Do you ever have one of those times where it seems like you can't type fast enough? Where you can't get your thoughts into a concrete form because they fly away so fast? This is one of those times.
I have conquered my hunger. I was hungry, and I didn't eat anything, and then it went away. And now I could go get a gyros, but I'm not going to. I could eat ramen noodles, but I'm not going to do. This should feel better than it does. I just feel empty and alone. But I've been feeling like that all night, so it's probably not related to the food. When I feel empty I eat to fill out the emptiness, and it works, but then I get fat. By not eating, I still feel empty, but I won't hate myself in three days for eating something now and spending extra money. As it is, I'm definitely going negative this month. At least Liv got a job so she can pay me back. If it hadn't been for that extra $200, I'd probably be all right.
Tonight was the first Saturday since right after Christmas when I've had nothing. I don't understand what the big deal is. It was boring this way. It was last week too. Both weeks I have not been in a party mood at all, but everyone always comes to my apartment, so it's not like I can bow out. Maybe if I did, they'd never come back again. I think negative energy from me has been affecting the parties because the last two weeks it's sucked. After the party at Anthony's in Milwaukee, nothing seems as good anymore. We need another big, festive party. Or maybe all of our good party energy has been transferred to Milwaukee. They were having a good party tonight, while ours sucked. I wonder if this is what they feel like all the time, or if it's just me. I get jealous very easily and although it's not obvious on the surface, I am very competitive. As soon as someone else has something, I want it. Like tonight, I'm not in a party mood, but I want a buzz and I want a good party because in Milwaukee, people I know are having a good party, and I guess I feel left out. I'm not afraid of being alone though. I feel better now that everyone is gone. Sometimes I am afraid that everyone secretly hates me. When I move in with my roommates, they can share the burden of being the hostess and if I want to, I will be able to leave or retreat into my own room and be by myself if I want to. I'm sick of vodka. Even if it will make me go more under, I'm going to have to get something else for next week. Maybe a couple of those new forties of Triple Black, or a case of it, or some pucker, just something so I don't have to drink vodka. The thought of a mixed drink repulses me, and I can't do shots. It will make me go more under though, but Liv owes me $200 and I get my security deposit back in August. And I will be working for at least the next seven days straight, for which I will only earn $330. That doesn't seem like enough for as many hours as I'll put in. Almost full-time. My first week of break and I'm working every single day.
If I no longer use food to comfort myself, what will I use? I already know it will not be drugs, because I do not take them comfort myself now, but to have fun. I cannot think of anything else right now I could use to comfort myself. Maybe exercise, or music, or my mind. I don't even know if any of those will work, or if I can find a substitute that will work. That is why I have so much trouble losing weight, because I use food to comfort myself, and to alleviate boredom, and stress, and probably many other things. I guess I should use other things. For most of them, I can think of conceivable better things to use, but none for comforting myself. The pull of food is still strong. Being full feels good. Eating until my stomach feels heavy. But it only works for a little while, and then I'm back where I started. A little while is better than no while though, and instant gratification always feels better in the moment, whereas delayed gratification is a quiet moment of reflection alone, at least for me it is. I still want to go get a gyros, but I'm not hungry. But that's not why I'm eating. My mind feels very lucid right now, like I'm seeing things that are actually there. Maybe this is why people don't do drugs. But this is not fun. It is important, but not fun.
Also, I feel bad because Neil was at the party in Milwaukee, and when I have something to look forward too, I completely focus on that, and nothing else seems as good to me, in this case being that Neil is coming back to town on Thursday night and that he is supposed to call me so we can hang out, but then when I hear that he is at a party enjoying himself, I feel stupid, because my joy at looking forward to something was greater than his, and it is not as important to him as it is to me. I feel stupid saving up all my good feelings while he is out enjoying himself. I should not completely focus on one thing, but when I do, I can't help it. If I had been in a better mood from the start, tonight might've been fun. Things have been really good for a while; I hope they are not turning bad again. I am not ready for them to turn bad again. I feel like I'm growing apart from everyone, and the few people that I feel closer too, I'm not close at all but just friends with, and they are also apart from everyone. I feel like I don't know my friends anymore. I have nothing to say to them. We don't have anything in common. I have no idea where I'm going to find new friends. I've always been bad at that, and now that I'm more isolated, it will be nearly impossible without a lot of luck. Sometimes I think about completely burning bridges, just cutting myself off from everyone and never going to parties or hanging out with anyone again, and just spending the rest of my life alone reading in cafes and libraries and working and living alone and taking long walks with my dog. Now that I am moving in with two other people, that will not be possible at least for a little while.
Now I remember why I first felt not hungry: nausea. That sicky feeling where you know you're not actually going to throw up, but you still feel sick so you just drink a bunch of cold water and hope it will go away.
I think I'm done now. For now.
I have conquered my hunger. I was hungry, and I didn't eat anything, and then it went away. And now I could go get a gyros, but I'm not going to. I could eat ramen noodles, but I'm not going to do. This should feel better than it does. I just feel empty and alone. But I've been feeling like that all night, so it's probably not related to the food. When I feel empty I eat to fill out the emptiness, and it works, but then I get fat. By not eating, I still feel empty, but I won't hate myself in three days for eating something now and spending extra money. As it is, I'm definitely going negative this month. At least Liv got a job so she can pay me back. If it hadn't been for that extra $200, I'd probably be all right.
Tonight was the first Saturday since right after Christmas when I've had nothing. I don't understand what the big deal is. It was boring this way. It was last week too. Both weeks I have not been in a party mood at all, but everyone always comes to my apartment, so it's not like I can bow out. Maybe if I did, they'd never come back again. I think negative energy from me has been affecting the parties because the last two weeks it's sucked. After the party at Anthony's in Milwaukee, nothing seems as good anymore. We need another big, festive party. Or maybe all of our good party energy has been transferred to Milwaukee. They were having a good party tonight, while ours sucked. I wonder if this is what they feel like all the time, or if it's just me. I get jealous very easily and although it's not obvious on the surface, I am very competitive. As soon as someone else has something, I want it. Like tonight, I'm not in a party mood, but I want a buzz and I want a good party because in Milwaukee, people I know are having a good party, and I guess I feel left out. I'm not afraid of being alone though. I feel better now that everyone is gone. Sometimes I am afraid that everyone secretly hates me. When I move in with my roommates, they can share the burden of being the hostess and if I want to, I will be able to leave or retreat into my own room and be by myself if I want to. I'm sick of vodka. Even if it will make me go more under, I'm going to have to get something else for next week. Maybe a couple of those new forties of Triple Black, or a case of it, or some pucker, just something so I don't have to drink vodka. The thought of a mixed drink repulses me, and I can't do shots. It will make me go more under though, but Liv owes me $200 and I get my security deposit back in August. And I will be working for at least the next seven days straight, for which I will only earn $330. That doesn't seem like enough for as many hours as I'll put in. Almost full-time. My first week of break and I'm working every single day.
If I no longer use food to comfort myself, what will I use? I already know it will not be drugs, because I do not take them comfort myself now, but to have fun. I cannot think of anything else right now I could use to comfort myself. Maybe exercise, or music, or my mind. I don't even know if any of those will work, or if I can find a substitute that will work. That is why I have so much trouble losing weight, because I use food to comfort myself, and to alleviate boredom, and stress, and probably many other things. I guess I should use other things. For most of them, I can think of conceivable better things to use, but none for comforting myself. The pull of food is still strong. Being full feels good. Eating until my stomach feels heavy. But it only works for a little while, and then I'm back where I started. A little while is better than no while though, and instant gratification always feels better in the moment, whereas delayed gratification is a quiet moment of reflection alone, at least for me it is. I still want to go get a gyros, but I'm not hungry. But that's not why I'm eating. My mind feels very lucid right now, like I'm seeing things that are actually there. Maybe this is why people don't do drugs. But this is not fun. It is important, but not fun.
Also, I feel bad because Neil was at the party in Milwaukee, and when I have something to look forward too, I completely focus on that, and nothing else seems as good to me, in this case being that Neil is coming back to town on Thursday night and that he is supposed to call me so we can hang out, but then when I hear that he is at a party enjoying himself, I feel stupid, because my joy at looking forward to something was greater than his, and it is not as important to him as it is to me. I feel stupid saving up all my good feelings while he is out enjoying himself. I should not completely focus on one thing, but when I do, I can't help it. If I had been in a better mood from the start, tonight might've been fun. Things have been really good for a while; I hope they are not turning bad again. I am not ready for them to turn bad again. I feel like I'm growing apart from everyone, and the few people that I feel closer too, I'm not close at all but just friends with, and they are also apart from everyone. I feel like I don't know my friends anymore. I have nothing to say to them. We don't have anything in common. I have no idea where I'm going to find new friends. I've always been bad at that, and now that I'm more isolated, it will be nearly impossible without a lot of luck. Sometimes I think about completely burning bridges, just cutting myself off from everyone and never going to parties or hanging out with anyone again, and just spending the rest of my life alone reading in cafes and libraries and working and living alone and taking long walks with my dog. Now that I am moving in with two other people, that will not be possible at least for a little while.
Now I remember why I first felt not hungry: nausea. That sicky feeling where you know you're not actually going to throw up, but you still feel sick so you just drink a bunch of cold water and hope it will go away.
I think I'm done now. For now.