable like being fingered or oral sex. Anyway, we were making out and I was pretty close to getting off but then I started overthinking it so I lost it. It was too bad, too, because it would've been great, because he was doing everything right, and then it's like positive reenforcement for him because it's like "Oh, I was doing that and she got off; I should do that more." And then at least I wouldn't have felt bad for not playing with his cock hardly at all because then he would've gotten me off, and that's not easy to do, so it's like its own reward (at least that's how it is to me when I'm fucking a girl), but I didn't and I'm kind of thinking maybe he might've thought I did, and I don't want to deliberately or accidentally fake an orgasm.
And then I felt like such an ass being like "oh, I have get up in the morning really early" even though I do, because if I hadn't, I already knew I wasn't going to get off, and if I gave him a hand job or something then he'd probably be like "why don't we just have sex?" and if I say yes than I know I won't enjoy it at all, and I didn't want to have sex, and if I say no and just give him a handjob, I'll know the whole time that he just wanted to have sex, and it'll feel like the sniffing glue, keeping it between your legs thing again. I wonder if he had any fun. Probably, since he had a hard on. His cock is really weird. It's pretty big, and it points normally, but something about it just reminds me a crayon. Like every time I'm touching it, all I can think about is a giant crayola crayon.
So then anyway, yeah, personality-wise, it's just perfect, the the sexual stuff needs major work, and I feel like an ass telling him what to do all the time, but if I don't he'll never know what I like. It'a also creepy because it a lot of ways, so far things have been going exactly how my astrology relationship book says they will, and that freaks me out because that book never has anything good to say about anyone, and I shouldn't have read the passage on me and Neil and ruined everything so now that's all i think about.
Also, in a way, it's like with non-sexual stuff for me. I enjoy looking forward to things more than I enjoy doing them, and that fucks things up for me.
Anyway, that's all I feel like typing now although there's probably a lot more I could say. I have to be up in four hours, and then I'm going to work working or volunteering all day so there will be no time for a nap. Neil is coming over again on Saturday for the usual party. That's another thing I'm worried about: what if he doesn't fit in with my friends? Like what if it's really awkward and embarrasing? Because honestly, if my friends hate him, that's just going to make things really uncomfortable and then we'll break up. I'm not going to bullshit about it either, what my friends think does matter because in this case they are basically filling the role of a family, and so if they don't like whoever, in all honesty I'm probably not going to date that person then or at least for very long. It's more of a politcal thing than a stupid peer pressure thing.
I think either my FLCL cd is scratched, or broken, or the dvd player is messed up, because after the first episode (there are six), the screen always goes black and it freezes up and turns off. I'll have to try playing it on my dad's player and see what it does. I really hope it's the dvd and not the player because I can't afford to get the player fixed and I just got it, whereas I can send back the dvd or tell the place I bought it from thst it's defective and get a new one sent to me.
So now I have to be to work in a little over four hours, and I'm hungry but the only thing here is ramen noodles and I don't want any of those. I'd like to order out but I'll just eat a ton of food and I can't afford it anyway.
My CLA check was $50 bigger than I thought it'd be. Yay!
So Neil is now at home probably jerking off, and I m super tired and want to eat and read HP slash, but I really need to get to sleep and I'm really, really tired now for some reason.